wish I had soemething to write about

9:48 AM - I wish I had something to write about

A very good friend of mine keeps encouraging me to write, I have had difficulty writing since the love of my life has left my soul and left my inspiration dry. I live in the most beautiful area that I ever have lived in, and I have lived a lot of different places, so you would think that i would be inspired by the large oak tree in my front yard, or the deer family that visits me on every good day I have; but that has not been the case. I have been encumbered by this very heavy monkey on my back of rent and bills and unpaid debts that just keep rising and pushing me further and further away from where I want to be.

I had a few days of inspiration - he was fun but many many years of age difference put an end to it, even though the friendship continues the muse is gone. I have had such a turmultuous couple of years since the end of jojo. I have moved many times, tried many different lives on like masks and costumes and nothing seems to fit. My clothes don't fit, my house doesn't fit, my job doesn't really fit (right now at least - but it may in the future.) I wanted for so long to be alone, without any encumberances so I could live my life for me and now that I am here, I still don't know who I am.

I work and I sleep and have a glass of wine a few nights a week and that's the extent. I want now for time and energy to create, yet I feel so many barriers to this. I need an art studio a place to go - to get away from all this "life" weighing on me so I can create again. I wish I didn't need a man to do these things. Why is it that I can't seem to be who I want to be without one? I have a "friend" now that is the most romantic man I have ever known, he treats me well, when he's around but it isn't possible for him to be mine and I don't think he is the ONE, I do feel that maybe he will introduce me to the One though, So I do indulge when the opportunity presents itself but I don't go out of my way to make it happen.

I want to go back to school, maybe that is the key to my inspiration, being around others that are like me. I need to get back to San Diego and go back to Palomar College, that's where I felt most at home even without jojo.

So Jen, I will write something every day - I promise - even if it is just to say that I have nothing new to write about.