Confessions of Recovering Christian

what I want

2007-12-24T01:18:00.001-08:00

1:14 AM - What I want
Current mood: awake
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

I don't want another one of me but I do want a partner, a friend, a companion for all the moments of life, to work together on something, play together, cry together, be alone and still be together. I want to make memories while building, fixing or breaking something together. I would love to go to far away places and learn and explore this world together. This person would have to be a very open minded person, intelligent, love to learn and love to teach, and feel that people should never be judged or looked down upon for things they can not control, like the color of their skin or the country in which they are born, or who their parents are. Bad behaviors, however, should not be tolerated. I want someone who is happy with themselves yet still sees room for improvement and seeks out all opportunities to do so. I would love to meet someone that had a metal or wood shop that would like to teach me how to express my creativity in three dimensional work. I want someone who is emotionally honest with themselves and at least me if not everyone else. I want someone that will call me when they see something in their life that makes them think of me, I want someone to be able to go away enough for me to miss them but be there when its cold and raining and be my sunshine. I want someone to sit in the water with and stare up at the stars, just being silent together. I want someone I can talk to and even more importantly someone I can listen too. I want someone who is proud to introduce me to their friends and doesn't feel the need to parade me around like a trophy or to hide me from their whatevers. I want someone who makes me laugh and laughs with me. I want someone who can make decisions about life, who can take the reigns just for a moment, and still respects mine.

I want someone to share the passing of time with, watching the grass grow, or skydiving, or riding a motorcycle down the coast with a tent on the back, camping where ever our hearts desire. I want someone who already has kids and is a great parent but who doesnt' want to do it all over again. I want someone to respect my role as a mother and understand the family dynamics from experience. I want someone whose expectations I can exceed and who accepts and exceeds mine. I want to make someone smile, I want to make someone dance on clouds of happiness with themselves and our life together.

I am sure I am asking for a lot but theres no point in wasting any moment of life on anything less than exactly what we want.

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." Mahatma Gandhi

Currently listening :
Eyes Open
By Snow Patrol
Release date: 09 May, 2006

Do I get more

2007-12-13T22:54:00.000-08:00

stoned so I can get creative again? What was it about the other night that got my thoughts flowing so well? Was it the dinner, the bath, the pleasure? paranoia is getting to me tonight about bills, who would read this, and what do people really think of me. Tells me I should just go to sleep and not reach down this dark whole anymore tonight. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

when I write. .....

2007-12-13T22:43:00.000-08:00

When I write, I wonder who is going to read my thoughts. Are my daughters reading my posts and am I going to have to explain or defend random bolts of enlightenment to them? If I could write and make sure that noone would ever judge me for the words that come out, I could create masterpieces, volumes of thought and ideas, reflections and analogies.

Someone asked me today why I don't like little kids anymore and I had to think about a really good response that would not offend anyone. My daughters and I have had a few really difficult years. I was growing up at the same time they were and it wasn't easy on any of us. I have been a huge disappointment to both my daughters, and to myself for not following through on my dreams earlier. I wish I would have gone to college when they were younger and gained the self-confidence to not need a man in my life. I wish I could have provided for them an example of an intelligent, determined, goal driven person that lives their lives without masks. I don't think I did a bad job raising them overall, but the last few years were difficult for all.

I hope to finish college soon, so that they can be proud of me again. I hope to provide for them all the love and emotional support and encouragement that they need to be successful in life and love and the "pursuit of happyness"

I have been very selfish of late with my feelings and I hope they don't take it personally. I just know I have some more growing up to do. Both my girls are spectacular in every way and are quite capable of living their lives without my control. This beautiful reality gives me the freedom to explore who the rest of me is.

Posted by Mountain Fairy on Thursday, December 13, 2007 at 10:33 PM
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creative writing exercise.

2007-12-12T07:48:00.002-08:00

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

1:32 AM - creative writing exercise

How would you complete the phrase: I never feel I should be doing anything else when I am…?

I always feel as if I should be doing something else, when I am cooking I feel like I should be cleaning up. When I am dancing, I feel like I have to pee. When I am working, I feel like I should be playing. But when I am laying in the ocean or floating in the air there is no where else I would rather be. I feel like I should be doing other things but I wouldn't rather be doing those things.

When I am indulging in my fantasies, I get interrupted with parental duties or rent or or bills and the pain comes back and then fantasy dissapates. When I am writing, I wonder who is going to read this and are they going to pick it apart and throw it back at me.

But just for a moment, let's go there. Let's hop on the Fred, my imaginary old vw bus, and go for a ride. A ride that has no destination but experience, and no return date in mind. Up and then down the pacific coast we go, camping and adventuring mixed with lazy days of basking in the sun on the oceans shore. And once upon a time we reach the tip of baja and pick up a sailboat and sail across the sea to the Mexican coast and keep venturing into all the South American countries, stopping and meeting people all along the way. Making friends, learning about other ways of life, other ways of seeing the world and sharing fun and good times. Ahh what a nice dream for me to fall asleep too tonight.

i don't even want to sleep tonight

2007-12-12T07:48:00.001-08:00

1:33 AM - I don’t even want to sleep tonight
Current mood: blissful

Laying in the hot black liquid surrounding me, surrounding my soul, so quiet, so still, so warm and comforting. The water sang to me, saying let me hold you here for just a while. Let me give you warmth in those dark empty places. Let me fill you up and not want for any more. Open your eyes and see the night sky, see my stars light up just for you, notice the different colors, no two are the same, each is unique just like you. Look in front of you and see my beautiful trees, and mountains and miles and miles of bountiful land leading to my blue ocean waters. The waves are calling you now, come play with me soon.

But I can't go, I have rent to pay so for now I just slink on over to my neighbors outdoor tub and indulge in pure selfish fantasy for just a few moments of sailing the ocean blue to ports unknown. I can't let go of that fantasty, that dream, that goal, that itch that must be scratched. I must go sailing in a not to large boat, one that I can manage on my own or with a captian, and get out on the still ocean water at night and just absorb the universe. That is my goal, that is the picture I want for my vision board, that is the reward of the hardwork that I want to recieve. That is the reward for earning my degree, that is the reward for writing my first book, that is the reward for getting my first teaching job. I realize I have far to go in order to earn that reward but I do want to earn it. If it is handed to me on a silver platter, I might not appreciate it as much and if I don't accomplish the things I want to do before I get that dream, I don't think I would ever come back and finish. I would just keep going, from one port to the next, from one adventure to the next, from one experience to the next.

why

2007-12-12T07:47:00.002-08:00

Monday, December 10, 2007

11:25 AM - Why?

Why can't I let go and say goodbye. He's getting married, he loves someone else, he will never love me again. Can I go just one day without missing him, talking about him, mentioning him in conversation, dreaming about love we had and will it ever happen to me again. Does she love him like he deserves to be loved? Is she good to him in every way? Does she make him smile? Does he walk on clouds? I hope she does all these things for him and more. I hope she smiles because of him and I hope she knows how precious his love is and doesn't screw it up. I hope she loves him completely with all her soul. I hope she is good to him. I hope I can let go and move on. I hope I find that peace within myself that lets me just BE without him even in thought.

the sky

2007-12-12T07:47:00.001-08:00

10:07 AM - the sky
Current mood: awake

The sky is calling me
Her peace is screaming for me
come to me
come dance inside me
come play with me
Come and Fall Away
let all your doubts
let all your fears
let all your tears
let all your pain
let all your lonliness
Fall to the ground
As you rest in the arms
of my freedom
And soak up the peace
That keeps you coming back for more

wish I had soemething to write about

2007-12-12T07:46:00.004-08:00

9:48 AM - I wish I had something to write about

A very good friend of mine keeps encouraging me to write, I have had difficulty writing since the love of my life has left my soul and left my inspiration dry. I live in the most beautiful area that I ever have lived in, and I have lived a lot of different places, so you would think that i would be inspired by the large oak tree in my front yard, or the deer family that visits me on every good day I have; but that has not been the case. I have been encumbered by this very heavy monkey on my back of rent and bills and unpaid debts that just keep rising and pushing me further and further away from where I want to be.

I had a few days of inspiration - he was fun but many many years of age difference put an end to it, even though the friendship continues the muse is gone. I have had such a turmultuous couple of years since the end of jojo. I have moved many times, tried many different lives on like masks and costumes and nothing seems to fit. My clothes don't fit, my house doesn't fit, my job doesn't really fit (right now at least - but it may in the future.) I wanted for so long to be alone, without any encumberances so I could live my life for me and now that I am here, I still don't know who I am.

I work and I sleep and have a glass of wine a few nights a week and that's the extent. I want now for time and energy to create, yet I feel so many barriers to this. I need an art studio a place to go - to get away from all this "life" weighing on me so I can create again. I wish I didn't need a man to do these things. Why is it that I can't seem to be who I want to be without one? I have a "friend" now that is the most romantic man I have ever known, he treats me well, when he's around but it isn't possible for him to be mine and I don't think he is the ONE, I do feel that maybe he will introduce me to the One though, So I do indulge when the opportunity presents itself but I don't go out of my way to make it happen.

I want to go back to school, maybe that is the key to my inspiration, being around others that are like me. I need to get back to San Diego and go back to Palomar College, that's where I felt most at home even without jojo.

So Jen, I will write something every day - I promise - even if it is just to say that I have nothing new to write about.

still has teeth

2007-12-12T07:46:00.003-08:00

3:57 PM - another old post that still has some teeth
Category: Friends

originally posted January of 2006 =

So what are the intentions of ex loves, old friends, coulda would shouldas when they pop back into your life just to see how your doing, to let you know that they are thinking of you? Really what is the purpose? to pour more salt in the wound, make sure it's still festering? to remove the scab that has finally formed to open it all up again?

And then Jojo where does he come off asking me how I am doing, it's really none of his business damn it, I doing great, not what we had planned on, not the things we said we would be doing, I am not playing with our puppy, I am not going to the beach, I am not skydiving, I am not with my kids, I am ALONE the way he left me, what the fuck does he really want from me? I can't be his friend, I cant share my thoughts with him, i want to kick him in the shins damn it.
.
So you know what to all of you EX peoples, just leave me alone, you left me or I left you for some really good reason, I don't need to be reminded that your gone, I dont need to be reminded that I am alone. I am quite well aware of my alone ness right now and after the stupid move I made today I am content to be alone for a very long time.

if there is a prince charming, and if he does fall in love with me for all that I am, then he will know he needs to come to me, he will ride up on his white horse and carry me away in his own good time. I don't need to go out there find him nor do I need to wait around for him, or help him out by "giving him a little push". I have a wonderful life with out jojo, without michael, without any man and DAMN you for telling me I needed one.

So there, there is my pissed off, bruised feelings, embarrassed and vengeful side for all of you who were wondering if I had one. posted by Tattel....The Tattered Fairie at 5:18 PM | 0 comments

and how do I feel today, OMG I miss Jojo so freaking much - anyone that I date now - I ask myself - Would jojo like him for me? Would I be proud to introduce this guy to him? and if not then I just keep walking. Jojo loved me once upon a time, very deeply and I destroyed it - I realized now that I did it to us - He didn't just up and walk out on me, I drove him away, I stopped being me and got caught up in something else. That wont happen again. If I ever did get the chance to spend one more day with him, I would want to go skydiving, and sit at sunset cliffs in one of the caves and thank him for being the greatest love of my life and loving me the way no other has ever been able too.
So I guess I got over the angry part of the loss and moved on to the acceptance part but I still greive for the loss of that love. and hope he is doing well no matter what he is doing these days.

this year

2007-12-12T07:46:00.001-08:00

1:47 AM - This Year

I have gone to college for Art and anthropology, owned a clothing store, worked for the Yellow Pages as an Advertising sales person, spent two weeks in training/on vacation in Southern California, gone sailing, camped in the santa cruz mountains, moved from the bay area to the mountains, gone hiking, worked as a waitress, worked at a home improvement store as a cashier, worked at a grocery store, drank wine, dated someone more than 15 years younger and another 15 years older, turned forty, watched my youngest daughter graduate from high school, swam in the ocean, hiked in the mountains, lost a fiancee, regained a life long friend, hurt someone, made someone smile, missed someone and met someone, moved one daughter in, one out and my son in and out, finished maybe 3 pieces of art outside of school, .........and wonder whats next....

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he did it again

2007-12-12T07:45:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

5:46 PM - he did it yet again

I was so full of inspiration, I had my pencils and sketch book in hand and he stole it away AGAIN.

I don't want to break up with him every freaking day. it's not fun telling someone that you loved that they cant fix what is broken. there is NOTHING to revive, it's dead, and in the process of being buried.

I was reading old stuff from 2005 the last time I was learning to be alone ( but not in the sense I am now) I was just learning how to live without a lover, I have never not had a lover or partner for more than a week or two since I was 14. Now I don't only not have a partner or lover or husband but my kids have all gone on to lead their own lives as well. So truly I am single now instead of single plus 3. I guess my dogs count becasue they do occupy my time and thoughts in part of the day. And I do have to make sure they are fed and watered and I do have to clean up their messes.

I look at myself in the mirror and I don't like what I see right now, I see an aging lonely woman who has "let herself go" and i want to find me again. how to I put windows in those walls and eventually even a door (with the handle on my side only)
I don't see the artist/anthropology student that I want to be, I see a girl trapped in an aging body who is a little off of her path and needs to find her way back to the journey.

reason for the season

2007-12-12T07:44:00.002-08:00

7:34 AM - What is the reason for the season?

Winter Solstice

The Winter Solstice is a magical season . . . one that marks the journey from this year to the next, journeys of the spirit from one world to the next, and the magic of birth, death, and rebirth. The longest night of the year (December 21 in the Northern hemisphere), is reborn as the start of the solar year and accompanied by festivals of light to mark the rebirth of the Sun. In ancient Europe, this night of darkness grew from the myths of the Norse goddess Freya (also called Frigga)who sat at her spinning wheel weaving the fates, and the celebration was called Yule, from the Norse word Jul, meaning wheel. The Christmas wreath, a symbol adapted from Freya's "Wheel of Fate", reminds us of the cycle of the seasons and the continuity of life.

That the timing of the Christian celebration of the birth of Christ occurs in the Yule season is no coincidence. Christmas was once a movable feast, celebrated many different times during the year. The decision to establish December 25 as the "official" date of Christ's birth was made by Pope Julius I in the fourth century AD, hoping to replace the pagan celebration with the Christian one, since this date coincided with the pagan celebrations of Winter Solstice with the Return of the Sun Gods occurring throughout the world.

Numerous Christmas traditions derive from the earlier pagan celebrations. Yule, celebrating the birth or rebirth of a god of light, made use of fire, both in candles and the burning of a Yule log. The Christmas tree has its origins in the practice of bringing a live tree into the home so the wood spirits would have a place to keep warm during the cold winter months. Bells were hung in the limbs so you could tell when an appreciative spirit was present. Food and treats were hung on the branches for the spirits to eat and a five-pointed star, the pentagram, symbol of the five elements, was placed atop the tree.

What I want for christmas

2007-12-12T07:44:00.001-08:00

Saturday, December 16, 2006

8:31 AM - What I want for christmas

Every one keeps asking what I want for christmas - So here it is

All my bills paid
The dent that Sam put in my beautiful new truck, removed and painted to match
a trip to catalina
a trip to san diego
a trip anywhere actually
A big Yule Solstice Party
a pair of brown shoes that Abbey wont eat
A pretty Scarf for my hair
Speakers for my computer
Some CD's for my truck
Lily hollbrook
Barbara Striesand
Jewel
Rod Stewart
Tickets to the theater
Candles
Most anything from this store http://www.magicalomaha.com/fairybooks.htm
Pencils for drawing
Canvas for painting
Paint Brushes
Sketchbook (travel size)
Books
Ann Moura
Phyliss Currott
Vintage from the thrift store
Earrings - Silver
Actually any silver jewelry
A day trip to flea markets
Windows for my boat
A camping trailer for my truck (small tear drop kind would be most awesome)
some furry boots and a furry jacket to match
find my make up bag or new clinique makeup
a hand written letter
coffee with a friend
anything Fairy, pagan, or nature minded.
Anything that you want me to have to remind me of you!

where are you mr. Frazier

2007-12-12T07:43:00.001-08:00

Thursday, November 30, 2006

10:16 AM - I miss him soooooo much! Where are you mr. Frazier

So I found my niece on myspace and she tells me she found her dad but doesnt' tell me what's up with him------ I am going nuts I want to hop in the car and drive down there right now but I don't even know if he's there.

Could you go 8 years without seing your brother? the one who loves you unconditionally and protects you and loves you with no requests for anything in return? gosh I miss him. He took the place of my father when my father died when I was 9 he was my best friend, my brother, my dad, my protector, my idol, and my hero -

Where are you mr. frazier. I need you!..

truth............

2006-02-02T14:24:00.001-08:00

11:53 AM - I hate windows, I miss my mac-all the buttons are on the wrong side

I wrote this really intense blog and then hit the wrong button and lost it all damn it. and now it doesn't seem that important now that I have gotten it out of my system but at the same time I think it's an important observation. So I will try again.

I have learned about Truth in my Anthropology class, in science there is no Absolute Truth, we do not posses the capability to prove things to be true in every instance, we can only prove things to be false.

This leads to an interesting perspective on truth, and as many of my friends know I consider myself to be an honest and truthful person. But when and where do you draw the line. Do you share every thing, every thought, every desire, every action or non-action? What constitutes a relationship? Dating is not a relationship, it is a series of events, so i have been told. Dating is new to me I have never done it before. So how do I know when to stop being open to opportunities? What are the boundaries? Do they need to be defined in advance or do we know only when we push them?

I don't want to kill something before it gets a chance to get started but I have to be honest with myself and therefor the people that are important to me. I do want the dream but the dream will be finding me, I am not out searching for it, however I am not gonna sit on my ass and wait for it to knock at the door. I have written before that my prince will know me, and by that I mean will know all of me and still love everybit of it. If he does come knocking and I am not home, he will keep trying until I am.

End of myspace version.

the rest of the story.............

Ok, so where am in this world I have created? What is honesty, real honesty with those you care for? How do I know what to say and when to say it? how do i determine when too much information is just not neccessary, or wanted even?

how do i know what my feelings are if I can't share them? I cant post on here what's really going on in my head, i have to keep some things to myself. I am torn and confused? Which is more important to me? What could be or what is? The fact that someone cares for me is exciting but at the same time if I accept what is for right now am I going to end up in the same place I was a month ago, a year from now? three years from now? 10 years from now? 20 years from now? I don't ever want to go back to that dark place of loneliness and heartbreak and what could be is most definetly a broken heart in the long run. Do I try this happily ever after for now bit again? If I do am i cutting myself off from the good could be's with someone else? Will my prince or my frog really keep trying if I am not immediately available? Do I have to make myself available at all times for him? Am I ruining what could be with someone else by accepting what is here right now?

So there's this frog and this turtle, The frog is great, the frog could be that one true love that has been evading me my whole life. The frog has many other priorities and keeps the fairy at bay, always wondering what if. Now the turtle is there, knocking and knocking at the door, saying come catch me if you can. The turtles priority is my pleasure, the turtle waves extasy infront of me and says it's all yours for the taking, do with me what you will. So what's a fairy to do........ Why couldn't the frog and the turtle be the same? is there a turtle frog out there for me that I am not seeing at this moment? Why can't the frog accept my help with those other priorities and let me make them mine too? and why can't the turtle see that pleasure now leads to pain later?

Oh frogs and fairytales - what could be, will be I guess!

love.............

2006-02-02T14:24:00.000-08:00

2:21 PM - Love.................

Love trancends many things, miles, time, obstacles, pain, hurt, other loves, other passions, barriers.

I am falling in love with someone, it's scary, it's exposing, it's naked and It's about time. I am falling in love with me, I am learning to accept the love from my family that I have pushed away for so long. I am learning accept my new role as not every day mom but mom none the less and my role as friend, co worker, sister, daughter, aunt, student, single woman, artist, writer and so much more.

Thanks kids for sticking by me - I love you all so much and hope we can get together soon.

.

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That guy

Very nice!!! Congrats!!!

Posted by That guy on Tuesday, January 31, 2006 at 2:55 PM
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rethinking

2006-02-02T14:23:00.000-08:00

8:12 PM - rethinking

Someone asked me the other day what my intentions are, how do I really feel about being single? I ve had a couple days to think about this now and taken together with the news of a friends marriage I have really looked within to figure out the answer to the age old question "what do I want out of life".

I guess my actions haven't been lining up to well with my what I say. I say I don't want to get married. I say Happily ever after for NOW. I say I enjoy being single, I say alot of shit. But truth be told........... I want the dream. I want to meet that one special person that knocks all my socks off. The one that can see me for who I truly am. The one that sees through my masks and into my soul and Likes what they see. I want to be swept off my feet and carried away into the sunset with the man of my fantasies. I have to be happy for those that have found it and are able to hold onto it. I thought I had it once and I let it slip away or pushed it away so I am told.

so there it is - the ugly truth.

Now this may turn some current friends away but I have also made one other decision. This is me, this is who I am, I am not going to start hiding parts of myself because they may not be as appealing. I am going to be who I am and the prince will know me and like me.....all of me!

ex peoples

2006-01-25T17:18:00.000-08:00

Can I just start another day over? Today just sucked. Damn you michael - you got me all in a jumble and made me do something I wasn't ready to do. I am not ready for any kind of a relationship, and I should never do anything just to prove someone else right or wrong, I know better than that. but hey, I put my self out there and if it's meant to be it will be and if not today then some other day.

I didn't think I wanted to be swept off my feet and carried away into la la land but you made me think that it would happen if i just put myself out there - Damn you for blowing smoke up my ass - I really want to yell at you right now but of course your off line and will prolly not be around for a while again.

So what are the intentions of ex loves, old friends, coulda would shouldas when they pop back into your life just to see how your doing, to let you know that they are thinking of you? Really what is the purpose? to pour more salt in the wound, make sure it's still festering? to remove the scab that has finally formed to open it all up again?

