when I write. .....

When I write, I wonder who is going to read my thoughts. Are my daughters reading my posts and am I going to have to explain or defend random bolts of enlightenment to them? If I could write and make sure that noone would ever judge me for the words that come out, I could create masterpieces, volumes of thought and ideas, reflections and analogies.

Someone asked me today why I don't like little kids anymore and I had to think about a really good response that would not offend anyone. My daughters and I have had a few really difficult years. I was growing up at the same time they were and it wasn't easy on any of us. I have been a huge disappointment to both my daughters, and to myself for not following through on my dreams earlier. I wish I would have gone to college when they were younger and gained the self-confidence to not need a man in my life. I wish I could have provided for them an example of an intelligent, determined, goal driven person that lives their lives without masks. I don't think I did a bad job raising them overall, but the last few years were difficult for all.

I hope to finish college soon, so that they can be proud of me again. I hope to provide for them all the love and emotional support and encouragement that they need to be successful in life and love and the "pursuit of happyness"

I have been very selfish of late with my feelings and I hope they don't take it personally. I just know I have some more growing up to do. Both my girls are spectacular in every way and are quite capable of living their lives without my control. This beautiful reality gives me the freedom to explore who the rest of me is.

Posted by Mountain Fairy on Thursday, December 13, 2007 at 10:33 PM
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