And then Jojo where does he come off asking me how I am doing, it's really none of his business damn it, I doing great, not what we had planned on, not the things we said we would be doing, I am not playing with our puppy, I am not going to the beach, I am not skydiving, I am not with my kids, I am ALONE the way he left me, what the fuck does he really want from me? I can't be his friend, I cant share my thoughts with him, i want to kick him in the shins damn it.
.
So you know what to all of you EX peoples, just leave me alone, you left me or I left you for some really good reason, I don't need to be reminded that your gone, I dont need to be reminded that I am alone. I am quite well aware of my alone ness right now and after the stupid move I made today I am content to be alone for a very long time.

if there is a prince charming, and if he does fall in love with me for all that I am, then he will know he needs to come to me, he will ride up on his white horse and carry me away in his own good time. I don't need to go out there find him nor do I need to wait around for him, or help him out by "giving him a little push". I have a wonderful life with out jojo, without michael, without any man and DAMN you for telling me I needed one.

So there, there is my pissed off, bruised feelings, embarrassed and vengeful side for all of you who were wondering if I had one.

something has changed

2006-01-23T17:27:00.000-08:00

Not sure what it is, cant put my finger on it. Maybe it is because I said I couldn't tell sam I had an outside life, maybe it's because I have obvious physical desires, maybe it's because I had a bad day or maybe it's because I got sick and over emotional or it could possibly be that I just don't do "it" for him. I could be a million things, it could be just one thing, or it could be nothing at all, either way something is different.

Church, I feel I am being bombarded with it. Like it's beating my door down saying "if you don't come back your going to hell" and right now I feel like saying fine, send me to hell, at least I will learn something new there. I miss having "the faith", the personal relationship with an invisible man. It was nice to have that faith to lean on in times of despair, to know that "all things come together for good for those who love the lord" That no matter what was happening it was god's will and I just had to believe. Oh how nice it would be to go back to those days where I felt I belonged, the home and the warmth and comraderie of friends. The weekly bible studies where I would learn and teach. When I had valuable information to share with others, when I was looked to as a source of comfort and knowledge and compassion and inspiration.

Is that whats really bugging me? Is god bugging me? is that whats changed. The idea that maybe i was right about somethings once upon a time and I wasn't fooled or brainwashed by these money hunger power mongers that call them selves christian leaders?

What would the goddess say about this? What would the church say about my beliefs that we have the power within us to change our reality through the power of thought and that it's not a bad thing. What would the church say about my questioning of the whole foundation of the "church", would I be doomed to be prayed for, to be relieved of my demonic hold, for eternity. Would I have to denounce my naturistic beliefs to come back to the church? I am sure i wouldn't be welcomed in the christian singles group with open arms.

Where is my mind going? I think I need to expand my options again. i think I got to focused on somethings that seemed to fit perfectly but aren't neccesarily meant to Fit at the moment. I am feeling like a pest all of a sudden and I don't like this feeling, it's not working for me.

Marcelo and I are doomed, neither one of us seem to be able to find anyone that ever meets our expectations or desires. Nobody can ever be as good as a friend as he is, He is ALWAYS there for me, I hope he does find someone someday that can love him as he deserves to be loved but she better be good to him. but I think it's more about the fact that we don't want to settle and maybe I am just not ready. I need more time alone, i need to get more out of me than I have been. I need to paint instead of daydream of frogs and fairy tales or read or write. So this is my commitment to myself. I promise I will not pester, nag, bother, intrude, invite myself, push myself, interfere, or otherwise make myself an annoyance to anyone. If I am wanted, I am easily found. This goes for kids, friends, moms, sisters, more than friend friends, or anyone else that I conversing with.

Monday Morning

2006-01-23T08:30:00.000-08:00

I haven't done a painting in almost two weeks but I have painted my room. I have a ton of homework, which I do a little every day. I quit one of my jobs and called in sick to the other yesterday. I guess I just needed a ME day and I got it.

I have had lots of time to think about what sam said this weekend. I understand how she feels and I think she knows how I feel but the fact remains that we don't have any plans to live together anytime soon.

I was afraid to tell her about "that guy" but Ali kinda did it for me - not knowing I didn't want to say anything. Ali told her about this guy that I am dating that seems to be everything I have always been looking for and he's cute too! Sam seemed happy for me and then when I told her we hadn't even kissed yet she laughed and seemed even happier that I am taking things slow. We watched a movie called "The perfect man", it was pretty good, pretty interesting. We talked more about her and I than we had in a long time and it was good to give her my undivided attention.

I miss him though, I haven't seen him in over a week and I really want a hug and I want to see his smile, it seems so genuine.

I feel exposed

2006-01-22T15:20:00.000-08:00

Why oh why did I share my innermost thoughts, I feel vulnerable and naked. It's scary, what if he never calls again, arrgghh. but then again, this is me, this is who I am, these are the thoughts that roll through my mind, well most of them at least. And If this isn't pleasing then well there it is, doomed to be distant friends. Oh Damn I am very emotional when I don't feel good. Sam was very honest with me this weekend and I have to be proud of that. She loves me, dearly, she knows how much I love her and love being her daughter but she feels that there is no room in my life for her right now and she understands why, she pushed me away for so long that I had to find myself without her and no she doesn't want to "fit" into my world, she wants to make her own world now.

It was harsh to hear these things from a 16 year old. of course if I buy her a car she will come live with me or if I move to San Diego then she will live with me, she would even live on a boat with me but she won't come here to where I am at in my world. So what's a mom to do??? Do I give up all that I have accomplished in the last few months so that I can give in to her wants???

Damn my thoughts are racing and I am sick and I want to feel better :(

School

2006-01-20T08:45:00.000-08:00

It's my first week and I am again in love with learning. I picked some great classes this semester, I have 5 hours of art on Tuesday and 4 on thursdays, General Anthropology taught by a CURRENT Field Researcher - Oh how exciting. Mexican American History 1900-present - I am really hoping to learn a new perspective on the culture of these peoples and maybe get a new understanding of the immigration problems that we have. and then English - College Composition and critical thinking - I hope to learn a ton in this class, to improve my writing skills and gain more confidence in the works I produce.

Woo Hoo! it's a great day to be a student. - Never mind that 80% of the class are the same age as my kids and only in the english class did I find someone older than me. It keeps me young I guess

My new history class

2006-01-18T22:17:00.000-08:00

I am taking Mexican American History from 1900 to the present. It wasn't my first choice in history classes because I feel I already know what I need to know to form my opinion but it was the only history class that fit into that time slot, so I dedcided to let go of my preformed opinions and take the class to actually learn something, gain some new perspective.

During our first class, the instructor went over brief history of Mexico and asked the question "when does Mexican/American History begin?" Would it be before the conquering by spain, after the mexican american war? etc. This lead us to a discussion of the conquest itself and how the New Spain government was pushing its northern borders, first they would set up a Presidio (military installation) and then the Church would follow with it's missions. I prosed the question "what about the people that were already here? The indigenous peoples of what we call the South West and what the Mexican's called their Northern Territory. Where did they go? What happened to their way of life? I find it interesting how the indigenous peoples of most all lands have been "improved" via Christianity and Catholocism ARRRGGHHH! I find this frustrating on the surface but def. something I want to study more. It's not the indig. Mexicans that were doin this but those damn Europeans from Spain looking to conquer the world with their stupid church of Reformation.

Catholocism could hardly be called a religion any more, they continually absorb the ways, means, rituals, fesitvals and belief structures of those they Conquer to make their ways seem more tolerable.

3 days without a computer

2006-01-18T09:40:00.000-08:00

my passion for writing doesn't go away with a computer, here is 3 days worth of stuff.

Jan 17, 3pm
Wow, I got hit by a truck today. Between classes I went to the goodwill store and as I was walking in I heard this song on the radio, I gotta really warm and tingly feeling that started in my belly and radiated out to the tips of my fingers and my toes. I guess that's why Marvin Gaye was and is still so popular.

Anyhow it got me thinking about us and how we've been talking for a while now building our friendship really taking our time in getting to know each other. I want to get close to you to feel your touch upon my skin, to be led in your arms. I want to fall asleep with you and cuddle up close but there is this new feeling that you and I are developing by not going "there". I know that once we kiss the anticipation will go away and hopefully be replace with that comfortable feeling that couples get after being together for a while. So for now I will try to enjoy the nervousness, the wondering, the curiosity of daydreams and fantasies.

1/18/06 6:57
if I called you every time I thought of you we would never get off the phone. I am listening to one of my favorite CDS Celtic Circle. The sounds are so relaxing, so ancient, peaceful and calming. I find myself drifting off into fantasy land often daydreaming of the day we finally open up to each other, giving you access to my journal is a big step for me, because that (this) journal contains my innermost thoughts. It's a little deeper than the stuff I post on myspace. I edit much out for public viewing.

I am glad you like my story about my vacation last year. I love having that inspired feeling where words just pour from my pen in perfect harmony with my soul. I feel easy is that it only took you to actually read my writings to my interest in you.

I feel like you really want to know me, know my thoughts, see my soul for all it's beauty (and craziness) Your thoughtfully comments on my writings give me pride and encouragement to continue writing my perspectives on life, my insights on myself and the world at large as if I have something valuable to say. Not just because "I" write it but because it has meaning to someone other than myself.

But the fact that we don't discuss how we feel about each other is interesting. You don't comment on my looks or my choice of clothes as if they are insignificant. again, this peaks my interest because I get the feeling that getting laid is not your priority in the is relationship of no relationship and it makes me feel all the more valuable to myself and to you.

I get the feeling that if I had purple hair and green polka dots you would still be excited by me, interested in getting inside my head more so than my body, and since all my previous relationships began as sexual ones this is a new experience to me.

It does not by any means diminish the fact that you turn me on in more than physical ways but also physically. But I have no idea whether this is reciprocated and I wonder if it matters.

Can I, am I am capable of having an intimate relationship without sex? Does that mean I have to find new ways of showing my intimate feelings? my appreciation and desire to know you?

I have so many questions about me and us but if I ask them then it puts our relationship on a different path. a path I have traveled before. Maybe this is the path to the relationship I have always desired by letting someone into my world, my soul, without sharing my sexuality. Maybe it's sex that blocks people from really knowing me. Maybe he just tolerates the person that comes along with it. So in our case maybe we could learn to really know each other and that the sex would be a secondary or even frivolous perk. If you really get to know someone and fall in love without ever having sex would it matter then if the sex was earthshaking? Do I have more to offer than great sex? Would I enjoy it even more if I believed that I was loved without it?
................

more later

dreams and fantasies fill my mind

2006-01-18T05:35:00.000-08:00

I am anxious now to feel his touch, to feel his skin against mine, to be held by his strong arms, to fall asleep listening to his heartbeat. but no - don't go so fast - slow down, enjoy the anticipation, learn the joy of patience, because once we kiss it will be over, there will never be another first time. But oh how I long for his breath upon my neck, his fingers running through my hair, his tender but passion filled kiss that drops me to my knees.

Will I "fit"? Will I be uncomfortable? will I know his thoughts? Does he know mine? Is this OK?

I didn't think i would miss you
I thought my shell was pretty strong
you have pierced a hole with your smile
and delighted me with your songs
of frogs and fairytales
of who we want to be
who we were and werent and
who we can still be

I dont want to want you
I am fighting it everyday
I dont want to miss you
being alone is ok
I dont want to miss you
come back to me and ........

REQUEST FOR COMMISSION WORK

2006-01-15T13:19:00.000-08:00

In the past month I have received a few requests for my work, either galleries that want to carry my art or others that enjoy my writing. Today, I received a request that I am going to seriously consider. A major player in the Pagan world is putting together a "pagan magazine" with world wide distribution and they have asked me to be a columnist based upon my "confessions of a recovering Christian" writings posted on my blog site (not this one). We haven't discussed pay yet, I explained that I have a more than full schedule with school, two jobs, kids, family, my passion for art and the attempt to gain a social life.

But it's worth considering, my concern is that I am not sure if I will be able to write if given a deadline. I am sure MANY an author has the same issues. Another concern is - Will I have anything to say after a couple of articles? of additional concern is wether it will distract me from my goals.

Speaking of that.....I wonder if I should be more flexible about my goals. I have shut certain people down because their goals didn't line up with mine, I have also turned away work because of the conflict of where I am going and my current status. I thought life would be easier if I set myself some clear cut goals and if things didin't mesh with that then the answer would automatically be NO. Here I go second guessing myself again.

Are my goals realisitic? Can I achieve them without hurting those around me? Am I selling myself short of opportunities that may come along because I am so focused on this particular set of goals? Will I end up lonely and miserable once I have achieved them?

Oh what to do, what to do? It seems as if this year is coming together better than I had hoped for, considering where I was a few months ago. I have a lot to be proud of and yet I still have so far to go. I want my kids to look at someday soon and say "even though she is weird; I admire her. She inspires me to set and attain high hopes and aspirations. She has conquered major obstacles with grace and fortitude. She is more than the best mother in the world, She is my mentor"

Those goals aren't too lofty are they?

I am FREE FROM the US GOVERNMENT

2006-01-14T14:29:00.000-08:00

OMG OMG OMG WOOO HOOO PARTY PARTY PARTY

I AM NO LONGER IN DEBT TO THE UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION.

I AM NOW ELIGIBLE TO RECEIVE ALL YES THAT MEANS ALL MONIES OWED TO ME OR THAT I QUALIFY FOR.

THIS MEANS MY $18,000 SCHOLARSHIP, $4,500 IN TAXES FROM LAST YEAR, $4,800 TAXES FROM '05

WHOLLY SHIT! I AM OUT OF DEBT OUT OF DEBT OUT OF DEBT. I CAN BUY A REAL CAR, A HOUSE, A BOAT, A CREDIT CARD, A LIFE!

I CAN GET A STUDENT LOAN TO PAY OFF THE REST OF JESSICA'S SCHOOL, MY SCHOOL AND SAMMIES SCHOOL TOO!

I HAVEN'T RECIEVED A TAX REFUND IN 16 YEARS AND NOW i CAN I CAN DO ANYTHING, THE TIES THAT BIND ARE GONE

things that make you go HMMMMMMMM?

2006-01-14T13:18:00.000-08:00

1:30 PM - things that make you go HMMMMMMMM?

So for the first time in my memory I have been on multiple dates (with the same guy), without falling in love, giving all that I am or deciding it's def. not worth the time to do it again. Friendship first, what a concept! It's nice, comfortable, no pressure, no worries, no drama, no weird feelings and no desire to get married anytime soon. Am I finally maturing? I guess when you have a kid as young as I did it kinda handicaps the "dating scene". Do I pay for my own food? do I go buy a new outfit everytime we go out? I feel like a teenager again, so nervous and akward. It's been just about a month since we started becoming friends and I am not looking at wedding dresses, infact I am thinking about getting my own apartment again.

Tanner really blew it by ransacking my room while I was gone, I feel like I can't trust him anymore and I don't want to live where I don't feel comfortable and respected in the most basic sense. I understand he is just a kid but I don't like it anyway.

So it's kinda cool to have someone to talk to, hang out with, try new things with, without the pressure of a "relationship". I feel free, happy, intrigued, excited, and looking forward to the next time we meet again, but I am perfectly ok with it not being tomorrow. I enjoy my time alone, my painting time, my time with my sister, my jobs and soon enough school. I don't have to worry about hurting his feelings by having other things that are more important, because ultimately my goals are the MOST important thing to me. It's good that we share the idea that Family (our own kids) come first, jobs and schools second, me time third and if there is time left over than it's all good for date time. I just hope that he doesn't take that as a lack of interest, but I think we agree on it so I am not going to worry about it. What did he say today, oh "if its meant to happen it will" so there is no need to rush it.

I am still nursing my healing heart, I am still quite reserved and a little shy of having ANY feelings, let alone showing them if I did have them, so slow and easy is the course we are taking and I feel good about this. I don't want to be totally consumed by a guy ever again, I've let that happen three times in my life and it's turned out bad every time. I don't want to make decisions based upon how good it feels and I certainly don't want to just hand over the keys to my heart and soul again. I do, however, feel good when we are together but it's a much free-er feeling, not trying to make something happen or not, just being me, as silly and dimented as I am.

So here I sit going HMMMMMMMM, this is nice, this is easy, this is wierd. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

full moon names

2006-01-14T05:08:00.000-08:00

Jan. 14, 4:48 a.m. EST: The Full Wolf Moon. Amid the zero cold and deep snows of midwinter, the wolf packs howled hungrily outside Indian villages. It was also known as the Old Moon or the “Moon after Yule.” In some tribes this was the Full Snow Moon; most applied that name to the next moon.

Feb. 12, 11:44 p.m. EST: The Full Snow Moon. Usually the heaviest snows fall in this month. Hunting becomes very difficult, and hence to some tribes this was the Full Hunger Moon.

March 14, 6:35 p.m. EST: The Full Worm Moon. In this month the ground softens and the earthworm casts reappear, inviting the return of the robins. The more northern tribes knew this as the Full Crow Moon, when the cawing of crows signals the end of winter, or the Full Crust Moon because the snow cover becomes crusted from thawing by day and freezing at night. The Full Sap Moon, marking the time of tapping maple trees, is another variation. In addition, a very minor penumbral lunar eclipse will take place on this night; the Moon will pass through the Earth’s outer and cause a slight tarnishing or smudginess to appear on its lower rim. The darkest phase of this eclipse comes at 6:48 p.m. EST. For about 40 minutes before and after this time, the subtle penumbral shading may be detected with binoculars and even the naked eye.

April 13, 12:40 p.m. EDT: The Full Pink Moon. The grass pink or wild ground phlox is one of the earliest widespread flowers of the spring. Other names were the Full Sprouting Grass Moon, the Egg Moon, and -- among coastal tribes -- the Full Fish Moon, when the shad came upstream to spawn. This is also the Paschal Full Moon; the first full Moon of the spring season. The first Sunday following the Paschal Moon is Easter Sunday, which indeed will be observed three days later on Sunday, April 16.

May 13, 2:51 a.m. EDT: The Full Flower Moon. Flowers are abundant everywhere. It was also known as the Full Corn Planting Moon or the Milk Moon.

June 11, 2:03 p.m. EDT: The Full Strawberry Moon. Known to every Algonquin tribe. Europeans called it the Rose Moon.

July 10, 11:02 p.m. EDT: The Full Buck Moon, when the new antlers of buck deer push out from their foreheads in coatings of velvety fur. It was also often called the Full Thunder Moon, thunderstorms being now most frequent. Sometimes also called the Full Hay Moon.

Aug. 9, 6:54 a.m. EDT: The Full Sturgeon Moon, when this large fish of the Great Lakes and other major bodies of water like Lake Champlain is most readily caught. A few tribes knew it as the Full Red Moon because the moon rises looking reddish through sultry haze, or the Green Corn Moon or Grain Moon.

Sept. 7, 2:42 p.m. EDT: The Full Corn Moon. Corn – an Indian staple -- is now ready for gathering. The Moon will also be at perigee later this day, at 11:00 p.m., at a distance of 221,938 miles/357,175 km. from Earth. As such, this will be the biggest and brightest Full Moon of 2006. Very high tides can be expected from the coincidence of perigee with full Moon. In addition, a rather small (19%) partial lunar eclipse will be visible from Africa, Asia, Australia, and Eastern Europe. Maximum eclipse occurs at 18:51 GMT.

Oct. 6, 11:13 p.m. EDT: The Full Harvest Moon. Always the full Moon occurring nearest to the Autumnal Equinox. In one out of three years, it comes in October and 2006 is one of those years.

Nov. 5, 7:58 a.m. EST: The Full Beaver Moon. Time to set beaver traps before the swamps freeze to ensure a supply of warm winter furs. Another interpretation suggests that the name Beaver Full Moon comes from the fact that the beavers are now active in their preparation for winter. Also called the Frosty Moon.

Dec. 4, 7:25 p.m. EST: The Full Cold Moon; among some tribes, the Full Long Nights Moon. In this month the winter cold fastens its grip, and the nights are at their longest and darkest. Also sometimes called the “Moon before Yule” (Yule is Christmas, and this time the Moon is only just before it). The term Long Night Moon is a doubly appropriate name because the midwinter night is indeed long and the Moon is above the horizon a long time. The midwinter full Moon takes a high trajectory across the sky because it is opposite to the low Sun.

Lunar cycles

Lastly, here are some interesting calendrical facts that the famed Belgian astronomical calculator Jean Meeus has compiled concerning the phases of the Moon.

All are cyclical, the most noteworthy being the so-called Metonic Cycle that was independently discovered by the Greek astronomer Meton (born about 460 B.C.). This is a 19 year cycle, after which time the phases of the Moon are repeated on the same days of the year, or approximately so.

For instance, there is a Full Moon on July 10, 2006. Nineteen years hence, in 2025 there’ll be another Full Moon on July 10. Another interesting cycle: after 2 years, the preceding lunar phase occurs on, or very nearly the same calendar date. Thus, in 2008, the First Quarter Moon will occur on July 10. After 8 years, the same lunar phases repeat, but occurring one or two days later in the year. The Greeks called this 8-year cycle the octaeteris. Indeed, in 2014, a Full Moon occurs on July 12.

Finally, in our Gregorian Calendar, 372 years provides an excellent long-period cycle for the recurrence of a particular phase on a given date. Thus, we know with absolute certainty that the same Full Moon that shines down on us on July 10 of 2006 will also be shining on July 10 in the year 2378.

full moon Friday the 13th

2006-01-13T21:49:00.000-08:00

I feel really weird right now. I just got home from a second date or a first real dinner date. I honestly cant remember ever "dating" before. I have gone out with guys before and either never saw them again by choice or married them or lived with them within weeks. So a second "date" is unusual but at the same time it feels really good. We had a great dinner and conversation. I of course chose somewhere I would feel comfortable so we went to The Red Caboose; the place I work at 2-3 days a week. So I was surrounded by people that knew me and were happy that I was coming out just for fun.

It's odd, I really enjoy taking things much much slower. He is a great guy, has a ton of attributes that are important to me, the only disagreement we have so far is country music but hey I am willing to expand my musical experience even further. I think he is the first person I have ever ever met that hasn't said "oh you have such beautiful eyes". I find that intriguing. He is open but a little mysterious and I am reserved as well.

But of course the superstitions of the day would have to come to fruition some how and when I got home I found my nephew had had a party in my room. ARRRGGGHHH My bedroom has been my sanctuary for many many years and my kids knew better than to go in my room when I am not home. I had allowed him to go on the computer but also requested that he never bring anyone in there while I was gone. My paint brushes were thrown on the floor, the tips to my calligraphy pen are all over the whole room many lost I am sure. a few of my paintings were crumpled during the pillow fight and I am afraid to look any further. This makes me want to move out. I don't want to be pissed off at my nephew but I don't ever want the little fucker in my room ever again. I need my own place, I can't live here and truly become my OWN being; I also don't want to move in with a man, any man. I would like my own apartment and I think I am going to work on that more so than the car. I am pissed and my next date with that guy is in exactly 12 hours. How many new pair of underwear am I gonna have to buy? Because as you all know, You have to have on a brand new, never before seen pair of the cutest underwear, "just in case he sweeps me off my feet and throws me in his bed and says he can't live another second without seeing my tattoo" :)

my cutter!

2006-01-10T21:46:00.000-08:00

I found a boat! can't wait to research it and see if it's good! 44' CSY Cutter, 1977: Fiberglass. Recently refurbished w. new 4.5KW generator, re-built Perkins with >10 hours, Benmar autopilot; VHF; depth-sounder/log; refridgerator. Ideal liveaboard/charter/world cruiser. Clean, well cared for, good maintenance. Many extras. $92,500/obo

to that guy

2006-01-10T07:15:00.000-08:00

I don't want to wait for saturday

2006-01-10T07:01:00.000-08:00

You impress me tremendously, you read my writings, you take time out of your busy life to let me know you are thinking of me. I feel comfortable with you, as if I don't need a mask, that you can see ME as I truly am. You are kind, sensitive and a devoted father. You make me laugh and smile and think. This was how I felt last night before I got to see you in person. And then......... Then I saw you and well ...I am looking forward to the next time.

Don't know if I can wait five days to see you again. Thoughts and fantasies fill my head. Leaving was akward, I didn't want too, I wanted you grab me, to kiss me, to bring me back inside, to hold me. I wanted to reach out and kiss you several times but I don't want to scare you away. I want to hold you, and be held.
there are so many things I want to know, did it feel as "right" to you. Your smile is amazing, Did I capture your eyes like you captured mine? I couldn't read you. which is so rare for me. Your hugs felt warm and comfortable, I wonder if we would lay down together if I would just fit with your body as you have seem to just fit so comfortably with my soul.

I told you things were looking up

2006-01-06T09:21:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

4:43 PM - I told you things are looking up!

So remember last week when I said I could see the light coming, well the sun shined on me today - literrally for the first time in MANY MANY days, I hate not seeing the sun, any how, i digress,

I signed the papers today for....... drum roll please......AN ART STUDIO 6 blocks from the marina, it 528 square feet with 16 foot tall ceilings, I cant shower or cook food there but it's all mine, including a table saw, router, jigsaw and some other shop tools, and he is building out a space for my kiln (that I hope to get from santa on the next paycheck) So as long as I cook and shower at my sisters it's all good. I have 24 hour access, I can SMOKE! woo hoo, and I can have my dogs there - it's so freaking awesome.
I am so happy, i am so happy, happy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happy.

I wasn't gonna go out cuz this huge pimple between my eyes is enormous and i am embarrased but i decided that if the sun could show it's warm and glowing face then I could too. I am so glad I did but now I am back in my room hiding. (WAITING FOR THE PHONE TO RING!) hint hint hint

the sun shined again today

2006-01-06T09:18:00.000-08:00

I took a break outside today and sat there and let the sun warm my face. It felt so good to be embraced by the suns firey glow. Spring time where are you? I know winter has just begun but I CANT wait for the sun to rule the days again. At least it's staying out a little longer everyday now.

I got a chance to talk with someone I was hoping would call for a few weeks now. It was nice, when I heard the phone ring I Flew from the living room into my room. A nice respite from my self inflicted solitary confinement. I am looking forward to the next time. :)

I decided a few days ago that I am in need of adrenaline, it's been a few months since my last jump, a few months too long. I am calling bryon and davis tomorrow to see when AFF begins again. I want to fly on my own now, I am ready to control my own destiny.

I wanna fall 14,000 feet towards the ground at terminal velocity

2006-01-06T09:14:00.000-08:00

8:57 PM - Wanna Join me???

Byron dropzone has $20 ground school in March (that's $100 savings), I am So on that list, already sent my email but I need a tandem in the mean time,
Visit Bayarea Skydive! Just incase anyone wants to join me :)

To catch a frog

2006-01-06T09:12:00.000-08:00

8:40 PM - What an AMAZING Day!

I haven't felt this good in 5 months- at least- I feel good and strong again! I got a phone call today from someone that appreciated my art, a compliment from my boss, a present from my brother in law :'), and I heard frogs ribbitting while filling up my gas tank. I am not sure but that might have been the most wonderful part, I just sat there listening to the frogs - wondering where they were and would I get arrested for going to look for them. I love frogs, I love the sounds they make, I love their cute little faces, I hate it when they are squished on the driveway.

Frogs remind me of a simpler time in life when chasing frogs was something to do that filled 1/2 your day. Woudln't it be nice to be so child like that you just take off on an adventure, unplanned, unaware of the rest of the world, your only focus is the sound of the frog and how you can find him? Oh I remember many times taking off with my cousin who was a couple years younger than I, and sometimes we would end up on the complete other end of town without even realizing it and then we would get in trouble for being gone so long and so far away. Of course, I always blamed it on him, saying I had to run to keep up with him and he kept going further and further and it was me who dragged him home. The truth was neither of us cared about anything else than being the first to catch a frog.

Well I feel like that today, Like I was the only one to catch the frog!

do you exist?

2005-12-26T21:11:00.000-08:00

My own writings tell me that if you want somethng in life you have to focus intently on it. To Manifest; I must write it out. Here I will beging the manifestation of a partner for me. In great detail I can now go, knowing what I have truly enjoyed in my relationship with jojo and what I have found since, that displeases me.

I seek a partner that enjoys the simplest of life; the sound of frogs, and crickets, the ocean crashing against the shore, a babling broor or a soft waterfall. A partner that adores my smile, one that smiles upon the sight of me, whom I lift upon the clouds with my love and passion. I want to bring happiness to someonne. This someonewill find the good in life and other people, this one will not find pleasure in the degredation of others but will seek out what is good and right with people of the world, regardless of class, skin color, race, or religion, but will judge upon the choices and actions of people.

This one will accept, acknowledge and encourage self actualization and quest for knowledge of other religions and my developing spirtual beliefts. Possible another former christian who would undestand and empathize with my loss of faith in one god.

This one will have a passion for sailingand will share my desire to sail around the world. A passion for learning is also desired as well as acceptance and encouragement of my educational goals. This one will be an artist of some sort and will share their knowledge and passion with me and others.

my lover will excite me and my passions, and we will fee equally comfortable in eachothers presence without clothing, masks, inhibitions and insecurities. This love will enjoy me in my nakedness yet not desire to share it with anyone else. Manogomy is desired. This love will befriend my children and adore them as well as having had children of their own, one who loves their children as I do mine and wh is able to be free of the daily responsibilities of them within a few years. This man will be taller than me, and will be about the same size, I would love to share levi's. A lover of the sun and in good health to handle the sailing, skydiving, hiking, swimming. Hair should be long to run my fingers through and play with at night. This man will be born in the 60's who has an understanding of my upbringing as a child of a flower child and has compassion for my relationships with my faimly, he should have family of his own so that he will truly understand the ups and downs of family relationships.

He will let me inside his head and share his thoughts with me. He wont' keep secrets yet will respect privacy and space, he will be funny and make me laugh and he will enjoy my silly side. He will like to eat my cooking and will at times cook for me. We will be equals in the household and will teach me when I don't know how to do something and will accept my teaching as well when I have more experience or knowledge. he wont compete with me but he will push me to be the very best I can and will expect the same from me. His passion for the ocean will equal or outweigh mine never wanting to be long from her. He will either have a boat already or will share the same focus of getting or building one to sail from port to port around all the shores of the world. If he comes along after I have gotten my boat he will feel at home on her and lover her as I do. He will like or tolerate my love for VW busses and my desire to shed material possesions. he will love us more than anything he owns and will be committed to the relationship equally as I. He will enjoy my love of fairies and mermaids and will have similar passions of his own. He will encourage me to write and will be content eith the fact that some of it is not meant to be read but will be interested in reading what I offer. he wont be a jealous man, he will know and accept my love but he will value me and my love and not do harm to me and our relationship. He will be slow to anger and easy to please. He will have character and respect from and towards those we meet. He will share his dreams, passions and life with me, he will never feel superior or inferior to me. He will cherish me and my love. He will be my friend above all things and will love me with a passion that fulfills me but does not suffocate me or hinder me. I will not be a burden to him but a partner. Money will not be an issue between us as either there will be plenty to share or our struggle will be equal in giving all that we have. He will not be a lazy man but will appreciate hard work as well as a nap in the afternoon.

he will enjoy all types of musice and will tolerate my tastes as varied as they are. He will enjoy talking good of me and will not find pleasure in degrading me or making fun of me, he will accept my head strong ways and will not be turned off by my intensities. I will not scare him or push him away with my love and passion but he too will be excited by our relationship and will allow it to take it's natural course however fast or slow that may be. My impulsiveness will delight him and my ever changing interests will keep him entertained. Did I mention his LONG HAIR and passion for art and music and learning. His face will be weathered from the sun and his skin will be pleasing to the touch, his eyes will tell stories of past lives and loves but will brighten when they gaze into mine. I will see my future in his eyes and we will sail the world together very soon.

he will like to play scrabble and rummy. This one will be content in silence and please with a quiet smile a simple touch and mad and passionate lovemaking. affection will be given and recieved in perfect balance.

Jesus Christ Superstar

2005-12-22T22:44:00.000-08:00

I was watching one of my favorite shows the other night - Jesus Christ Superstar with Ted Neely
(he is still the Hottest Jesus I have ever seen) Anyhow it occurred to me that if Jesus was the "Almighty God" Why did he only visit a small portion of the world? why didn't he reveal himself to china, Native America, or other places on the earth. Why was Jerusuelum so special??

winter solstice 2005

2005-12-22T22:43:00.000-08:00

Well the year has been coming to a close/end/darkness/ etc. for the past 6 months now. This couldn't be more true in my life. Since June 21st my life has gone through a downward spiral, spinning out all the people that don't really care or weren't getting what they thought they wanted from me. Spinning out all the material things which have come to have no value in my life, spinning out all the dirty water, slowly spiraling down to the bottom. I feel it. It's coming to an end, things are going to get better very soon, the sun will start shining again more and more each day after the darkness of tomorrow. The longest night - the longest darkness, the longest loneliness and then......... it gets better, it gets warmer and the earth starts bearing her fruit.

I know it's coming, and I can rejoice in the darkness of now because I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can rejoice in the lonliness of now because I see myself in the mirror and I am starting to like what i see, I can rejoice in the lack of material things because I now know what is truly important to me and what I can't live without. I can rejoice in all the trouble and chaos, and even the loss and destruction because I have made it through to the very darkest of days and it's only going to get better from here.

I can look forward to spring, the new life, new found love of myself and my own world that is a creation all of my own doing. I am alone, I am hurt, I am poor, I am sad and yet I love who I am spending all my time with these days, my pain is dissepating and it didn't kill me, I am rich with the love of my kids and closest friends who have walked through this fire with me (marshmelo, rex, sammy, mom, jen, tony & katie), I am happy with who I have become and who I am and NO ONE can ever take that away from me again. Those who have left me in this dark time didn't really deserve me anyhow, they are truly the ones who have lost something because I have gained me.

So I embrace this winter solstice with a big warm hug and bright moonlit smile.

sorry guys - gotta buy your own beer!

2005-12-14T22:47:00.000-08:00

Dear kymberley,
Here is your single's love horoscope
for Wednesday, December 14:

There's no need to spend a fortune to impress that cutie you're after. And if you do need to break the bank, perhaps this isn't the person for you. Besides, shouldn't you be using that money toward more immediate needs?

Currently listening:
Too Fast For Love

am I invisible?

2005-12-12T22:48:00.000-08:00

I am beginning to wonder if I am a figment of my own imagination. Some friends just dissappear overnight, no explanation, no return calls, no emails. Teachers forget who I am, emails go unread, unreturned, phone goes silent.

Did I fall off the face of the earth and someone forgot to tell me?

waiting for the perfect...........................

2005-12-08T22:43:00.000-08:00

I have been applying for jobs like crazy, as well as scholarships, and registering for classes all independent of eachother, opening myself up to what ever opportunities may come my way. Well, I have been offered like 9 jobs now but it is unbelievable what has happened. During my job search I decided to only schedule classes on Tuesday and Thursday to leave more work days open so I could find more work for more money for more stability and less dependence on everyone around me.

When I applied at the new college I decided to re-take my assesments just to see what I have learned over the last year. Well, it seems as though I am smart! who woulda thunk it. I scored very high on reading, english, and so so in math. Enough to be awarded the Honors Program. I am carrying 15 units and I go from 8am - 7pm on these days and I got almost every class I wanted, I just couldn't swing the ceramics class. I am taking Anthropology, Art, English, Algebra and American History. I am very excited about each class. My art class is in three-dimensional design and is the longest class with 3 hours each day. The Anthro Class is just general Anthro but they weren't offering any others this semester so I took what I could. My English Class is the Highest Class you can test into. Woo Hoo - lots of writing coming up I am sure. The other classes Algebra and History are requirements that I must get out of the way. I am not too hip on American History, I am afraid I will disagree with the teacher on many subjects. I have my own opinions about our government and how it was founded and what has become of us. I hope that the class can give me new insight, I will try to keep an open mind, however I walked out of my last history class on the first day and that was when I was still "christian" Imagine how I will be these days.

So back to the unbelievable part as if the above wasn't enough. I ran into an old accquaintance from 17 years ago or so and we were talking about my job search, he told me there might be an opening in his company come march, blah blah blah but it turns out that someone is leaving and left a gaping hole that needs to be filled. Amazingly enough, I have the skills to fill the position AND>>>>>>>>>>>> I can work Mon, Wed, Fri, Sunday - which means - I have a full time job, with benefits, AND A full School Schedule AND I still get Saturday's OFF! - Holy shit! Thank the Goddess for giving me the perserveance to just keep trying and looking till I found EXACTLY what I wanted and NEEDED.

I couldn't be happier - Anxious to start, work, school, Saturdays for me! I am one happy camper right now!

Just wish that a certain friend named Mike would call me - and no NOT my exhusband Mike - eewwweeewwww that would be gross.

my last night in paradise

2005-11-09T20:38:00.000-08:00

Tonight is really my last night to screw around on the computer. I screwed up my laptop thinking I could take shortcuts with windoze. I still haven't heard back from him, I prolly never will again and that's a good thing. I finished my essay, packed, took naps, cleaned up the kitchen, and not much else today. My sister called, she is having drama at her place and I don't want to get involved in it. I don't want to hear about her and dave problems damn it. They can't be having problems and Tanner and Cassidy are so loud - I hope my room will give me peace there. I want to paint, I have so much in my head right now. Anger, frustration, excitement, nervous, fear, sadness, worry, pain, guilt, repression, freedom, all of these and more are coming down on me right now.

He gave me Me
He showed me the mirror and
taught me to look past the reflection into my soul

He showed me that I was beautiful, a little tattered but not torn, a little weary but not worn

He held me close and gave me Me

I wish my chat buddy was on, I like to do readings with him. I don't want to study anymore tonight about anything, I don't want to pack or worry about my future, I just want to play :) Woo Hoo -

stupid men suck ass

2005-11-09T11:13:00.000-08:00

Why, Mr. Sailorman, do you think so poorly of me?

2005-11-09T07:32:00.000-08:00

I tried three times yesterday to post to my blog here but when it would post only the title would show and my writings would be lost - I rewrote this two times;
I was disturbed today (during class mind you) by a phone call from mr. sailorman. Someone posted something mean on his website that I had no knowledge of and he thought it was me. He said it had all the trademarks of my writing. He even emailed me some real sarcastic remarks too. It bothers me that he would think that I am that kind of person. Yet he thought of my writings, I wonder what was written? I can't get that out of my mind, and I hadn't thought of him in weeks. I had forgotten all about his rejection and realized that it was truly his loss that he didn't know me. He didn't take the time to see who I really am before he brushed me aside. Yet, I opened myself up to him; why do I do that? Why do I give of myself so freely to people who dont really deserve it? He could have deserved it - but I didn't make him earn it - I just gave it away - therefore devaluing my soul. Hmmm writing this is really helping in addition to some wise words from a true friend. When I meet someone I usually make an immediate judgement wether I could let them in or not, a select few have been given free reign inside my soul, I open all the doors, let down all the walls and say "here I am." I see now that I am not allowing these people to get to know me as they should, slowly, bit by bit. Earning my trust so that I don't have this feeling of rejection. I fell in love with that boat damn it.

Why did he call me - why would he think of me? I thought he would never think of me again. It bothers me - do I give the impression of a mean and vengeful person? He distracted me from my pain of jojo leaving me - but just for a few days really. I tried to immerse myself in the Harbor to distract myself of the pain that I was suffering. Jojo hurt me more than I thought he could, so I found someone else to fall into. Him pushing me away was probably the best thing that has happened to me lately. Thank the Gods that he didn't allow me to escape into his dream, because I wanted too. I really wanted to just sail away into his world and never come back to reality. I could have dropped everything I was working towards and followed him and his dream and yet again I would be living someone elses dream.

I am making my own dreams now. I really glad that I have figured out a way to focus solely on my education and get my degree then I can dissappear into my own dream. My own new reality and live MY story. Not another mans story. the shitty thing is if he would have called and said that he missed me and wanted to see me I probably would have gone to be with him and i would have just layed myself out for him to take all over again. I might even find a way not to move to SF- I have been trying so hard to find a way to stay here to continue at Palomar. Palomar has the best damn art department and Sam really wants to finish high school at SDHS - I wish I could make that happen but it's just not possible. No prince charming is going to come along and make it easy for me - I am going to have to work for it and it's probably better that way.

So good bye mr. sailor man. Sorry you think so poorly of me, sorry you didn't want to really know me but i think i am going to be just fine and maybe even have a boat of my own to sail around the world.

Then I found his page this morning and read the comment, the grammar was all wrong and the statements are not anything that I would ever write and it doesn't look my writing at all - to me at least. I wonder why he thought it was me - damn it it's bugging me so badly I could scream. Why did he call and email, what are his real motives? To infect my brain again? To get back under my skin? Why couldn't he have just forgotten about me as I had forgotten about him? Why damnit? Why? Just go away and leave me be - I erased his email AGAIN and his phone call from my phone - I don't want to email him anymore - I don't want to open myself up again, but I did, I told him all about me and my life AGAIN. He doesn't care, why did I offer that information? Why couldn't I have just said "I forgot all about you - I didn't write anything about you, I don't have time for that and then just hang up? Damn it Damn it Damn it - why do I let him in, over and over? I only knew him a couple weeks yet he infected my soul. But the more I think about the more I realize it wasn't him really. It was the boat and the dream, he would have just been an added perk. I really want to sail around the world and his boat would have made it very comfortable. But I don't need that big of a boat, I really want something smaller - just for one person to handle on their own. I don't need all that luxury - I just need enough room to paint and draw when the wind is still.

I will find something but after being on the windchime all other boats pale in comparison. It sucks that I have even been there, it's like going to the most expensive model home before you see the cheaper ones. The windchime is gorgeous, 6 beautiful staterooms, a full size galley, nice bathrooms and more deck space than most homes, I could actually be on that boat and not see him for days if I wanted too. I wanted to care for that boat. I felt like the boat and him had manifested me to take care of them both, it sucked ass when he decided that he didn't want me - he wanted someone with more "Class". There are other boats - one that is better suited to my needs and better men - one that appreciates me and my rough edges, my passion for life, my quirky creative side and appreciates my nurturing nature. A partner to share this journey with. Someone who will love me as passionately as I love them but who will be my friend first and foremost.

someone, someday, some boat, will be mine - I can wait - I have all the time in the world.

confirmation

2005-11-02T20:29:00.000-08:00

I am putting this in my regular journal because it affects so many aspects of my life. I made a decision the other day about a certain path that I had decided to take, wholeheartedly and to stop dipping into so many different paths and just go in one direction. Since that day, I have had so many confirmations it's uncanny. Once I joined the Temple of Isis and received word from my new teacher, I about fell off my chair, she is an anthropologist. I went to the bookstore today and found a book on Isis, the picture on the cover is almost an exact replica of the "artifact" that I just completed in my ceramics class. The picture is of an "artifact" of Isis that is broken and damaged, Almost exactly damaged as my piece was when it came out of the kiln. The goddess sculpture that I made the other day that I am so very happy with is also very similar to another "Isis artifact" in this book of the history of Isis. I had not seen these pictures until today.

Many of the passages in my writings in the last two years are very similar to the teachings that I am recieving and some of the journals of the students of the lyceum. It seems I have been on this path for a while - unconciously and it's all being confirmed for me - I know I am on the right path now. Woo Hoo!

secret admirer

2005-11-01T22:57:00.000-08:00

I have a program that tracks all the ISP's that visit my page so i know when a certain someone stops by my page. I know that while you are a patient of a clinic you can't have outside relationships with those that are involved in your care. Well, I am no longer visiting San Diego and I would very much like to have a friendship with a certian someone. I give you permission to get my phone number from my file!

Good luck to you and I will miss you and san diego very much!

New Blog

2005-11-01T22:55:00.000-08:00

I started yet another new blog today -http:// isisjournal.blogspot.com
I have begun training for ordination as a high priestess of the temple of Isis I will keep my journal of my experiences there. Just another place for you stop by and get updates on who I am and where I am going.

wishing I was two

2005-10-30T22:49:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a great day - I helped my son move into his new place - It's a beautiful home in a gated community in the new part of IRVINE. I am so very proud of him - he starts his new job tomorrow. His new place is awesome and only a 6 mile bike ride from work - the bus would be an hour and half with a 2 mile walk.

however; when I called Jess to say hi cuz she was on my mind - my heart broke in half - it was parents weekend at school - I didn't know - not that I could have gone in my current situation but I could have tried to pull a plane ticket out of my ass. I felt so bad for her, that must have sucked to have everyone elses parents there all happy and family like and her all alone - I hate my financial situation but it has to be this way for a while for her and I to accomplish our dreams.

I love my kids so very much - and I am so proud of them - they are the light of my life - I may not always show it in the way that they want me too but I know that they know that I love them.

Raising them was so much easier when they were little - I knew what their needs were and i met them (most of the time) but now it's different - they are growing into their own people and it's hard to tell how much mommying I need to do to help them become self sufficient.

They have put up with a boat load of shit from me this year but they know I would give them the skin off my back if they needed it to be successfull and happy. I feel like I have put them through hell lately but I can't feel sorry for myself or them because I guess it was neccessary for all of us - look where we are going now - not that I am excusing the pain away - it has been very painful for all of us. I was unable to meet all of their needs, my needs, jojo's needs and my families and I broke down. It was horrible for everyone - but I got the help I needed and was able to help them finally and now it's all golden.

I am so proud of them I could shit purple bricks - we are strong - we are a family - even though we will all be living in different cities - we are invincible now. I am proud and happy to be their mommy.

Raising babies is easy - easy - easy compared to raising yourself and 3 teenagers at the same time.

Currently listening:
The Other Side of the Mirror
By Stevie Nicks
Release date: By 18 May, 1989

October 23 - Inspirational

2005-10-23T22:49:00.000-07:00

Your quote of the day for
October 23, 2005

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."

– Rabbi Hillel

this couldnt be more true for me - I am happier than I have been in so very long. I am over jojo - he doesn't even look cute to me anymore :) I feel ready to move on to the next chapter. I am really looking forward to moving back up to the bay area now. I have friends there and there is lots of water for me to practice my sailing until I am ready to sail around the world.

This is gonna be good :)

Woo Hoo I am a Nor Cal girlie once again!

I am woman hear me Roar!

2005-10-22T22:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Kymberley, October 22, 2005

Your horizons could be opening up a bit and you might be developing a greater sense of strength, inspiration and direction right now. Some important new doors may soon be opening for you, so be prepared to take advantage of many changing circumstances that could benefit you in any number of ways.

Your quote of the day for October 22, 2005

"We are not what we know but what we are willing to learn." – Mary Catherine Bateson

Lately, my horoscope has had amazing accuracy -

Oct 23 - Nov 21 You have lots of friends, but you may be seeking something that one individual cannot provide. As the search goes on, you're getting close.

When I told my mom of my move to my sisters she wasn't overly excited for me - infact she offered me her home in Ohio - It was something to think about and through my research I found that I would have to give up my free education in order to take advantage of her generous offer. So instead of telling her no, I asked her to pay for my tuition at University of Cincinnatti. She had to gracefully decline. It made things so much better for me. By going about things the way I did, I was able to gain a clear, guilt free path to the next adventure in my life. I am focused on my education and I don't have to feel guilty about that. I know what I want, I know I am capable and I know what to do to make it happen; I also have the strength to make it a reality!

I feel so damn good right now, Like my heart is not torn and shredded lying on the floor anymore but inside me, I am complete, I am whole and my heart is healing inside and throbbing and beating with an amazing life force. I know who I am, and where I am going and what I am doing with my life for the first time in over a year. These last few months have been horrible since Jojo dropped his bomb, but I have grown, healed and put on some armour for the next time.

I couldn't be happier for my kids, Rex with his new job in OC and his assistance from his father, Sam, moving in with her father and Jess, gaining her indepedence and identity in NY. Things seem to be coming together for me and not becuase some man rescued me but because I have weathered the storm ALONE and I am still standing with more fortitude than ever before.

I am strong, I am woman, hear me ROAR!

happy for Rex

2005-10-17T22:51:00.000-07:00

- WooooooHooooo I am so happy!
Current mood: accomplished

My son got the job of his dreams today - He will be working for Blizzard Entertainment - The maker of his favorite video games. He is going to be moving in with his father (or paternal grandma) in Orange County very shortly.

he is going on to the next chapter in his life where he actually becomes his own man. I couldn't be prouder of him or his dedication and commitment to his dreams. Congrats buddy. Love you bunches.

Good Bye San Diego

2005-10-16T22:52:00.000-07:00

Good bye San Diego
Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Life

Well, I studied the pro's and con's and several different outcomes, and I have decided that it is time to move on away from my love for the ocean, away from my mom, away from family, away from the memories of lost loves. I am returning to one of my favorite places, the San Franciso Bay Area. It is very hard for me to let go of my love for the ocean but I keep telling myself that Santa Cruz is only a day trip away. I will have the delta, the bay, the russian river, and those long drives that I loved to take when the kids were little.

Sam will be closer to her dad, and tony and katie and i will be helping my sister, something I have always wanted to do. I will have the opportunity to be a real Aunt to my neice and nephew and brother-in-law is on a mission to find me a man worthy of my love. This has been one of longest decisions I have ever made - taking my time to really think about the consequences either way.

There is a faery tradition clan right there in Antioch that i have been very interested in for a couple of years whom I would love to write for. The college has a pretty good art department, and my current teachers are behind my move, allowing me to finish the semester via email.

I have made some really good friends here but I also have friends in the Bay Area that have stood by me the 10 years I have been gone and are still waiting for my return. It's not like I am running away to an unknown place, I am returning to a place I ran from 10 years ago.

I hope that my friends will support me and stop by my continuous yard sale or grab a box and help me pack. :)

Thanks San Diego for a great 4 years but now it's time to move on.

Swimming with dolpins!

2005-10-05T22:56:00.000-07:00

On my way to catalina, i experienced one of the most magical moments in my life, solidifying my belief that I must have been a mermaid in a previous or future life.

We sailed at night to catalina, the red tide was still lingering and the bait fish were lighting up the harbor with their trials of flourescent green sparkles. About an hour into the trip the moon started to rise behind us. It slowly lingered over the Camp Pendleton Mountains with it's gingerly grin, reminesinct of the Chesire Cat. There it was, this huge orange cheesy grin laying ontop of the mountains. It was easy to see how the artist got the idea for the cheshire cat, but as I looked ahead towards the bow I saw the flourescent green sparkles again. These were much bigger trials though and as I got closer to the bow I realized what I was witnessing. There were 6 dolphins swimming with the boat right at the bow, racing us as we sped along the calm ocean. There were four larger ones, two on portside and two on the starboard and along with them were two smaller ones that kept jumping from side to side infront of the boat. The littelest one would roll over and flip his flipper at me from time to time. They kept up with us over twenty minutes and truly gave me a show. I talked to them as I always do any sort of life form. I felt as if I were swimming right along with them. In all the years that the others had been on the sea they had never seen anything like it. It was true beauty in it's purest form. No need for tv for me; give me this reality anyday.

a wonderful article

2005-10-04T23:14:00.000-07:00

I just got done reading a great article that I found on witchvox about being a pagan republican and this guy/girl hit it on the head. I couldn't have said it any better myself. I have been struggling lately with my stance on politics. I rarely listen to anyone but Rush anymore. It seems Rush is the only one who doesn't flaunt his christian beliefs in his conservative message. yes he is christian and he thanks god for his talent however he keeps his beliefs his own and doesn't denegrate differing views, as long as they are conservative government that is. So I sit here with my small government, let the states decide their own fate, freedom of religion beliefs with no place to lay my head or stand my flag. I wonder if there will be a large split in the party soon because of Bush's lack of Border Patrol and the automatic inclusion with right wing extremists. Is there a civil war brewing? Are the christians going to get so fed up that they feel they must fight to protect their God. Having been a leader in the christian movement in the midwest I really have to wonder what they are rallying their troops for these days. Are all pagans going to be cast out? is Paranoia setting in ?

http://www.witchvox.com/va/dt_va.html?a=usfl&c=words&id=10005

My descriptive paragraph of the fairy pond

2005-10-04T23:13:00.000-07:00

The Fairy Pond

Being close to the natural earth soothes my soul, I find solace in the chaotic beauty of Mother Earth and her limitless varieties of life; I have found one particular spot of her that has captured my soul. On a turnout from the curvy, and sometimes dangerous Pacific Coast Highway, halfway between Monterey and Big Sur, there is a magical gathering of the mountain forest and the rugged ocean shore. When you pull off at this turnout you only need walk but a few steps to be thrust into another world. The rock formations coming down the crook of two mountains are smooth as glass from the constant flow of water from a fresh water spring above. The water flows into a pool, right there at the beginning of the trial. You can sit on the rocks and look into your reflection and beyond, for it seems the pool is endless in it’s depth and reaches all the way down to ocean below you just on the other side of the highway. There are times when you can hear this quiet little babbling brook and the crash of the waves at the same time. Vines swing down from the trees with these beautiful little white flowers while they shower the area with their subtle fragrance. The trees have long leaves that hang over the pond that filter the sunlight with movement; the shadows shift constantly, adding to the ethereal sense of this other world. There are several varieties of botanical greenery along the pond, which houses many of it’s own life forms, including frogs, fish and many little and unseen creatures. I imagine this to be a perfect setting for a colony of fairies, so I often visit this place either physically or through memory to get inspiration for my fairy stories and artwork. My visits remind me of Mother Nature’s chaos and beauty, which helps me find beauty in the chaos of my own life.

The Fairy Pond is up and running again!

2005-10-04T21:09:00.000-07:00

Woo Hoo! The fairy pond is up again and I am renewing my dedication to the site - I hope all of you will visit my little corner of heavan often. http://thefairypond.com

the fairy pond......where beautiful creatures are found!

I am more than her mother

2005-09-15T08:51:00.000-07:00

I really hurt my daughter last night, unknowingly. She eavesdropped on a conversation between my friend and I and overheard somethings about me that she shouldn't have. She is very hurt and upset that I do things that mom's shouldn't do. How do I help her understand that I am her mother first but I am also just a single, older woman with needs, wants and desires of my own. I wish she would be a little more open and understanding but I failed her in that respect. I don't know how or why she is so uptight. None of my other kids are like that. I am not sure how to help her right now and it is killing me. I invited her out sailing with me on Sunday, He is taking his daughter also and it would be good fun for us. But she hates him and me now, so I am not sure what to do about it.

come sail away

2005-09-05T20:50:00.000-07:00

I went to the beach the other day - just wandering around, trying to clear my head and heal my wounded heart, looking for a sign i.e. "houseboat for rent $500" or something similarly ridiculous, to no avial.

So I picked up the paper and sat down at a picnic table and stared at the small wooden sailboat in front of me. The boat I was looking at had recently returned from a solo trip to Nova Scotia by an 83 year old man sailing alone, according to the article in the paper I was reading - to my surprise he appeared suddenly on the boat. I couldn't find my sketch book so I grabbed some flyers and started sketching away furiously on the blank backs. As I was letting the pencil guide me a woman sat down next to me and started attempting to yell over to the boat owner " Bob.....How much longer???...... he didn't hear her and she huffed and sighed a little and then made some comment about how she wonders if he loves the boat more than her. We started talking and she is Mary Ellen... Wife of Bob. The wife that stayed behind while Bob sailed halfway around the world all by himself. 9 months he was gone, 9 months she waited for him at home, taking care of the bills, finances and all that other stuff that gets left behind while someone vetures off to follow their dream.

Of all the things she could have told me about the hardships of his journey ....... She only had to say that she missed him. There were weeks at a time when he couldn't call her and she missed waking up next to him in the morning. She has loved her husband for the last 56 years and she was so happy and proud that he was able to follow his life long dream. He had a second love in his life - that of the boat - his mistress as she called it. But she says she always knew that he would come home to her and that it was her love and support that gave him the confidence to follow his dreams. She knew her place in his life and was happy to occupy it.

Bob and Mary Ellen had 8 children and though I don't know much about them I would assume that they too have had all the love and support to follow their dreams. Mary Ellen finds herself in supporting her family to become all that they can be and she shares in their successes. Tears welled up in my eyes as he came ashore and told her that he was ready to go now. She introduced me to her husband and said..."This girl has a dream too..... She wants to sail away someday to the far reaches of the earth and explore the world."

Bob Smiled at me and said "You can do it! Learn as much as you can from someone willing to teach you. Absorb all the information you can and then just DO IT!" They kissed and smiled and wished me well on my journey and walked away into the sunset.

This had to be one of the most memorable conversations in my lifetime and will and has already spawned a few sketches, drawings, paintings, a search and many many questions.

What if I would have had the support, love and encouragement of two parents like that? What kind of person would I be? What if my marriage would have been strong like that? Will I ever find a love like that? Am I doomed to failed relationships for the rest of my life? Can I really follow my dreams? Will anyone ever love me for the rest of my life, through good times and bad, through injuries and illnesses, through happiness and success as well as failled attempts? Does love like that exist?

The next day I woke up cranky and in a bad mood, I layed in bed for a while and cried that I was alone in this huge bed with noone to hold me and tell me it was all going to be OK. I went to school and muddled through the day, when it came time to take the kids to work I thought I would go back to the beach insearch of that sign, up and down streets I drove, again to no avail. The sunset was amazing and I sat at the pier parking lot until it dissappeared into the horizon. I decided to go back to the harbor and stare at Bob & Mary Ellens boat for a while.

I still had 4 more hours till I had to pick up the kids and I was hungry and my head was filled with many more thoughts, questions, hurts, dissappoinments, and desires. So I walked along the harbor and saw a sign for Bacon Cheesburger with Fries for $4.50 - a bit much for my small pittance but I figured it would be better than a double cheese from McDonalds and it would be nice to sit down and eat at that harbor. The place turned out to be a cantina (BAR) but I stayed anyway and ordered my burger and Diet Coke. Out of nowwhere there appeared a man next to me sitting at the bar having a beer watching the football game, he was talking to another guy to his right down the bar about his boat and his journey that would begin in October of 2007. My ears must have stood up on end, like Penny's do when she hears a coyote. I eavesdropped while eating my burger, what a bad girl I am. I don't recall how him and I started talking but we did, just chit chat small talk stuff about how I have always planned on "taking off" in November of 2007 when I turn 40 and my youngest daughter turns 18. How I want to go meet the peoples of the world and not have a cell phone or an address or any responsibilities other than my daily needs.

I finished my burger and went outside to have a smoke before I paid my bill and began to leave but something told me to go back in, So I went back in and told him goodbye, "it was nice talking with you and Good luck on your Journey. He asked where I was going and I just blurted out "I need to walk off my burger" hehehehe what a goofy girl I am. He said "can I join you?" and I said "Sure" - as the butterflies in my tummy started fluttering about and I felt a little dizzy.

We walked along the beach and he asked if I wanted to go look at his boat from across the harbor so we walked over to the docks and he said "do you see it? it's right there". My night vision is horrible and even though it was clear outside I had a hardtime making out the outlines. I saw something that looked like a kayak and I was thinking "wow, that's a little small to sail around the world" but i didn't say it. He could tell I was stuggling to make it out and he pointed to the mast. I looked at it and started looking up towards the top of it - It was a long look because the mast is freaking HUGE!, I was still trying to figure out what I was looking at and then it started to come together, - those weren't 3 kayaks next to eachother at the end of the dock, that was ALL one Boat. My stomach started jumping in chaos as I began to put the pieces together. This was the largest sail boat I had ever seen. (i feel as if I am rocking on the water right now thinking about it)

It IS the largest privately owned boat in the harbor and it's owner was putting his arms around me to warm me as the fog started rolling in. I couldn't speak....... words were just flying around in my head but thoughts couldn't be formed much less words. He grabbed my hand and said Let's go Aboard!

I only had about 45 minutes untill I had to leave to pick up the kids but I decided we could make it if I picked up my car and drove over there, he said he would meet me at the end of the dock. I started to seriously wonder if there was alcohol in my diet coke, I felt tipsy, giddy, overwhelmed. When I got to the dock we walked down to his boat and it was even bigger than I had imagined. The deck goes on forever, he gave me the grand tour of the 6 staterooms and the main "Salon", I checked out the galley and decided it was big enough for me to cook a turkey in there. Why is it that I always think of those things when I see a kitchen? What would it be like to cook thanksgiving dinner in here?

We went back up on the deck and I told him I had to go, he didn't want me too, I didn't want too. Why can't the kids drive themselves? He grabbed me like out of a 50's movie and kissed me with a passion I hadn't felt in a very long time. I felt his kiss in my toes and everywhere inbetween. My heart was beating so fast I was getting dizzy again. This couldn't be happening to me could it? I had to go, I couldn't leave the kids waiting for me as this man swept me off my feet and carried me away into the horizon like the sun just a few hours earlier. I really didn't want to go but I did and I couldn't contain myself, I just burst into tears as I drove away.

Oh shit! Here I go again, getting carried away by some man, yet again. But this was different, we have a common dream, we both have kids, teenage kids, and we are both very wounded right now. We are older, more mature, more experienced, at what I am not quite sure. Could this really be different? Am I going to fuck it up? Am I going to scare him away with my wounded heart? Am I going to rush into fast? Is my dismal financial status going to put him off? How do I make this work? How do I make this happen? Do I MAKE it happen or just sit back and see what develops? holy crap, how do I do this? What should I do now?

We met again on Thursday while the kids were working again. We layed in the nets and watched the sunset and talked and talked till it was time to go. He invited me out on Sunday for a ride on the Sailboat, he was having a party to celebrate the new Spinnaker for the boat and I was invited.........

what color is a broken heart

2005-08-22T18:29:00.000-07:00

everything seems so dulled right now - how could I have let my heart open this wide only to be slammed shut yet again. This feels like an endless ride that hurts. It starts out so wonderful and open and honest and ends so empty and cold and truthfull

the sad thing is that I am happy for him, I know that he is going to have a wonderful, happy, successfull life, with little kids and a wife and his world will be all that it was meant to be.

I know I will happy again too, I have my school, my dogs, my kids, my sister but damn this hurts down to the very depths of my soul, it physically is making me sick to my stomach, isn't there a pill for this. can't we fast forward through the pain. OUCH it hurts damn it.

So mr. Man if you are still watching me, the one with the salt and pepper hair that brightens my smiles and gives me hope that my loneliness will end someday, I am here, working out the kinks and trying to stop the bleeding from this wound.

I hope you know who you are and I hope that you call me, the number is in my file. It's not that I want to jump into someone elses arms but a warm hug sure would feel really good right now. I won't get lost, I didn't this time. I knew it was temporary and now it has ended. I am dealing with it quite well considering..... I know what I want out of life and I know how to get it and I am going about that every day. I intend to continue my education, get my degree and travel the world.

I can't mend the broken heart that I have and neither can anyone else but I can build a new one - I just don't know what color it should be?

Wow, can't believe it's been so long

2005-08-14T00:51:00.000-07:00

I didn't realize how long it had been since I did any journaling. Well where do I start? Let's talk School since that's what I am most excited about. I love going to school, I even enjoy the stress of deadlines. I started out wanting to be an art therapist - then I was turned onto Anthropology and I found that a cultural anthropologist is exactly what I always dreamed of my 2nd life as: Traveling the world, getting to know different peoples, different cultures, learning a new way of seeing things, finding out what the rest of the world believes in and how it affects their daily lives. That is what an anthropologist does. At first I was a little scared, can I really be smart enough to be a scientist like that. Could I actually follow through with it? I hope so. My College Success Counseling class made me do this lifeline report and now I read it often like a road map. I use it to make decisions about everything. I choose things that line up with my ultimate goal of getting a Phd in anthropology. The more I learn about different cultures and the history of human kind the less and less I believe in the crap of christianity and catholoscism.

So anyhow in the summer semester i took 9 units and I got an A in Anthropology, a B in my counseling class that she agreed to change to an A and forgive my four absences and I still havent gotten my Art grade yet but I feel that i earned an A in the class. So that would give me a 4.0 gpa. In the fall I am taking 16 units and I am running for Senator so that is another 3 units that will be a 19 unit semester. It will be overwhelming and consuming.

my kids are sick of me talking about how excited I am about school. I wish they weren't, I wish they could be happy for me that I am trying to better my life. I guess they see it as taking away time and money I have to spend on them, I am not sure but it seems that way. I have to get up in a few hours since we are having a party for Jessica tomorrow for her going away. She earned a 4 year scholarship to Sryacuse University, She leaves in 10 days :( I am going to miss her soooooo much but we have really allready pulled away from eachother. We don't spend much time together and when we do talk I always start crying, she does too sometimes. She has packed up most of her room to put in storage. It's sad and exciting at the same time. I know she is going to have a blast and she will do well I am sure of that. She will do whatever it takes to not be like me, if that is her motivation, so be it, it's working for her and she has accomplished so very much more than I ever have.

Fall semester starts a week from Monday - I am looking forward to it and Marcelo comes home the weekend before on the 20th - Woo Hoo, good things are happening.

Well I think I should go to bed now since I have a big day planned tomorrow.

Yet another busy day!

2005-07-07T00:13:00.000-07:00

excited, nervous, prepared, think, speak, share, unprepared, scared, silly, frustrated, irritated, dissappointed, stressed, pleased, thoughtful, happy, concerned, insightful, open, appreciative, crazy, anxious, aggrivated, tired, inspired, driven, painful, pleasing, and Pleased!

REPUBLICAN DOES NOT MEAN CHRISTIAN BY DEFAULT - DAMN IT!

2005-07-05T22:10:00.000-07:00

I have held onto my conservative republican beliefs because I thought that "they" stood for smaller government, less federal intrusion into our daily lives, freedom of religion, doing what is right not what is politically correct, valuing life from conception, protecting our borders, defending our freedom, liberating the oppressed, supporting those who want to help themselves, personal accounability, community responsibility, defending the constitution, and living life with an open mind and open heart.

However: I have recently been disgusted by my republican counterparts. I called a local conservative talkshow, hosted by an openly christian host but not a "christian" talk show. I was dissolusioned when I told him that I agreed with him that the Cross should be allowed to stay on the war memorial, I explained that I was a former christian and that I believe in the basic constitutional right of freedom of religion. Christians, Pagans, Islam, Buddists, Catholics, etc. should be allowed to proclaim their faith, have their symbols, have the right to gather, etc.

I stated that I would like to be able to have a full moon ritual in balboa park without controversy and felt that the situations were similar. but mr. dickhead christian said that I couldn't have my ritual without him being there thumping his bible. That pissed me off, I felt offended and ridiculed - EXACTLY THE THING I THOUGHT REPUBLICANS WERE AGAINST!

I don't go to his church and make fun of their ridiculous claims that God created the earth and man 5,000 years ago and even if we were "created" why would we be created to judge, tear apart and destroy eachothers beliefs. i don't go to his front door and spout my pagan beleifs. I valued his opinion even though it had a christian bias. Why isn't my Pagan opinion just as valued. you don't have to agree with me but you should respect my desire to believe differently. That is what America is about. FREEDOM,

then I heard some other talkshow host say that as republicans we should bestow the christian way of life or something stupid like that. Just because I am republican (for the moment) DOES NOT NECCISARILY DEFINE ME AS CHRISTIAN. Damn it. They are really pissing me off to the point that I might have to pull out my support of the republican party - REPUBLICAN DOES NOT MEAN CHRISTIAN AND IF IT DOES THEN I AM NO LONGER A REPUBLICAN DAMN IT!

My obituary

2005-07-05T19:36:00.000-07:00

Obituary of Kymberley K. Page

November 15, 1967 to November 15, 2082

Survived by her 3 successful children: Jessica Carsey, major fashion buyer for Macy’s World Wide, Samantha Carsey, Teacher of the Year (5 years in a row) and master chef, and Rex Page, her only son, Owner operator of the most successful video game franchise in world history. As well as several grandchildren, her sister Ali (Mom of the year), her partner Jojo (world famous base jumper/skydiver), and a few hand picked friends around the world.

Kymberley overcame severe obstacles in life including: being raised in an alcoholic, drug addicted, mentally ill family, her own drug addiction and mental illness, two abusive marriages and the struggle of being a teenage mother. She used this past to change her future. She utilized all the resources available to her to make her life, and the lives of her children, a success in spite of her past.

Kymberley lead a long and happy life of sharing and learning all through out our world and even into some others. Her art has continued to progress and has received several awards from her peers. She has contributed more to the cultural Anthropological world then anyone in the last 50 years.

She died in her sleep after skydiving on her 115th birthday.

My Life Line

2005-07-05T19:35:00.000-07:00

There have been many traumatic, and some wonderful events, in my life that I have not listed on my visual lifeline. I am choosing just to pick out the most significant for two reasons: I want to focus on the positive, and there is just simply not enough time. I have also left off, from the visual, my drug addicted years from age 13 to 26. There are several reasons for that which doesn’t really require explanation.

• 9 years old:
The death of my father was life altering, I had a very hard time accepting his death and conjured up the belief that he didn’t really die, he had just left me because I was bad. This thinking lead to a multitude of bad choices in the next 28 years of my life. I have finally come to accept that it was not by choice that he left my life, leading to the repair and restoration of that 9-year-old little girl.
• 16 years old:
I found out I was pregnant when I was 5 and 1/2 months along. There were several contributing factors to this phenomenon. Against the wishes of most everyone in my world I kept my son and have never abandoned him or my responsibility for him since. Having a child at 16 wasn’t really so bad, it was having a 5 year old at 21 that was difficult or a 15 year old at 31 that was harsh. He has grown into a wonderful man attending college for Video Game Production and working part-time to help support himself and our household.
• 18 years old
I was married to a “Rock Star”, that I had met in San Francisco while on vacation. The marriage lasted for 7 years and produced my two beautiful Daughters: Jessica and Samantha. The marriage ended when I stood up and would no longer allow the abuses to continue. We were divorced in 1993.
• 26 years old
Then I married a “jock” who I found out was a drug addict 2 weeks before our marriage yet continued with the wedding anyway thinking I would never find anyone else willing to take my three children and I. We ran from one state and one problem to another for the next 8 years. We were divorced in July 2002 when I returned home to my native southern California.
• 36 years old
I was in an accident on July 4th last year with my sister. I got 3 herniated discs, a torn meniscus in my right knee and lost my job. I have been on disability and welfare ever since. This is the first year since I was 16 that I have not worked full time in one capacity or another. This event has been life altering as well, forcing me to sit with myself and discover the woman in the mirror.
• I used my “down time” to discover every resource available to me to get my life back on track and truly build an independent, success filled life for myself. I have grown exponentially each day, as I continue on this path of self-discovery and improvement. I have never felt so “capable” and independent in my 37 years. This is truly a life-altering journey for me.

Page 1 (Cont.)
Kymberley Page

• 40 years old
The next milestone in my life is in two years when my youngest child turns 18, I turn 40, and I graduate from Palomar with an AA in either art or anthropology. I am planning on traveling the North and South American Continents in my 1967 Volkswagen camper bus or similarly small mobile home.
• I am going to transfer to UC Berkeley to continue my education and get a BA in Anthropology/Art. I will travel with the Renaissance fairs during my off time to sell my art and build my fan base.
• 42 years old
I will graduate from Berkeley in 2009 and begin my world travels. I intend to get my PhD from University of Hawaii in Cultural Anthropology.
• There are some places I intend to visit, but mostly I will just travel impulsively between my destinations. Some of my intended destinations are
o Visiting all the amusement parks in the world; I am a rollercoaster fanatic.
o I want to study the Mayan Culture and other South American peoples to discover why we know so little about their way of life and their history.
o I would like to spend some time in the desert in Sedona Arizona, as well as New Mexico, I have been drawn to these places ever since I took a train trip across the country when I was 17.
o Since I am also a fanatical Fairy Lover I would love to visit all the fairytale castles in Europe.

Currently overwhelmed

2005-07-05T19:27:00.000-07:00

I have about 4 hours of homework to do everyday and it seems a bit much since I am not in the habit of going to school and having such deadlines. I feel like I have let my friend down that I told "Oh Yeah I can make you a website in a couple days no problem" It's been a month and I haven't even started other than deciding on how to do it.

School is going well I guess otherwise. I turned in my first big report this morning. I had to do a life line presentation from beginning to end. It was quite fun planning out the rest of my life with a magic wand. I hope to accomplish some of those goals that I set for myself. They seem pretty attainable.

Sam and I have been getting along pretty good. We had a blowout Saturday but then had a very long discussion after that. She seems to be able to come back to me at a later time and be very mature about trying to solve the inital issue. I had to explain to her how fragile I am and I don't think she like that. I am sure she wants a mom that is strong and invincible. - I am working on that.

We haven't recieved any cash aid for over a month - Cal/Works dropped me from their program because I supposedly hadn't turned in paperwork - yet when I turned in that paperwork last month it initiated additional payments so obviously I turned it in and it has been processed. So I got that figured out and hopefully tomorrow we can eat again.

I have decided (so far) to do my art report on Tolussee La Trec. I need to go to the Art Museum to do my report - However I have no idea when that is going to happen.

I miss going to my groups in San Diego :( Hopefully I can find a similar center up here.

I did a painting over the weekend that I am very very happy with. Cant wait till I have time to do more.

omg I just had an epiphany

2005-06-26T00:30:00.000-07:00

I have been studying, painting and reading between naps today when I came across a statement in my cultural anthropology book where it states that Cultural Anthropological research is the summed up by saying that it is immersion into other cultures, meeting new people, living and interacting with new people and often making friends. Or something like that but It was amazing. When I have talked about my desire to travel when I turn 40 I have often stated that I wanted to really get to know new people and new places all over the world. That there wasn't a place I wouldn't want to go because every culture has something to offer and something to be learned about how they survive or thrive in thier environment. I have been saying that since Samantha was born. That I wanted to dissappear for at least 2 years and study the world. If I continue in my anthropological studies I could really live out my dream. Maybe that is what I have been trying to tell myself what my purpose was but I didn't know it. Maybe this is the plan that was always made for me to study the different cultures as a career. Instead of allowing a zillion people to live with me to fill that whole inside me. I thrive off of people and the study of thier personalities, strengths and faults and why they are who they are and what do I have to learn from them.

I really feel this inside my bones that its what I am meant to do. Wow - i know what I want in life for the first time. what feels right, I just don't know how to react to this epiphany - probably keep it to my self.

only the dragonlady knows

2005-06-12T11:42:00.000-07:00

is it possible - could you have sensed what was happening? i find it odd that you reached out to someone when I was calling out for a someone to reach inside. Could it have been me? Or am i just setting myself up for failure right now. is it even healthy to be thinking these thoughts. If it is a open hand I would gladly take it although a little cautiously but still I have wanted this for so long. Not even neccisarily you but someone like you. Some one my own age, with thier own life that I don't have to fix or save or rescue. Someone to share in the joys of the birds chirping out side my window, the beautiful colors of the wildflowers that overtaking my fence. The ocean in the dark of the night. Maturity and the gray hairs. the understanding of true and pure friendship with no strings to be pulled. Oh wouldn't it be great if you were just you and I were just me minus all the other crap that we threw in there. I am in need of a friend right now. Someone who can relate to the inward spiral and the outward spiral and the upward and downward spiral all happening at the same time. Both of our lives have changed so very much, is it possible to start from today, to clear away all the ugliness that we both created for eachother? Am I dreaming unrealistically? Am I inviting pain? well shit isn't it time to let go of all that? I think (which isn't saying much) that we have so much to offer in the friendship world just you and me, dancing in the moonlight, toasting to the sun, and finding a little solice in this crazy messed up world. But then again maybe I am wrong. I will wait for a nod.

From what I heard you think I did something to hurt you recently and i have to tell you from every bone in my body that I didn't. I could have but I cared more about the project than getting revenge. I cared more about the team than getting the win. The file still sits in my cabinet never signed, never an effort to make it come true. Oh there were thoughts but I put them aside for the greater good and putting the pettiness aside. All in hopes that you would know, I couldn't every really do anything to hurt you. But someone else did and put my name out there as a possible suspect. I may have had motive but not the means, the balls or desire to tear you down. I just wanted you to notice me in my absence. I just want you to notice me now.

2003 americana

2005-06-12T10:47:00.000-07:00

6:41 PM - Americana this is about patriotism and has nothing to do with !@$%

This is gonna be a long one. It's been brewing for a while and i just wanted to make sure it was all formulated in my head before writing it out but that isn't working.

Being a precint inspector for the elections on March 2 and then going to the citizenship ceremony on March 9th has really affected me and my position on this earth, in this community and how my presence affects those around me.

There is so much more to being an american than just being free to do whatever the hell you want too.

Date: Mar 10, 2004 04:09 PM
Subject: Americana
Body: Yesterday I went to Jojo's citizenship ceremony and i have to say i was truly in awe. There were 1,053 people from 86 countries that have fought hard and fair and legal to come to this country to have the freedoms, rights, privlidges and opportunities that you and i were born with. We did not choose to be american born but we were - we are allowed to worship any god we want or in my case no god at all - we can think and feel and dream without persecution - yet we do nothing in response - only 13% of us voted last week - that disgusts me.

We are born with certain freedoms and we are born with certain responsibilities to our community, country and neighbors. There were people there yesterday from Afganastan, Iraq and Iran - gaining their citizenship into our country that has liberated theirs.

Do you know what 80% of those new citizens did as soon as they came out the doors? They registered to VOTE!

Voting is our right and it's our responsibility to the future not just our future but our childrens - grandchildrens - triple great grandchild - centuries of history are determined at every election and it is your birth right and duty to voice your opinon.

It's ok to have an opinon here in this country and it's not only OK to voice it but encourgaged -

Please register to vote - please take an hour of your life and do some research into the issues and people that we are voting for and VOICE YOUR OPINION.

If i hear one more gen x er complain about their life, cost of living, lack of work, tyranny of the cops against skating and then say they have never voted- i will scream - how many of you that feel persecuted by the cops actually voted last week.

Do you know we were voting for a mayor of San Diego?
Do you know how each candidate feels about skating on city property?

GET MOTIVATED AND DO SOMETHING!

if you would like more information on any current US, California or San Diego issues please let me know what your question is and i will do my best to find answers for you - both democratic and republican. I my self am republican because i believe that the government has no business telling me how to live my life or raise my children. We need less government - less taxes and more personal opportunity.

things are shakin

2005-06-12T10:34:00.000-07:00

4:01 AM - things are shakin

Wow what a great couple of weeks, I rescheduled my Exam so I should be licensed just in time to go back to work. I made my first Purse, I finished 3 sketches and think I have the body thing down now - Very excited about that. I have written a little. I have made 2 more wands. I got my first "interventional radiology treatment" today ( just a little steroid injection in the spine) - Oh yeah the Doc says - well if it hurts real bad then you know we got the right spot (nerve) If you can't feel a thing well then I screwed up. Yes it hurt, brought tears to my eyes but it was short and the pain was quickly forgotten upon my return to my paper and pencils. Only problem is that Steroids make me mad, angry and a little "puffed" up. I really enjoy solitude when I feel like this. that's why I cant wait to get my own studio. I don't think I can make the gallery opening if I don't get some alone time soon. Especially since everytime I work on the digital work it gets lost. I really need my OWN computer and space where no one can distract me. I get so easily distracted in other peoples lives. I think that's why I watched Soaps so much cuz it was so easy to loose myself and my intentions for 3 hours. Too bad they still don't have that same effect on me. Now i need pencils, paper, sewing machines, clay, ovens, irons, paints and huge canvas'. I am being consumed by this desire to create. Trouble is I have about 40 unfinished projects that are all waiting for something. Wether its the fabric from england or the crystals from brazil or the armature wire that has seemed to dissapear from the earth. I need to get organized but since we are moving in such a short time that there is really no sense.

I am so looking forward to the time when I get to be there alone - ahhhh soon - soon soon.

Jessica's 18th birthday is Monday - She will be come her own woman - What is she going to do with herself? I wonder.

So anyhow - Cali is my home for at least the next 3 years then who knows where my art will lead me. Looking forward to the house warming party though!

It must have been the Crue

2005-06-12T10:32:00.000-07:00

Monday, March 21, 2005

12:12 AM - It must have been the Crue

Ok so I hear Motley Crew is going on tour a while ago and all of a sudden I want to bleach my hair platnium white and throw on my leather jacket and hang out at the rainbow then today when Jojo leaves me a lone in a house with hair dye, siccors and Aqua Net. Well the Big Hair just had to come back. I love it.! Haven't been this happy with a hair cut since I had extensions put in a LA Rocks Hair Salon in 1985. So if you see me bouncing around downtown tomorrow look for silly girl who is picking daisies, It might be me. I will be basking in the sunshine and reveling in the beauty that Jessica turned 18 Safely and is more than I could have asked for in a daughter, its the beginning of Spring, I love my hair, I love my boyfriend and he loves me more than I thought he did, My dog is healthy and chomping on bones again, I am moving to the most amazing home on 3 acres overlooking vineyards, citrus groves, and a beautiful valley, Bathing in the pride of my son enjoying his journey through life finally and being able to provide everything my youngest one needs (not every thing she wants but everything she will need to be happy and successful too). The divine has certainly touched my life lately. I have seen the goddess come alive this last week as the sun returns to rule the day. I am so looking foward to playing outdoors again with sand in my toes and seaweed in my hair.

Thank you Jessica! Happy Birthday

I rise before the sun

2005-06-12T10:28:00.000-07:00

7:04 AM - I rise before the sun

I rise before the sun to welcome her to my world each morning. her warmth and energy exicte me and charge my senses. My view is beautiful, I carry it with me where ever I go. The birds sing to me, the snake comes to greet me, the owls protect me at night and the abundance of produce around me reminds me that our mother earth provides us with all our needs and sustanence. I am home now in my beautiful plot of paradise. I feel blessed by the Goddess.

I am having a difficult time adjusting to lack of funds during this transition, on one side I feel comfortable with my poverty living off the land and look forward to having nothing better to do than to play in the creek and walk through the orchards and enjoy my surroundings on the other side I feel sorrow and sadness that i do not have the funds to provide all that my children want/need. I havent had more than $20 at any one time over the last two months and there is no end to lack of funds until July after Sams birthday. If I can just get through Prom, graduation, 18th and 16th birthdays, braces, and drives to school then I will have the summer to enjoy.

I had to put off my gallery opening until July, I just haven't had the time or funds to complete what I feel is neccessary before I present my completed works to the world. Of course there are those that say I am just making excuses but I want my opening to reflect all that I am and that is just not possible on this time/money budget. I need to take care of my kids first.

I have been wanting to journal the thoughts and feeling that I have when I lay down and watch the world unfold to me each morning and night however I have really enjoyed just being in the moment and not escaping from it into my journal.

21 years

2005-06-12T10:26:00.001-07:00

8:42 AM - 21 years

Once upon a time there was a little stoner chick (Tattel), she was in 8th grade, the captain of the cheerleading team and a true stoner at heart, she had a mom and a step dad and a pool in the backyard and lived in a pretty nice part of town. Then one day the evil sea hag decided that she didn't want that life any more and ripped the little girl from everything she knew and moved her to the yucky part of town in tiny little house and a new school (the rival school). This was not the first time that the sea hag had ripped Tattels life from her, The Sea hag had a long history of stealing Tattels world.

No one at the new school liked Tattel and since she didn't have a car she couldn't really keep in touch with the other friends besides she was embarrassed and sad because the evil sea hag had morphed again and was partying, getting drunk, hooking up with all sorts of people, doing unspeakable things and the little girl couldn't face all of her previous friends.

One day when she was walking home from school she met a really freaky looking group of boys, cute but freaky, with peacock blue Mohawk, big flock of seagulls hair, shaved heads, tri color heads, and they were all cute as hell. There was Doodle who was tall and blonde, he had a girlfriend and was always competing with Ezel but had a very special relationship with Tattel, he was very protective. And there was Razzle the cutest of them all but almost too cute, like a very pretty man but definitely MAN. And there were a couple of Joz; both became very good friends of Tattel in very different ways. One of the Joz was very feminine and he had a secret friendship with Tattel. They would discuss things that no one else could hear, Tattel loved Joz because she knew how tormented he was. The other Joz became one of Tattels favorite friends, he was a lot of fun and took Tattel on crazy rides on the motorcycle and even let Tattel drive it. He trusted Tattel with many things. They were in high school or seniors, they were cool and they were hot. The little girl started hanging out with them and getting high in the PR (party room). She fell in love with one of them, (Ezel) he was so sweet, funny, cute, and enough weird to keep her interested. This became her new world filled with all sorts of cool new people that welcomed Tattel into their world. One of the boys had a girlfriend that was really cool, she was funny too and had a very unique outlook on the world and she became the little girls best friend. They would write marathon letters to each other because Luna was older and went to high school too not the yucky junior high that Tattel went to. Luna was smart like Tattel and they would talk about life, the origins of the world, read books, and go for very long walks and talk for days on end.

Luna lived on the top of "snob hill", she had an older sister Lizella that was also one of the girlfriends of this group of really hot punks. Luna and Lizella had an older brother, Juno, was the ultimate in coolness because he had already graduated from school and was too cool for our crowd. The three of them lived in their beautiful 2-story home, with their parents. They had a yellow kitchen, a formal living room, they dressed for dinner and breakfast was on the table every morning when they woke up. It was Tattel’s fantasy to be adopted by them and live there forever. But Tattel knew that wasn't possible so she made a promise to herself that she would provide that lifestyle for her kids one day, even down to the yellow kitchen.

That summer was the greatest summer of Tattel’s life, she had a great group of friends, and Ezel's mother was kind and nurturing to Tattel, and Luna loved Tattel and would have done anything for her. Summers came and went and school came and went and Tattel tried as hard as she could to destroy everything good in her life. She hurt Ezel on several occasions, she lied to Luna to hide her jealousy, and she was lashing out at everything around her because her home life was so sad and lonely. Tattel ended up getting pregnant by an evil wizard, and she got into ugly drugs and was tearing her life apart. Ezel saw what was happening and tried to stop her. He declared his undying love for Tattel and tried everything he could to get the little girl to marry him and live happily ever after. But Tattel couldn't understand that love and she was mean to Ezel. Then she just disappeared. She didn’t ever see any of the punks again, she thought of them often. She wondered how they were doing, if they ever thought of her, why they never came after her and just let her slip away.

Tattel searched for them in the cyber world very often, she tried every name she could remember and always came up empty handed. This disturbed Tattel because these were the best group of people Tattel had ever known and Tattel had based all of her relationships off of these relationships. Tattel tried to model her life after Luna and Lizella’s life.

Finally Luna showed up in the cyber world and Tattel got in touch with her. Tattel was saddened by the stories that Luna had told her. There were so many heartbreaks, lost children, destroyed friendships, etc. Tattel couldn’t deal with that because Tattel had tried so very hard to live her life the best she could after the ugliness that she had brought to that group. This haunted Tattel for the next decade.

Tattel moved back to the southern pond about 18 years after she left. She would often drive up to the PR for the next two years but couldn’t get the nerve to knock on the door, last weekend when she was at a Pleasure Faire she couldn’t control the urge to visit them and face her past in order to move on in a more complete future. She wanted to know if Ezel's failed relationships were due to her indiscretion and abuse of their relationship and if she could do anything to fix it. She loved Ezel and wanted happiness and peace for him. She was haunted by this unsettled feeling.

So she found her motivation and got the nerve to knock………….And a new story begins!

The story is over Ezel is unreachable, Tattel spent a few days with ezel, he went back to the pleasure faire with her the following weekend and it was as if no time had passed and all was forgiven and forgotten. They played in the fields and walked and talked like old lovers would but there was a sadness. Ezel is comfortable in his addictions and has not found the power to overcome them. Tattel went to see him a couple of weeks later on his birthday. She gave him a copy of her creed.....Desertada.... he didn't get it....clouded by the addiction, she tried to reach his soul but it is scarred and seemingly unreachable. She was saddened and had to say goodbye all over again. The story has ended for now but hope remains that truth will reach him and the glory of life will return to his soul.

I miss you ed and hope that you are able to break through those walls and come out of your cave and experience the world again.

I am a new College Student!

2005-06-08T22:45:00.000-07:00

I completed my educational plan today and formally finished my registration. I am taking a full class load to get my AA in Psychology with transfer for Fine Arts. I think I want a double major in Psych and Arts. I really want to be a professional artist but I am not sure if I have the talent. I guess I will find out soon enough though.

I love doing my artwork, it is sooo relaxing for me, I am able to really focus on one thing. Which is hard for me in any other situation.

So I am going to go to college, this conservative, open minded, rush limbaugh listening, ex christian, pagan is diving into the Liberal world. Will my therories and thoughts be changed? Will I be a good student? Will I be able to stick it out? How am I gonna do with SO Many People that are not like me. It's not like ACC where I feel at home. Do I tell my counseler that I have mental issues. In fact shouldn't all these people be talking to eachother. Shouldn't my Orthopedic Dr., My MD, my Psychiatrist, School Counseler, Disability worker, Therapist and Case Worker all know whats going on? What do I do just say Hey, I found out that I am nuts, Do you need to know that?

It's kind of interesting to learn about the diseases of the mind and getting some relief from my past mistakes. I kept doing the same stupid things because of an ILLNESS not a character flaw. I am NOT a bad person, I am a disabled person with some physical, psycholigical and emotional challenges. Do I need to wear a label? Am I really coping out on society and taking the easy road? Cassandra (my roommate) has told my children that I am faking this so I don't have to do anything for the rest of my life. Could that possibly be true? Is it a character flaw? Am I just a really clever criminal? How do I know what is reality and what is a delusion? Is the movie camera that I feel behind me real? Am I gonna show up on Fox News? Oh wow, that is a crazy memory blast. I remember laying on my bed when I was supposed to be asleep and I would look in the walls and ceiling for the movie camera. hmm I will have to sit on that one.

What I learned today

2005-06-02T21:57:00.000-07:00

I have decided to document my learnings through this crisis in my life I am gonna create a seperate blog for it. http://whatilearnedingroup.blogspot.com/

removed from myspace

2005-05-31T09:06:00.000-07:00

This has been a difficult year for me - I went from making 65K to 25K in just a few short days when I got hurt last year. If it werent for the fact that my kids hate me and call me crazy and psycho and according to thier blogs I am the worst mother in the world, This year has been the best thing that ever happened to me. I have been able to deal with life long issues now that I have the time to face my reality. I am changing who i am, I thiink for the better, yet the girls seem to think that i have turned into an ugly monster. I used to get so hurt by their snide little comments and the mean things that they say to me. Now I just take a pill and it all goes away.

I really think that I need to get professional help for the youngest one or i will end up instuntionalized very soon. I have never met anyone as mean and vicious as her. not even aw can hold a stick to this girl, She is just down right cruel, mean, nasty, hurtful, self centered, and hateful. It's hard because I created her yet she hates me sooo much. and the otherone. I mean how ungrateful can a girl be? She has no appreciation for the sacrifices that people make for her, she expects it from everyone and feels that the world owes her because she is graduating and isn't pregnant. I really thought things would be different when she got her car. but I was wrong, I thought she would be more appreciative when School was all paid for, but I was wrong.

i fight off the urge to runaway every single day of my life. It is so hard to stay here and put up with their shit day in and day out. They have no idea how hard life really is. I feel that I have failed them in that area. I have given too much of myself and now they not only expect it but demand it from me.

I am getting over the fact that they don't like me and I have stopped parenting with the hopes that they will like me because frankly I don't give a damn anymore. I always used to yell and say "I am done" but I didn't mean it even though I wanted to mean it. Now its just the facts. I feel I have done my best and now it's in my best interest to not let them hurt me anymore. So my kids don't like me - oh damn should I kill myself over it - NO I have given them the last 20 years of my life and the next twenty are for me. It is going to be all about me from now on. I can buy cars, give them money that I don't have, take them places when I don't have the gas, get a gorgeous home and a good school district and they still hate so you know what - Fuck um Yeah that's right Fuck em! They are old enough to figure shit out on thier own. I have so much pain and hurt built up right now I just want to go in their rooms and tear everything off the walls and tell them to get the fuck out of my life but I can't, I have to be a better mom regardless of how they treat me.

admitting all of this and dealing with the past issues has really taken a toll on me mentally and physically. I really do want to run away and honestly i think it's coming sooner than anyone expects.

new artwork

2005-05-09T07:50:00.000-07:00

who I want in my life

2005-04-17T09:33:00.000-07:00

The Invitation

Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being a human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore be trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
everyday.
And if you can source your own life
from it's presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes"!

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone

and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

http://www.pacificnet.net/~spectre/pagan.html

its that time of the year again

2005-04-17T08:36:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time there was a little girl who loved her daddy very much but she didn't get to see him very often because of the big bad evil sea hag that kept the little girl hidden from her father. One day, a very sad day, the little girl came running home from school cuz the evil sea hag was going away and allowed her father to come get her and take her away from her beautiful beach home to the magical land of lakes, mountains, forests and desert.

She ran so fast carrying her big cello....She didn't mind if it went out of tune because she knew that when she played for her father the voices of angels were heard.

When she got home there was no one home and then the evil sea hag arrived in a tattered mess. Unusual for this sea hag, she was never a mess, she was the epitomy of beauty, ok superficial beauty the little girl found out, but beauty never the less. The little girl asked the mean sea hag when her father would be there to pick her up and the sea hag replied "little girl, you can't go see your father any more, he has left this world for another and he wont be back".

The little girl didn't understand....she couldn't grasp why the sea hag would do this to her little girl....why would she keep her away from her father forever....why did the seahag have to be so mean.................

It's scary that almost 30 years later that little girl is still waiting for her father to come pick her up....she drives by the lake often and wonders what would have been, what could have been, if only he hadn't slammed into that damn pole and cut his head off. Why, why, why ..... almost 30 years and still not one answer.... just questions, emptiness, doubt and confusion.

Why would a father get into a car with a drunk driver, why would a sea hag keep her daughter away from such a wonder man, why won't the little girl understand that he is not coming back.

daddy, i miss you so very much, i am overcome with grief. I waited for you in the tree in the next door neighbors yard for 2 days, hoping that the sea hag would just go away and that you would come and rescue me...how could you leave me in that place...how could you stay away...do you see me now?.... do you like what you see....if i do better will you come back.....

you know i see you often in my dreams, you have a new family, with good kids, no evil sea hag, and a great life but you don't want me, you always turn me a way and tell me that if i would have been better that you wouldn't have left.

I see you out of the corner of my eye sometimes...I see that father, loving his daughter, walking along the shore, telling fairy tales that never seem to end, but this one ended, didn't it.....

Daddy i miss you.

rest in peace
Ronald Kieth Page
Died May 6th, 1976
killed by a drunk driver - his best friend
he was only 31 years old, his daughter was 9, and is still waiting for him to return

20 years

2005-04-17T08:35:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time there was a little stoner chick (Tattel), she was in 8th grade, the captain of the cheerleading team and a true stoner at heart, she had a mom and a step dad and a pool in the backyard and lived in a pretty nice part of town. Then one day the evil sea hag decided that she didn't want that life any more and ripped the little girl from everything she knew and moved her to the yucky part of town in tiny little house and a new school (the rival school). This was not the first time that the sea hag had ripped Tattels life from her, The Sea hag had a long history of stealing Tattels world.

No one at the new school liked Tattel and since she didn't have a car she couldn't really keep in touch with the other friends besides she was embarrassed and sad because the evil sea hag had morphed again and was partying, getting drunk, hooking up with all sorts of people, doing unspeakable things and the little girl couldn't face all of her previous friends.

One day when she was walking home from school she met a really freaky looking group of boys, cute but freaky, with peacock blue Mohawk, big flock of seagulls hair, shaved heads, tri color heads, and they were all cute as hell. There was Doodle who was tall and blonde, he had a girlfriend and was always competing with Ezel but had a very special relationship with Tattel, he was very protective. And there was Razzle the cutest of them all but almost too cute, like a very pretty man but definitely MAN. And there were a couple of Joz; both became very good friends of Tattel in very different ways. One of the Joz was very feminine and he had a secret friendship with Tattel. They would discuss things that no one else could hear, Tattel loved Joz because she knew how tormented he was. The other Joz became one of Tattels favorite friends, he was a lot of fun and took Tattel on crazy rides on the motorcycle and even let Tattel drive it. He trusted Tattel with many things. They were in high school or seniors, they were cool and they were hot. The little girl started hanging out with them and getting high in the PR (party room). She fell in love with one of them, (Ezel) he was so sweet, funny, cute, and enough weird to keep her interested. This became her new world filled with all sorts of cool new people that welcomed Tattel into their world. One of the boys had a girlfriend that was really cool, she was funny too and had a very unique outlook on the world and she became the little girls best friend. They would write marathon letters to each other because Luna was older and went to high school too not the yucky junior high that Tattel went to. Luna was smart like Tattel and they would talk about life, the origins of the world, read books, and go for very long walks and talk for days on end.

Luna lived on the top of "snob hill", she had an older sister Lizella that was also one of the girlfriends of this group of really hot punks. Luna and Lizella had an older brother, Juno, was the ultimate in coolness because he had already graduated from school and was too cool for our crowd. The three of them lived in their beautiful 2-story home, with their parents. They had a yellow kitchen, a formal living room, they dressed for dinner and breakfast was on the table every morning when they woke up. It was Tattel’s fantasy to be adopted by them and live there forever. But Tattel knew that wasn't possible so she made a promise to herself that she would provide that lifestyle for her kids one day, even down to the yellow kitchen.

That summer was the greatest summer of Tattel’s life, she had a great group of friends, and Ezel's mother was kind and nurturing to Tattel, and Luna loved Tattel and would have done anything for her. Summers came and went and school came and went and Tattel tried as hard as she could to destroy everything good in her life. She hurt Ezel on several occasions, she lied to Luna to hide her jealousy, and she was lashing out at everything around her because her home life was so sad and lonely. Tattel ended up getting pregnant by an evil wizard, and she got into ugly drugs and was tearing her life apart. Ezel saw what was happening and tried to stop her. He declared his undying love for Tattel and tried everything he could to get the little girl to marry him and live happily ever after. But Tattel couldn't understand that love and she was mean to Ezel. Then she just disappeared. She didn’t ever see any of the punks again, she thought of them often. She wondered how they were doing, if they ever thought of her, why they never came after her and just let her slip away.

Tattel searched for them in the cyber world very often, she tried every name she could remember and always came up empty handed. This disturbed Tattel because these were the best group of people Tattel had ever known and Tattel had based all of her relationships off of these relationships. Tattel tried to model her life after Luna and Lizella’s life.

Finally Luna showed up in the cyber world and Tattel got in touch with her. Tattel was saddened by the stories that Luna had told her. There were so many heartbreaks, lost children, destroyed friendships, etc. Tattel couldn’t deal with that because Tattel had tried so very hard to live her life the best she could after the ugliness that she had brought to that group. This haunted Tattel for the next decade.

Tattel moved back to the southern pond about 18 years after she left. She would often drive up to the PR for the next two years but couldn’t get the nerve to knock on the door, last weekend when she was at a Pleasure Faire she couldn’t control the urge to visit them and face her past in order to move on in a more complete future. She wanted to know if Ezel's failed relationships were due to her indiscretion and abuse of their relationship and if she could do anything to fix it. She loved Ezel and wanted happiness and peace for him. She was haunted by this unsettled feeling.

So she found her motivation and got the nerve to knock………….And a new story begins!

give me dirt roads and wooden gates anyday

2005-04-17T08:05:00.000-07:00

Give me a dirt road any day!

7:29 AM - give me a wooden gate anyday
Current mood: awake

Why would "god" create such beauty and then seek to destroy it in it's "armageddon" That just does not sit well with me. I don't like the feeling of seperation that was created by my christian leaders that this world is just temporary. This world is ALIVE, Gaia, earth spirit, mother nature is real and here and now. i can see the individual trees at the top of Palomar Mountain from my kitchen window. That mountain is the result of a live and energy filled world. How dare "they" teach that this is not our real home and that its just a resting place until the "lord" comes and takes us to the pearly gates. Fuck the pearly gates, give me a wooden gate any day and a dirt road and a home made with a connection to the world surrounding it. a gorgeous view framed by every window in the house, the positioning of the house to coordinate with the path of the sun, I don't want to send up lumber to a place far away, I want to build my life here and now. I don't want to focus on the "hereafter" I want to enjoy and bask in the NOW, not what happend 2,000 years ago and who did what for sinful ways. I want to be thankful for today. I don't want to fullfill some distant gods will for my life - I want to experience my own will, my own purpose, me! How dare they teach us that we are born "sinners" and evil and that we have to fight our ownselves to overcome what their god created. Why would he create such an evil group of people and such misery and heartache, what kind of god is that. what a load of crap that teaching was.

I wish I would have spent more time with my kids showing them the glory and beauty of their lives today in the world we gave been so freely given. I wish I wouldnt have pounded this crap into their heads, I wish I would have taught them more about this world and less about that fantasy of heaven. I wish I would have taught them to accept themselves as they are and to enjoy the beauty of their bodies and their thoughts and energies instead of stifling them and placing fear and inhibitions in them. I want them to experience the here and now. To seek out truth and not to fear curiosity and exploration of themselves.

I had a dream the other day about one of my ex pastors/teachers, I got the chance to tell him what I thought of his teachings and how they stifled real growth. I guess i was yelling at him and woke jojo up. I felt so good when I woke up, I remember everything word I said, what a release.....

I don't hate christians, if it works for them then I am happy for them, I dont hate churches - I think they fill a need for people who are unwilling to face who they really are and accomplish a lot of good in the community. I do dislike, however, that they force feed their crap on others, I wish that alternative groups would organize well enough to provide to the indigent, weak and needy. To encourage personal responsibility for their world and their actions. Maybe some day I will start my own "chruch" now that I have been a certified teacher of religous studies for over a year now.

I am hoping to learn from the natives that live on the other side of the river to expand my knowledge of the world that I live in NOW. Well that is enought rambling for today.

Currently reading:
The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
By Don Miguel Ruiz
Release date: By 01 November, 1997

sunflower

2005-03-11T22:53:00.000-08:00

I close my eyes to see you; i see a sunflower reaching for the source of it's energy, defying gravity and urging its way to her, so i can show you my face completely, feed me with your ight, drench me in your morning dew, love me with your warmth and engergixe my soul. I don't' feel as if I can be so open any more I feel as if I am being watched now and I can't speak my mind, I feel choked like the oxygen is slowly leaving the room and I will just fade away back into the earth.

I just got a shot of energy my eyes are open and I see love I see us walking on the beach at sunset I see us sitting on our patio overlooking the vineyard watching the sun rise. I see you walking with me in orange groves under the stars basking in the glow of the full moon. I see us playing with our penny lane in the fields watching her chase dragonflies as we roll in the grass down the hill like kids.

I see us sitting on the edge of the plane together holding hands with our feet dangling out the door 13,000 feet above ground as we lean forward and dive in the deep blue sky. Nothing but our love to hold us together as we dance amoung the clouds and then deploy into the great big swing as skipping over the trees and the lake and land safely back on Mother Earth. As much as I love to leave the ground I truly enjoy my return home, where I belong, on the ground with sand between my toes and seaweed in my hair.

This new venture will change our lives completely in so many more ways that we can imagine at this time. I never thought I would find a place that I would consider dying in. I always saw myself on the go traveling to unkown worlds until my dying days, never getting too attached to anyone place ever again. But I can see my dreams realized in this new place. I see my own world taking my attention. Maybe I will become a better mother, girlfriend See I don't feel comfortable writing like this anymore because I am afraid of certain people reading it. WTF when did this happen, this isn't me. Is it the strange stalker that zapped my confidence or recent situations that have made me guarded. I hope I am not building new walls, I had such a hard time tearing them down.

I guess if someone is reading this - you probably don't care about my feelings anyway - you are probably more interested in the more superficial things in life. Well lets see, the new antibiotics and anti inflammatories knock my ass out, even though it's only for a couple hours at a time the other couple hours I am awake I can't seem to come out of the fog. oh yeah no feelings just facts. I woke up at 5 am spent 2.5 hours working on the computer on a 3 sample template and my latest sketch. Took the kids to school, dropped off the part for the other car so the it could be fixed, came back home worked a couple more hours on the computer, and slept about 2 hours, got back on the computer, etc etc alll day, I had 4 glasses of chocolate milk and one bowl of cocoa puffs. I walked to Taco Bell in the evening and had a mexican pizza and read the news paper, I walked to the store twice to get a soda.

I finished two entire sites in less than 3 full days, I have created about 35 new images this week and onve very large art piece. I am happy with my success for the week. I want the energy I had yesterday, where does it go when it goes so quickly like that.

My eyes are closing again - and I welcome it so I can see you again. come to me

Searching for missing brother Jeff Dean Frazier

2005-03-01T10:31:00.000-08:00

11:14 AM - Missing brother Jeffry Dean Frazier and Julie Frazier of OC

Ok, I just confirmed last known address was in Palm Springs May 2004, 44 yrs old - he is a cancer with a cancer tattoo (prolly more now) has a daughter Julie Frazier (last known addy in Orange County) She is 20 they both have blonde hair blue eyes. He was married to Wendy Walton - but she is now Ursula Brugess I think, last known place for her was Buena Park. They have a son too but I can't remember how old he is or his name, I never got to meet him. Jeff is usually in construction or Firefighting - I know he's into 420 and other recreational stuff (hopefully not controlled substances anymore)

This pic was taken in the 80's If you look close there is a pic of Wendy (ursula) in the background with Julie when she was born. so it must be summer of 1984 Julies Birthday is March 16th.

Please please please contact me if you have ANY info -

Places known to be in the past,

Riverside, Moreno Valley, Desert Hot Springs, Orange County,

He has no idea I am back in Cali and I really really want to find him - i love him and miss him more than words can tell. i would love to see Julie too - I am sure she has questions about her family.

Kymberley Page
619-804-9232
info@thefairypond.com

for my girls - should they ever take the time .....

2005-02-19T10:33:00.000-08:00

Saturday, February 19, 2005

11:07 PM - for my girls - should they ever take the time .....
Current mood: melancholy

the following is a ritual that I have adapted for my girls. They hate me right now, I put some very ugly negative shit on them yesterday. My delivery is horrible and painful. We don't communicate very well right now and I am empty without them. It's too quiet when they aren't yelling at me or eachother. I hope that they won't turn this off just because I said Ritual. How 'bout if I call it a prayer - what ever you call it - it can work if you believe for what you believe determines your experiences. if they believe that I am crazy and a horrible mother then that is all they will experience from me because they need to justify thier beliefs. If I believe that they hate me then that is what I experience, I experience thier dislike which justifies the belief that they hate me.

So I have choosen to alter my reality, to believe that they love me and themselves and that we can grow up together happily ever after.

KNOW what it is that you desire...
Spend time think about your desire...
Become intimate with that part of you that desires it...
That part of you that knows you can have it...
Deep within you lies a Knowing...
A Knowing that it is your Destiny to have your hearts desire...

Go deep...Know thyself...And without judgment...
To thine own self be true....

BECOME aware as well, of that part of you
that does not want it....
The Martyr...The Victim....The Long Suffering Struggler...
Know that if that ugly part of you did not exist,
you would probably already have your hearts desire...
Know the possible "payoffs" that result
in your not having your hearts desire.
The "opportunity" to hold on to that anger,
just a little bit longer...
The "opportunity" to blame...
Remember that in order to blame another
for ruining your life...
You must first have a ruined life.
Remember as well that when you place blame on another....
You are in effect,
placing your own power within the hands of another.
Know and understand that the need to blame
comes from a place of Powerlessness...
Giving up blame is not about acceptance...
Giving up blame is about Reclaiming Your Own Power....
Your Power To Choose!

Go deep...Know thyself...And without judgment...
To thine own self be true....

DO NOT dwell in the House of Judgment!
Your purpose is not to pass judgment of right or wrong,
But rather simply and without judgment,
to acknowledge and own what lies within.
Know and understand that your emotions,
your feelings...are yours...
You Do have a right to them...Whatever they may be!
Emotions only become "negative" when they are repressed...ignored...denied...

Know furthermore, that although you Do deserve,
Success does not "run" on deservability, but rather on Choice.
See what choices you have already been making....
Own those choices...acknowledge them...
know that they are yours....
Know that the Power To Choose lies at
the very core of your Being.

Go deep...Know thyself...And without judgment...
To thine own self be true....

NOW... from this Place of Power....
Knowing and understanding that the
Choices really are yours to make....
have in fact been yours all along...
Make the Choice to have your hearts desire!

Declaring your desire with Confidence, Dignity
and Clear and Precise Intent...
Release it...Let it go...release it to the Universe...
to the Hand of The Goddess Herself...

Go deep...Know thyself...And without judgment...
To thine own self be true....

Knowing that with every desire comes
the means to make it happen,
begin watching for the signs that tell you...
YES...It is beginning....and watch it grow!
Allow yourself to have it!

As you will it....Blessed it Be!

Most of this is taken from Sharon at the legacy of the cauldron and from harry Palmers Avatar course.

I desire a happy, loving, kind and gentle relationship with my girls. I desire to be a good mother, a good daughter and a good sister. I desire their love, affection and appreciation. So may it Be!

I love you girls and this silence is tearing me apart. If I hadn't made it happen, if you were just being nice and giving me some space I would probably love it but being avoided and having the house so quiet is unnerving and i miss the chaos that fills our lives.

Currently listening:
The Celtic Circle: Legendary Music from a Mystic World
By Various Artists
Release date: By 07 October, 2003

2005-02-18T22:35:00.000-08:00

Tattel.....the tattered fairie

well that day went all to shit - Jess and I had the worst fight ever in the history of mother daughter fights, I told her to leave, i wanted her to hurt like she hurt me and now i hurt more. She left and I don't know where she is, how she is or who she is. I miss her so badly I want to go find her and drag her ass back home but everyone is telling me that i cant do that, that i need to let her have her space and she will come home of her own choice but the waiting is killing me. and it's hurting sam which hurts me even more. I don't want my girls to hurt because of me, I don't want them to hurt ever, I want them to be commpassionate, kind, considerate, happy, peaceful, enlightened. I want them to not hate me and not call me a freak and make fun of me all the time.

Then I go to the damn doctor and he tells me great news - Surgery is not the answer Woo Hoo - but Time is the answer, time and rest and not using my back, not lifting anything, I hate this, hate it hate it hate it. I want my life back. i want to be out of pain, I want my girls to be happy and I don't want to be alone.

ARRRGGHHH! I can't believe i am commenting on my own journal - damn that's pretty sad. I need to go jump out of a plane, i need my mommy, I don't have any tears left and my head hurts and now my back hurts just when I was getting artistic. Oh well I guess I should just go read and keep sending protection energy to jess and hope that she will come home soon on her own. Should I go to the airport to stop her............

Haven't had much to say lately

2005-02-18T10:34:00.000-08:00

Haven't had much to say lately
Current mood: artistic

I finally go to the dr this after noon for my back surgery - I got hurt in July 2004 and NOW i get to go to the dr. couldn't be better timing i guess since i have been down all week with the heating pad glued to my back. This is getting very annoying - I want my life back DAMNIT! I keep having weird dreams about people that are no longer in my life - I have tried to make amends but no luck so far. I really can't wait to leave now cuz this limbo shit is getting real annoying - July July July - why oh why do I have to wait for July

i bought paper and pencils and actually started practicing Marks Lessons on Art - Thank you Mark for being my personal instructor but I guess when you move to ESCO that will stop :(

It's nice having Cassandra live with us again - i missed her - I hope she will agree to try vegas with us, I figure Brian could come too and we could all live happily ever after in the middle of the desert.

Penny is still sick - it's really wearing all of us down. She hasn't had a fever for a long time but still wont eat or drink on her own. Must give food every 2 hours, water every hour, meds every eight hours. It's exhausting :( She is miserable too - but every time we think of putting her out of her misery she will go play upstairs and dig tunnels and chew a bone and give u smiles.

I am soooo sick of being in Pain - damn it -

The pool is still too cold to swim in - the solar heater doesn't work well with the sun doesn't shine. I thought San Diego was supposed to be Sunny! and according to the sign down the street Lemon Grove has the "best climate on earth" Hah! Well then where the hell is the SUN!

hmmm what else - oh yeah my doll making has been going well except I cant seem to make a female - all my fairies are wizards that look very much like Jojo - kind of odd don't ya think!

I got 30 new colors the other day so I might venture into something different that fairies.

My weekly bookstudy is coming along as well - We are studing Bucklands Big Blue book of Witchcraft. It's been interesting. - However next wednesday is Full Moon Ritual and then the wednesday after is a visit to Vegas to pick out our new house. So no meetings till the 8th or 9th but that gives me time to build my altar I guess. Damn my girls are gonna freak out if they see an altar in the house - I will have to disguise it. I know they don't read my blog so I don't have to worry about them reading this.

Speaking of my girls - it's been real hard lately, I have tried not being their friend or being overly nice to them to show them that they can't treat me (or people in general) so shitty and then expect every thing to be hunky dory the next day. But I love them so much it's hard to stay mad at them. I just wish they would see how rude and disrespectful they are.

Oh well enough complaining - I am off to make a new art piece. I told my self I don't have to clean anything till 10 am so I can play for a couple hours.

Currently reading:
Buckland's Complete Book of Witchcraft (Llewellyn's Practical Magick)
By Raymond Buckland
Release date: By 01 December, 1986

Tibetan Numerology.....Should I change my name?

2005-02-06T22:03:00.000-08:00

I hosted a workshop today with a yahoo group called SDOpenMoonRitual it was a Chalice Circle workshop on Tibetan Numerology. It was great to have so many good energy people over. The most witches I have ever seen and the age range and the variety of people was so enchanting.

It was just a workshop, no spiritual awakenings happened, the earth didn't shake, I didn't get the chills, I didn't cry, I wasn't trying to impress anyone with how the spirit was moving me, I wasn't upset because I still couldn't speak in tounges, I wasn't jealous of others "sprituality", I wasn't worried about what I looked like and who was talking about me.
I was just me, learning about a new way of looking at things.
What I got out of today is that the hindu people have a similar theory of "the collective, or Gaya, or Earth Spirit"
which makes me more motivated to do reasearch and discover the differences of each religion, the similarities of each, and then I will be able to decide what works for me and what doesn't.
I don't want to blindly bounce around through life anymore, accepting things as they appear, I want to have an educated life, filled with experiences, and a foundation of truth. Do you need to know all the lies to know the truth? hmmmm that's another story i think.
Anyhow back to the topic, hmm what was the topic, (let me scroll back up the screen.....oh yeah - tibetan numerology)
Ok, so according to the class teacher the tibetans also believe that vibration is the point, the center, if you will, of creation, all engeries have a vibration, when you speak your name you are sending out a certain wave of vibrations, each of the sounds has a numerical value and that compiliation of numbers paints a picture of who you are. It is your calling card, your image (not just physical appearance but who you are completely). Just like TV stations send out waves of vibrations to your TV set in your living room and the TV turns those vibrations into a picture that you can see.

So you may want to rethink what you call yourself or at least compare what your putting out there to what you would like to put out there. So we did our names, our first names, last names, nicknames, spouses, etc.

My name was hard to do, should I go by the name that my mom says she gave me or what is printed on the birth certificate (long story but it's a spelling issue), So I decide to do both because I changed my name when I was 13 to what was on my birth certificate not what my mom had been calling me for the last 7 years. Wow! When I use the name that is on my birth certificate I am blocked from prosperity and success and stuck in a perpetual state of change, according to the charts that Richard had provided us with. And if I go by the name that I was before I decided to change it I am sending the vibrations of a much different person, more of the person that I want to be and not blocked from anything. I am giving off an open and receptive energy. A powerful energy. I wrote this charge for myself

I am Kim with a personal powerful force that is Innovative, pioneering, trailblazing, logical, stable, and united. This takes me through times when I am challenged by feeling alone, lost, chaotic and crazy. And with this powerful force I attract wisdom, leadership, creativity, strength and divine spirituality.

So what do I do now? Do I change my name, go to tibet and find a monk and ask him? Am I ok with these types of meetings? Is it real for me if I don't "Feel" it? Can i have blind faith again, do i want it? Should I stay here and build a foundation and a home and life or take off on the next adventure - sticking to the perpetual change - Even though my sacred path cards keep insisting that I "DO" something, that I act in some way, I am beginning to wonder if the action I am supposed to take is to STOP. Stop changing my zip code and start changing ME.

I dreamt of you

2005-01-31T20:38:00.000-08:00

You were in my house, you were dancing in the living room with Kate Bush music in the back ground, your hair was long and flowing and you were glowing, you were so happy. As I walked in, you welcomed me with your invigorating smile, You said "it's ok". Then we were at the beach sitting on the rocks watching the sunset, we were talking, dreaming, sharing our lives and it was good.

Ya know I miss you, I might even miss being pissed off at you. I miss our conversations of what could be, who we are, who we were and who we want to be. you touched my soul and I can not forget that. You made a mark in my heart that said "I was here, Damn it"

I think its wonderful that you are having fun and creating a life outside your work. I hear you look spectacular and from the photo's I have seen: the rumors are true. That makes me really happy to see you with some hope and peace in your eyes.

I hope the bitterness and the anger is over and that we can return to a mutal appreciation of our lives however seperate they may be. When someone who is a force as strong as you are, comes along it's with great passion and energy. It is my hope that the passion and energy can be channelled into something good. I loved you, I adored you, I admired you, I put you on a pedestal that you could only fall from and for that I am sorry.

Thank you for visiting me in my dream. I miss you.....

Help! Please! Sick Puppy!

2005-01-29T19:55:00.000-08:00

Penny Lane (my dog) is very sick. Dr. thinks it is poison from doggie beach. She might not make it through the week. Please send your healing energies.

And maybe some patitence. I have to sit with her 24/7 - give her sub-cutaneous fluids via a needle and iv tube and force feed her every hour, all while giving her the biggest pills I have ever seen every 6 hours. (Rex is with her now to give me a break) It is breaking my heart to watch her in so much pain. She is not her normal self - she lays on her back and heaves to breath. But she will wag her tail for me if she feels that I need it. She is still worried about me. I am not doing well.

What do I need religion for anyway?

2005-01-21T07:21:00.000-08:00

another day on the path......It's been hard this week.

I was at very frustrated, and confused and ready to distract myself from this path all together. I got a rash of or should i say pile of crap on the Cauldron forum the other day. Stupid me thought I would post one of the questions that has been lurking around in my head since I have learned more about Gardner and his beliefs. I would have to say that I am definitely not on the "Wicca" path. But a few more things have happened to me since and I have taken a step back to look at my motivations for seeking in the first place.

I am going to share with you all so that if there is another "new seeker" that they may learn from my temporary departure:

I think I got too caught up in looking for a teacher that I actually started looking to "follow" something again. I was unconsciously looking for something or someone to "Submit" too, to take away my personal accountability, to detach myself from the inner Divine - It was as if I was trying to replace my relationship with Jesus with another Leader. Why though? Why am I or anyone for that matter drawn to "Religion". a pre-made, predetermined belief system. I guess I was looking for the easy way out.

I did figure this out though -

Wicca is a some what structured "religion" that someone has "made up" from many different sources. So to say that I was seeking out the "Wiccan" Path was saying that I was a follower of Gardner and his beliefs, which I know NOTHING about. and what I do know: hasn't really sat very well with me.

Pagan(ism) is an umbrella for all beliefs that don't line up with "Christianity", So i can't say I am following a "Pagan Path" because it's just not possible. Much to wide to "follow" - More of a "region" than a path

Witchcraft is a Tool - Just like a hammer is a tool of a carpenter. It's not a religion, something that is not understood. It is a tool used by many different belief systems. Including Catholicism, Wiccan, etc. Just like using a hammer doesn't make a believer in the "Hammer Path" . It's something to be used, something you do. It is a PRACTICE, To say I am following the "witches path" is also not possible that would be like following the path of the hammer.

What do I need religion for anyway? Why do I have to label it?

I am very glad that I realized that so early and I can now come back to my "research" with a new perspective - A journey in understanding, learning the differernt perspectives that us humans have. that is my path - To journey back before Catholicisim, Christianity, and the modern "church" - What were the different beliefs of all the people of the land. What did they have in common? What are the beliefs

I just got done watching Final Fantasy again from a tottally different perspective on Gaya as I am also reading a book about the "Sacred Paths" of the Native American Indians and their Earth Spirit beliefs. What a beautiful path that is. The words just seem to jump off the page into my heart with a very real energy. When I am reading this book, I am so "Excited". I feel electrified, wired almost, like i am going to Disneyland in the morning for the first time.

On the other hand I wonder if I am totally loosing my mind.........

Do I need to learn more about the native americans, where the "gaya" of the movie orginated from, checkout the Mayans, egyptians, tribal peoples of africa and other places.........Or do i need a psychiatrist?

in need of abundance energy!

2005-01-19T13:47:00.000-08:00

if any of you could send good money wishes my way. Jessica (my
17 year old) turns 18 on March 21, she will be the first woman in our
family in many generations that didn't get pregnant before 18, she
graduates high school in June (and will be the first girl to graduate
in our known family history) and the first anything to graduate in the
past 3 generations. She is also running for Prom Queen (certainly the
only Prom Queen prospect in our family), she has also been accepted to
Syracuse University in NY, one of the top 10 schools in the World. As
some of you may know I have not worked since I hurt myself on my
sisters jet ski last July and I finally have surgery scheduled in Feb.
With all of the scholarships and grants we are still $6,000 short on
tuition. So these are my needs:

Jessica's prom dress (she picked out the most elegant, classy dress in
the world and looks breathtaking in it - and it has more fabric than
most of the other bandaid and cork dresses that are out there - the
total cost of prom comes to $509

Graduation package comes to $299 (photos, yearbook, sr. night,
graduation, cap & gown, etc)

$750 housing deposit for dorm - due Feb. 11th

$6,000 for tuition

$1,800 for braces (she has a horrible overbite - she can fit her entire
thumb between upper and lower teeth (genetic problem from dad)

and of course living expenses.

My income right now is limited to my $300 in child support and the
miniscule amount that I receive from Disability and Cal works, puts me
at about a $900 monthly income.

So any assistance you could send my way would be greatly appreciated- I
am not worried about it though - I just know that it will happen, she
will have all of her dreams realized. She is a hard worker, she has an
after school job, captain of cheerleading, ASB, Leadership training and
raising me - so she is quite busy and very appreciative of the help
that she gets, what little it is from me.

Thanks again!

Kymberley

Blog Police

2005-01-18T22:54:00.000-08:00

I was writing an email to a new friend today and thought - wow I could save some time and just post this email - Is that impersonal? does that break any Blogger laws? Are the Blog Police coming to get me if I don't post an "original thought" - Is it not an original now because I hit apple a, apple c and apple v?? hmmm am I a reproductionist and not a real Blogger - which sorta leads me into the discusson of "am I stealing art when I look at someone elses work and get ideas of my how and turn what I see in their work into my own creation?

okay here i go - apple v and then the sirens blare
From: info@thefairypond.com
Subject: Re: Message From Daven : Re: Thankyou!
Date: January 18, 2005 10:53:13 PM PST
To: MessageNotification@tribe.net

I just watched "under the tuscan sun" It was a perfect ending to a perfect day. I woke up bright and early and went to the orthodontist with both my girls, their father and his new wife, the orthodontist said that the girls both need surgery to correct their overbites and that it isn't covered under the insurance (his new wifes choice of insurance as of Jan. 1st the girls had to stop going to the ortho/dentist that we had been seeing) then we were off to look at prom dresses - I thought the whole family would go since I "assumed" he would be paying for 1/2 of the dress. But no he didn't come he returned to his beautiful home in the oakland hills with his new wife and their new puppy. But Jessica tried on the most beautiful, Classy, elegant dress in the shop, it was the dress I picked and the dress that covered up the most skin, she was amazing in it - breathtaking actually and of course there is only 1 size 2 left in all of the USA and if we didn't buy it then it would probably be gone since every teenager in america wants this dress - then the price tag came and it came up to $509 - that's about $450 more than my wedding dress, and about $500 more than my checking account balance - Fine dress stores don't do lay away I found out. :( But we had a blast anyhow trying on every dress she could and taking beautiful pictures of her in them, with real expensive jewlery and tiara's - It is every little girls dream to get accepted to one of the top 5 colleges in the country and to be taken to your Senior Prom by Last Years Senior AllStar Jock who is madly in love with you and is also the most gorgeous man you have ever seen even if he is only 18, and to walk into that prom with the world at your feet. How can I not do this for her - I have to find $509 really fast - I have to get this dress for her some how.

Oh Im sorry did you say something in your email - gosh I am even self centered in email conversations. How bad is that?

ok let me read your email again - I am so sorry. - ah yes fighting - oh wait I have to tell you the rest - so after the prom dress thing we went to lunch at el torito and had tortilla soup (mine and Jesse's favorite thing (actually the only thing we have in common i think) It was a wonderful lunch - us three girls were happy and bright and cheerful and kind to each other and had conversations about boys and cars, and beaches and dogs, and prom and grades and college and sex and drugs and even a little rock and roll. ( I asked if the hip hop pop guy justin mcCartney was a beatles descendent) It was spectacular - then we came home - sam and I attempted to clean the pool (that's a whole other story) but determined that when we found a dead rat in the pool that even if we could get the filter and heater to work that it probably wouldn't be a good idea to jump in just yet. After that I piled the doggies and my boyfriend into the car to rush off to the beach and watch the sunset. It was a perfect day with a perfect ending. There was a little more that I will save for another theological discussion today I just want to revel in the glory that my kids actually had fun with me today and that I was able to have good, meaningful conversations with their dad and his wife without hating them or being snide and spiteful inside while pretending to smile to keep the peace.

ok so back to fighting vs. arguing - it is difficult and challenging - I think it's important to stop and make a conscious effort to look at your own actions, motives and words to make sure that they are lining up with the way you want to be seen by others (and yourself) - Sometimes we have to step back and say " you know I think I may have been out of line - what i am really trying to accomplish here is blah blah blah - can you forgive me and allow us to move past this moment into a happier more peaceful way of communicating?" It has happened three times today - once jojo had to say it to me, once I had to say it to my daughter Sam and to my joy and happiness I heard her say the same thing to her sister later on - (which is a huge change from the knock down drag out fights that those two have gotten into over the years - I could write a book about sibling fights and make millions)

Ok so where was I - Oh yeah You - Wood working - boring class - Yes I tried ceramics last year - I went 5 straight weeks with 90% elderly seniors, 2 richly bitchy hottie potties and a lovely young polish man who was working out his frustrations through ceramics. But then I had this accident and herniated some discs in my back and bending down to pick up a 25l bag of clay was out of the question - I hope to some day find a class that is on a little faster pace - closer to home and more oh i don't know just More I guess - It wasn't enough to keep me interested enough to put up with the pain. Oh well there are more classes more teachers and more opportunities somewhere else down the road.

Wow - I am not even stoned heheheheh - but if you don't mind I think I will cut and paste our conversation onto my blog today I haven't written anything in a few days and well this email just epitomizes me today -

Hope you are feeling much better - enjoy the weather - go to the beach - oh shit you are in vista - YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE OCEANSIDE PIER - THERE IS A HOMELESS GUY NAMED "SLOJO" HE IS DEAF AND HAS A BLACK DOG NAMED "MOJO" I LET MOJO MOUNT MY DOG PENNY TO MAKE PUPPIES AND THEN I HAD PROMISED SLOJO THAT HE COULD HAVE ONE OF THE PUPS - HE CHOSE CHICKEN - THAT'S ANOTHER STORY BUT ANYHOW MOJO AND HIS SON CHICKEN ARE THE BEST DOGS IN THE WORLD AND I WOULD LOVE IT IF YOU COULD JUST GO TO THE BEACH AND SEE THE PUP AND LET ME KNOW THAT THEY ARE OK?

so anytime this summer that you happen to make it to the beach for sunset - look near the pier - if you don't find chicken or have bad news I don't want it - okay? okay!

Well tata for now - I am off to read the 17 messages from the various message boards that i have been conversing with lately.

Have a great night - go tell your girlfriend how she makes you feel when you wake up in the morning and see her face and when you go to bed at night and feel her warm body next to yours. Tell her how she makes you feel when you are taking a shower and can't stop thinking of her beautiful body!

On Jan 18, 2005, at 8:54 PM, Daven wrote:

There's a new message in your Tribe.net inbox from Daven

Message details: Re: Thankyou!

Don't know if i remember much of last night's fight. Just another one, another pattern I suppose. Oh, that's right, it was about being open without the walls. One has a wall, which makes a reaction inside the other and then the stupid Details come. Details are the most annoying thing inside of fighting. Who cares who did what, it is the past and the reality is that every moment you can be born into loving conciousness again.
I have been trying to let go of the past lately. Being totally present helps so much, but getting there from being behind a wall is by far one of the hardest things I can imagine doing.
I agree with you, fighting is different from arguing. Fighting is screaming, pouting, being childish and throwing things. Arguing takes on more of an adult role I suppose. Still not being loving, but more on the way.
Need sleep, sick with something. Had my first woodworking class at palomar college today. The first class is always boring from going over rules and aplications and introductions. Had four hours of it today. I like the idea of doing it though. Just another art form to me.
Ever played with that kind of stuff?

Namaste!
Davers

nature imitating Art!

2005-01-16T21:35:00.000-08:00

I went to the beach today and I was taken aback by the view in the sky - as the golden sun set on the horizon, the ocean was silver, the sand was golden but it was really the sky that really blew me away. There it was: the sky that I had painted earlier in the morning - the clouds looked as if they had come straight out of painter and the purple, blue, pink and orange were so vibrant and so distinct. I felt the goddess as I stood in awe of her beauty. I had created that sky and She was acknowledging my work - A job well done I heard - NOW KEEP GOING - I can create the sky everyday if I put my mind to it. There are many people out there making a living without cowtowing to the corporate world. A world I never fit in.

I can do this - I can paint all day - and support myself if I work at it - I can do this - I am ready to do this - This is who and what I am -

Moving away from the ocean doesn't really bother me either - because I know now that I can create what ever world I want to live in. Move to the desert start painting beaches: Move to the mountains start painting the City. I can move out into the bitter netherlands of this world and I can make it!

I don't have to go to church on Sunday to see the beauty of the world. And I should probably stay away from church if I want to see the beauty in people. I am not going to hell when I die, If hell is life with out church and organized religion then Bring it on! I say.

Take me out of this square cube and let my dreams lead me to a free and peaceful existence. I am so very glad that I don't have to "Share the word" any more and feel as if everything I do is offending someone somewhere. Although I am sure I am still offending people - it doesnt rule my life anymore or my actions. I don't react to people anymore - But wow can a beautiful view get a reaction out of me.

Woo Hoo

parts for the book Chapter 2

2005-01-09T21:49:00.000-08:00

Sunday, January 09, 2005

10:20 AM - chapter 2
Current mood: chipper

I arrived at a desolate patch of ground only dead sage and wormwood to surround my encampment but off in the distance i saw a familiar site - one that i had seen on a shirt that I had received for Christmas - how odd i thought as I sat mesmerized by the sun rising over the peak that was portrayed on my old navy thermal. I set up camp with the assistance of my companions for the week, often interrupted with the site of colorful canopies opening above us with bodies attached to them cheerfully landing in the desert oasis of the drop zone just a few yards from our site. It was beauty in it's purest form - so natural yet so uncommon. Most people don't "Fly" through the air with the greatest of ease - certainly not most people you know in your "normal" circle of friends. But here they were thousands of people from age 18 to 85 from as many different countries and walks of life as you can count all with one thing in common: the need for flight. Freedom from restriction, inhibition, and fear. Freedom from their daily lives, freedom from life itself. To fly above the clouds is the ultimate freedom the ultimate trust in yourself........

.......................................CHAPTER 2............................................................
I was awakened by the sun rising over the peak - not much different that the day before but a completely consuming view none the less. I made coffee and a fire as I watched the colorful canopies falling from the sky again and off in the northern horizon I saw a beautiful balloon rising above the desert and off into sky. I had brought an entire box of books I was planning to read. I had envisioned my desert retreat to be full of free time to sit and ponder my life’s path. Lazily reading and writing in my week of solitude. With Jojo dropping out of the sky and me on the ground indulging all my desires on peace and privacy. But of course that was impossible - How can you pick up a book and stare into the written pages of someone else’s story when there was a beautiful novel of my own to LIVE right now. There was an entire state of unexplored desert, mountains, canyons and peaks to be experienced in first person. So off we went, my son and my friend Mike hopped into the van with the dogs and decided to find an adventure of our own since falling from the sky was a financial impossibility.

We went in search of the spiritual ruins at Casa Grande - A village built by the HoHoKam Indians right after the introduction of Christianity to their culture. These nomadic people tried a new lifestyle of community service. They built a large facility to house the entire villages needs and a trade center to fund their new community based way of life. They tried it for 50 years then decided that it would be better to return to their individual nomadic ways. Each family caring only for itself and staying separate from others - giving each family their privacy and self sufficient life style that had worked for them for thousands of years prior to their introduction to the "church"

The ruins were poorly maintained by very caring individuals. They had filled the adobe cracks with colored cement and I felt violated by their restoration efforts. I sat and pondered their way of life. I was amused at how familiar their history was to me. I too had been taken in by the Christian ideals of working together for the good of the community as a whole. That my individuality was actually a hindrance to my spiritual path. I, like the Hohokam Indians, was supposed to accept my leaders interpretation of the “holy word”. I was to Submit – not only to the Pastor but also to my partner. Only “He” was the spiritual leader and me as a woman was supposed to be his support, his cushion, his lover, and his helpmate. Can you imagine convincing an entire race of people that their 10,000-year-old way of life was damming them to hell and that they must follow your new path in order to be saved from eternal damnation? They could do Nothing in order to save themselves that Had to follow the churches rules, they had to give up their personalities, their foundations, their values, their goals, their own curiosity and way of life to this new “god”. That must have been a very charismatic man who convinced them that their ways were wrong and that they needed to now to not rely on them selves but to rely upon this God of the sky that had created the earth only as a temporary resting place on their way to heaven.

The Indians had previously thought that the earth was worthy of it’s own worship. They believed and acted as if they were one with the earth and to live in harmony with the ways of the earth and her seasons. The Indians believed that their actions had a direct effect on the environment around them. If their crops were in need of water then they would perform a ritual to ask the god of earth to rain down upon them. They were compelled to care for the earth – to be one with their surroundings. This planet was not a testing ground for a future place in the clouds. Their God was not jealous. Their God didn’t condemn them. Their God didn’t create them as sinners and evil beings. They had many Gods that dwelled within them and their surroundings – They did not worship the Land but they did believe that the earth and all of its beings, man, animal, plant, were one with the Gods. They themselves were Divine creatures created to live in synchronization with the ways of the world itself.

It was an enlightening moment to realize that trying to fit in the Christian society and then falling away from those beliefs was not a problem just of my own but one that many before me had experienced as well. So we left the Casa Grande Ruins; but not before we inscribed our feelings into their history book of guests and comments.

We headed northeast towards a towering range of red mountains. We later found out that we had headed into Devil’s Canyon along Superstition Highway. How odd I thought that I would be drawn to that area. As we traveled along the flat desert highway we enjoyed the view of many cacti, desert plant life and even the occasional wild cow. It was a beautiful site to see so much open land, undeveloped, uninhabited land, full of life and promises of a simpler way of life free from the daily grind of whose lawn is greener and whose driveway holds the better car.

As we started up the mountain we passed an old mining town called Superior. It was the first village we had seen in over an hour, it was old and crippled. Many buildings decaying at their foundation, empty store fronts and a few elderly people walking along the sidewalk of a once Superior town and now a ghost town of dreams gone by. After we left the small town we continued our climb up the mountain with a bright shinning sun above us, Red Cliffs in front of us and flat desert land behind us. It was a beautiful view we thought as we turned the corner and found two massive bridges built in the early part of the 20th century. You could tell they were old because they were beautifully designed with arches, carvings and structural detail beyond the current functional designs of modern times.

I wanted to stop and take in the view and Mike encouraged me. So we pulled over to the side of the road and got out of our carriage to take in the beauty of this gateway to the mountains ahead. We found several caves that were begging us to be explored. We crossed the highway and made our way down to the bridges foundation to stand in awe of its beautiful construction. We also imagined Jumping off of it into sky below. Could it be done? Would this structure allow us the fun and excitement of using it as a base for flying? Who built it? Why don’t they build bridges like that anymore? Obviously it was structurally sound – it had lasted almost a hundred years without falling down. Why can’t they bring that beauty into the urban jungle? Why can’t the concrete gardens of the cities be developed with such respect for its surroundings? Why is that cave over there calling me to enter? I must explore I thought as I climbed up the side of the mountain to enter into its inner sanctum via a hole carved into its side.

We ventured on to this great cavern but found it blocked off by 20 ft tall pipes cemented into the mountain itself. Blocking us from the beauty within. Of course we couldn’t be stopped by this obstacle, we had to go in – the Cave was calling us. As I climbed up the poles I felt empowered to continue on. I had more energy than I had felt all year combined. I felt strong, strong as the mountain that I was about to enter. Once on the other side of this supposedly insurmountable gate I saw the great chasms into the inner part of the mountain but I also saw that these were not natural pathways to the center of earth but man made passages built to tear way the minerals found within the mountain itself. There were many mining paths – but all of them blocked from future exploration. We had stumbled upon a piece of history. Hundreds of men with the drive and power to steal away the heart of mountain one pick at a time. You could see the dreams of the miners as they went deeper and deeper into the mountain in hopes of finding its treasure. But now it was barren, desolate, stripped of its middle and unexplorable by our human hands. I sat at the edge of the cavern picking away at the walls with my fingers. Feeling the earth crumble in my hands. Could I find a treasure here? Could I stumble upon a left over nugget of whatever it was that these miners had gone after? I looked at the rocks and their formations. How did this mountain get here in the first place, why was it so sandy and easily broken apart. What history did the layers of earth piled on top of each other hold. What secrets were there? Could I find something new? Could I be the next discoverer of treasure? After a while it was back to the car – we weren’t prepared for our adventure, we had no flashlight, no water, and no food. Just a desire to explore what others had explored before us. We decided that we would continue on up the mountain. Surely if the base was this beautiful and exciting there must be more up above us.

A couple of miles up the mountain we saw a sign for the Magma Mine Road – How inviting was that? We had to venture on. There were signs for campgrounds that intrigued us so on we went to see what was in store. The beauty of what we were to find is almost indescribable. The cacti gave way to beautiful manzanita bushes; the windy road was not often traveled by its appearance but had recently been cleared of roadside obstacles. Nature had infringed upon the path of asphalt and someone had to cut it away to prevent the mountain from consuming the passers by. We passed the campground and thought we would return later and continued up the road to see what else lye ahead. We came around a corner and found the most beautiful green oasis in the middle of a red mountain of brown desert plant life. Where did all this green come from we wondered as the mountain revealed a beautiful pond of water. Too small for a lake but too big for a watering hole – we named it the Desert Fairy Pond and vowed to also come back to it someday. We were on a mission to see where this road led us. We passed a car off on the side of the road with the windows tinted and the car rocking at a rhythmic pace. Awww desert lovers in a private retreat. We left them alone and continued up the road to the top of the mountain. A huge gate that said NO Trespassing greeted us. Hmmm that’s pretty much an invitation to explore further. So we parked the car and let the dogs out to play – at least we had an excuse if we were to get caught. “Sorry officer, our dogs took off under the gate chasing a bird so we had to enter to get our dogs back” we would say. The dogs led us to a security gate at the front of a very large factory. Not a car or a person in sight. There was a small office to house the guard that should have been attending this gate so off we were to explore what this factory was. Was it a secret government site where they did things unknown to society? What secrets lay beyond? I peered through the window to see a desk calendar. The page it was turned to was dated October 2004. Hmmm, no one has been here for two months I thought, so what the heck lets keep going – we used the dog excuse again as we pulled the chain link fence away so the dogs could pass first and we could follow “frantically trying to retrieve them” heheheh. We had stumbled up Superior Copper Mine that had been abruptly vacated just two months earlier. It looked as if there had been a crew there working the day before, tools lay around as if they were just used but they were rusted and held into place by the mountain that was attempting to reclaim its land by swallowing the facility with its desert growth. It was an eerie feeling – you could hear the voices of the mineworkers of the past as they made the factory work and the mountain give up its treasures.

We explored much of the site and came upon many interesting artifacts. I found a lunch box – an old metal box like my grandfather used to keep on the railroad. I was fascinated that someone had once used it to hold their meals and now it had just fallen by the way side. What was this person holding their meals in now? Why would he just leave his lunch box sitting there – doesn’t he need it anymore? We ventured on to the mineshaft that seemed to go on forever. We threw a rock down the hole to see how deep it was – the rock banged and knocked against the sides of the hole for at least 20 seconds. We tried to figure out how the factory worked and sat their imagining ourselves in the middle of the mine with all the workers around tearing apart the mountain from the inside out. Why was it closed now? Had they stripped the mountain of its soul, was there nothing left to mine? Many questions remained unanswered and that’s just fine. I will continue to let my imagination tell the story of the superior copper mine.

We pilfered several items that we had found, the lunchbox, a book left on a desk, a pair of boots left in a safety cabinet and a sign that was posted on the front of one building. It was the Creed of the company, their mission statement. It was so powerful to read these “rules” of conduct. Their mission seemed so pure and just – how did it end, why did it end, why weren’t their anymore workers to live by these rules. I had to take the sign, Stealing is not something I normally do but I wanted these rules to live on – to have a second purpose to remind us of the hard work these men and women did to strip the mountain of its treasure for our use.

Once we done riffling through this vacated land we headed back to the car. This time paying more attention to the plant life that had recently been cut away from the road. We found gorgeous manzanita branches lying on the ground and took one each for ourselves to carve a wand from, to remind us of our adventure. As we piled back into the van with our newly found treasures – we found we were not alone. Apparently the Mine was not totally abandoned. There was a guard that made its twice-daily rounds to ensure that the mine was protected from looters like us. We quickly gathered up the dogs, covered our treasures and took off in the opposite direction of the guard as fast as we could without appearing so. What an adrenaline rush to get back to the highway undiscovered. We passed up the pond, and the campground and paid no attention to the car on the side of the road. This time we weren’t exploring we were running hastily away with our bounty. We felt like pirates as we approached the highway once again. Only to be greeted by a sheriff that had pulled off the road right next to us. We had two choices: we could either pull out in front of the sheriff as my previous blinker choice had indicated or we could change our path in the opposite direction of our temporary home and continue up the mountain. I felt it was better to continue on as planned and pull up right next to the sheriff. I figured if he was there for us that we would save ourselves the shock of the siren and just accept our destiny. As we pulled up next to the Sheriff, I noticed a trash can – So I decided it was a good time to clean out the car. Maybe the sheriff wasn’t there for us and we could just wait him out. Which we did, after the car was free from any trash and all of our bounty was conveniently hidden we continued back down the mountain the way we had come up and returned to our campsite in the flat desert lands.

As we arrived back at our temporary home we enjoyed watching the canopies falling from the sky yet again. This time the sky was full of them – 40 or 50 I had thought. It was the sunset load in which several people jump for the last jump of the day – As they landed I counted over 50 people – 50 colorful canopies floating above us.

life in a smaller size

2004-12-23T21:50:00.000-08:00

6:38 PM - life in a smaller size
Current mood: chipper

So I go shopping with my sister who wants to take me on this new skinny girl shopping spree and of course the only cute things i can find are in size 13 which i no longer am - i keep looking at the end of clearance racks where the fat girl clothes are and now I just can't get used to looking at smalls and mediums. It's fun and weird - I took a pic with my neice and santa the other day and i look almost skeletal. My collar bones stick out and my cheek bones - but damn it feels good to be thinner. When you think about all the changes I have gone through - i really did loose another person - 100 lbs is another person - I am now under the weight that I put on my license a year ago which was about 50lb less than I was at the time.

I need new bras, new panties even shoes - everything on me is smaller now but I feel my mind and my world seems larger now. I am not self concious anymore and I can where pink boots and leopard print skirts and I feel good now - not like a stuffed sausage.

Cleaning up my friends list

2004-12-14T21:51:00.000-08:00

1:01 PM - more cleaning of the list
Current mood: contemplative

I have yet again cleaned up my list - I removed stupid bands that have local shows in far away places that I don't really care about and stupid people that I have either never talked to or wouldn't want to talk to again and others that I just don't know who they were which leaves me with about 125 close associaltes. Isn't it funny that I have serious conversations with my kids who sit on the other side of the wall from me via a posting board on the internet - Communciation has really taken a step backwards in someways. I visited some old profiles to day of people I once knew -

There has been this nagging at my heart ever since i got stupid drunk last month and couldn't stop talking about how much I miss someone that I use to know and admire. Her latest pictures have her looking more beautiful than ever, happy and at peace - that makes me feel good in side. I have been lighting candles for the past week - sending my miracle energy her way -

I hope that one day she will find the peace of mind that she so seemed to miss when I knew her. I hope that one day she will look back and say nice things about me (but I seriously doubt it) I wish we could go shopping together again and hang out in random places enjoying the chaos of life together but I know that isn't going to happen in this lifetime. I wish that my cleansing ritual would release me from the toxins that have infiltrated my being. I wish that my passion would be sparked again and that my sense of belonging and being needed would return. I wish that those who were close to me could see inside me and the feel my sorrow for things left unsaid. I wish I could return to the days when my only desire was to create something beautiful from nothing
- Right now my days are consumed with a leaking roof, a cold pool and puppy piss on my socks. My free time is consumed with reading and studying and my nights filled with tossing and turning wondering where the year went and what the next one will bring. I am tired of being in pain - physically and emotionally!

long time no talk

2004-11-12T21:52:00.000-08:00

4:54 PM - wow long time no talk

I guess i haven't had much time to think or write about the chaos here but it's been good chaos, moving a house of 9 people, 9 dogs and 4 very large bedrooms with a 2 car garage plus a work shop into a 3 bedroom house with 4 kids, 2 adults 9 dogs, no garage PLUS a POOL! has really taken it all out of me. It's been a crazy move. Homecoming and the first rain in 181 days happened on moving week. I know I posted a journal about Jess's Homecoming Success but I don't know what happened to it. I love our new pool, pool table, outdoor dining room and firepit - perfect for summer parties but of course it is winter now and well.....arggh.

I wanted to say thank you to all of you who have been popping in to help me out, encourage me or just to say hi. i really appreciate it. Friends come and go in and out of your life and when your really down and out it's the true friends that are there to help you out. So thanks! You mean more to me than I have let you know lately.

it's hard to type with tears rolling down your face onto the keyboard

2004-09-16T21:52:00.000-07:00

6:05 AM - it's hard to type with tears rolling down your face

being a friend is hard sometimes, you never know how far to push before the button just pops back in your face!

sometimes we don't feel like taking the time to really get to know someone and we get all butt hurt if things dont go the way we think they should but when you take a step back and ask why??? you find out some new things about people when you just don't give up on them or give up trying to get inside their head.

I have a lot of girlie friends right now - more than i think i have ever had, these are true friends, people that you could call at 2 am and have them laugh with you over a horrible day or that you could show up on their doorstep homeless and hungry and they would invite you in and give you the shirt off your back.

I feel so very blessed right now. I feel rich. not with money but with love and friendship. I don't know how to be anyother way, i am a little controlling at times or maybe a little too pushy but it's out of love. I have never loved so many people in my life and never felt so loved by others. When I younger i would wonder who would show up at my funeral. Now i feel as if I can't ever die - there are too many people that need me - Too many people that bring joy to my life by sharing their life with me.

its amazing that my boyfriends wife is one of my best friends and her sister is like my sister - perfect friendship that i wouldn't trade for the world - they both bring me so much happiness. Cassandra is nothing like I was at 21 and everything any mother would want for her daughter. - happy, joyful, ambitious, dedicated, honest, NOT FAKE, just a true friend.

Then there's Jen - We met under some pretty gross circumstances when you look back at it. I was horribly addicted to a very ugly drug and she joined me - 6 months later I knew I had to leave CA to stay alive but it was hard leaving her, that was almost 10 years ago - we haven't seen eachother since but I consider her another of my best friends. We have not only maintained a friendship but we have grown so much through email, yahoo and now myspace.

Debi- Damn i miss you - where are you - you were the only friend i had for 15 years prolly and i think it's only because you showed me what friendship is that i am able to have so many that are close to me now.

My own sister - who I am just getting to know - ill write all about that story some day but damn it feels good to be accepted by your own blood!

My mom - Wow - we have gone through some serious shit over the last 36 years and I expect we will again but right now it's really nice - I love having her in my life by my choice.

My own daughters - Sam doesn't always make me feel like she likes me very much but it's not really my job to make her like me - I am her mother and that's a hard thing to be - but I love her so very much and watching her grow and mature is so heartwarming. She is so beautiful and smart, self disciplined, neat, organized - everything i am not.

Jess - oh my gosh - I couldn't be much prouder of her - And I dont feel like i can take much credit for her success, she has been determined about who she is and what she is going to do with her life since she is 3, i feel honored that she allows me along for the ride sometimes. She is a senior in High School, she has a's and b's in school, she is the captian of her cheerleading team, she has some really good friends herself, she is driven, ambitious and I know is going to very very successful in everything she does - and just like she has told me before - She is nothing like me - she is amazing and she still allows me in her life sometimes - those few moments when she lets me share her happiness are moments that i treasure most in life.

Ashley - Wow - here i go crying again, You have been hanging around our family for a while now and you have seen us go through some pretty horrible shit and you still want to live with us??? Girl you must be crazy. But you bring sunshine to our lives, you are so damn beautiful - inside and out - I am so honored that you chose to move in with us. Thank you for bringing happiness to all of us.

then there are the new myspace friends that I haven't met yet in person but that i feel so very close too!
Lexi, Loralie, lucretia - ok what is it with the L's???
there are many more too
sinderella, dangerous angel, cerbal cortex, dark slayer,( ok the last two aren't girlies but you are friends)

cher, char, du - you all add happiness to my life

I guess i could go on with the men in my life but this is dedicated to the women right now.

So thank you to all my friends, near and far, for adding value to my life, for being a friend and letting me be a friend - someday I hope we can all celebrate our lives together - and not at my funeral - before that please - hehehe.

almost perfect!

2004-09-14T21:54:00.000-07:00

7:11 PM - it was so perfect

below is a bulletin from the day we put in the offer.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
we need good thoughts and maybe a spell or two

Jojo and I are putting in an offer on a house today, right down the street on Home Avenue, it's a 5 bed 3 bath with a 2 car garage for the pool table and a back yard that robinson coruso would die for - treehouse, tire swing and all. It is perfectly decorated in vintage rust gold and chocolate brown colors - woo hoo it even has a cork wall and a mirrored wall (the kind with the gold lines in it) Anyhow we are inlove with it but we can only afford to offer him 20K less than he is asking so if everyone could think good thoughts for us maybe we can will him into accepting our poormans offer.

Thanks to everyone for all your support during this rough time for me. My first disability check arrived two days ago - almost a full 60 days after my injury - almost 2 full months of Jojo carrying the load for me and my kids. Many fairy blessings on him too. He is the most wonderful man I have ever met.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Right after we got done writing the offer and dealing with finances to see if we could make work we went to the beach, on the way to the beach a shooting/falling star was right in front of us on the freeway and we both saw it at the same time and had the same wish, then when we got to the beach we couldn't find the moon then all of a sudden as we looked back towards the coast from the water this big huge harvest moon appeared over Point Loma, it was as if it was searching us out, jojo went back in to shore to watch the dogs, I swam in the black liquid for a while pretending i was a dolphin, then as i looked back to the shore I could see the dark silohette of the man i love with my doggies standing on either side of him the moon rising over their heads and then all of a sudden when I thought it was the most beautiful view Seawold lit off their fireworks, how much more perfect could it be? My son walked up to jojo and knelt down so that the two men I love and the two women that love me the most were there under a full harvest moon with fireworks, it was amazing, I was so complete and totally happy and in love, I was so hopeful that the house would be ours by 5 pm the next day

Well that didn't happen it got dragged all the way to saturday evening when the final word came that they accepted the competing offer and we were shit out of luck, so i get on the net and search for any 4 bedroom 2 bath with a two car garage ANYWHERE in San Diego and of course the only ones that we could afford were either in TJ or Murrietta, Not one in San Diego county, then last night there was a new listing on the market,

another one just over the hill from us, 4 bed 2 bath 2 car garage and A FUCKING POOL, how much better could it be?? Now i cant find a realtor that can get me into the house until tomorrow at 5:30 This has to be the most horrible thing to do in the world. Buying a house is hell, purgatory, torture, when you are poor, have a lot of people that you want to take care of and need to get out of where your at in less than 45 days.

Talk about stress! Well I am also studying to be a realtor while i am on disability. Hopefully i will get my liscense in time so I can go to work for an agency here in SD when I get better, I know that I will comprehend what the wait is like to a first time buyer and the stress that a family goes through. I think this experience will make me the best damn realtor in CA

Woo hoo, i might be a homeless realtor but I will understand and have compassion for others like me!