what I want

1:14 AM - What I want
Current mood: awake
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

I don't want another one of me but I do want a partner, a friend, a companion for all the moments of life, to work together on something, play together, cry together, be alone and still be together. I want to make memories while building, fixing or breaking something together. I would love to go to far away places and learn and explore this world together. This person would have to be a very open minded person, intelligent, love to learn and love to teach, and feel that people should never be judged or looked down upon for things they can not control, like the color of their skin or the country in which they are born, or who their parents are. Bad behaviors, however, should not be tolerated. I want someone who is happy with themselves yet still sees room for improvement and seeks out all opportunities to do so. I would love to meet someone that had a metal or wood shop that would like to teach me how to express my creativity in three dimensional work. I want someone who is emotionally honest with themselves and at least me if not everyone else. I want someone that will call me when they see something in their life that makes them think of me, I want someone to be able to go away enough for me to miss them but be there when its cold and raining and be my sunshine. I want someone to sit in the water with and stare up at the stars, just being silent together. I want someone I can talk to and even more importantly someone I can listen too. I want someone who is proud to introduce me to their friends and doesn't feel the need to parade me around like a trophy or to hide me from their whatevers. I want someone who makes me laugh and laughs with me. I want someone who can make decisions about life, who can take the reigns just for a moment, and still respects mine.

I want someone to share the passing of time with, watching the grass grow, or skydiving, or riding a motorcycle down the coast with a tent on the back, camping where ever our hearts desire. I want someone who already has kids and is a great parent but who doesnt' want to do it all over again. I want someone to respect my role as a mother and understand the family dynamics from experience. I want someone whose expectations I can exceed and who accepts and exceeds mine. I want to make someone smile, I want to make someone dance on clouds of happiness with themselves and our life together.

I am sure I am asking for a lot but theres no point in wasting any moment of life on anything less than exactly what we want.

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." Mahatma Gandhi

Currently listening : Eyes Open By Snow Patrol Release date: 09 May, 2006

Do I get more

stoned so I can get creative again? What was it about the other night that got my thoughts flowing so well? Was it the dinner, the bath, the pleasure? paranoia is getting to me tonight about bills, who would read this, and what do people really think of me. Tells me I should just go to sleep and not reach down this dark whole anymore tonight. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

when I write. .....

When I write, I wonder who is going to read my thoughts. Are my daughters reading my posts and am I going to have to explain or defend random bolts of enlightenment to them? If I could write and make sure that noone would ever judge me for the words that come out, I could create masterpieces, volumes of thought and ideas, reflections and analogies.

Someone asked me today why I don't like little kids anymore and I had to think about a really good response that would not offend anyone. My daughters and I have had a few really difficult years. I was growing up at the same time they were and it wasn't easy on any of us. I have been a huge disappointment to both my daughters, and to myself for not following through on my dreams earlier. I wish I would have gone to college when they were younger and gained the self-confidence to not need a man in my life. I wish I could have provided for them an example of an intelligent, determined, goal driven person that lives their lives without masks. I don't think I did a bad job raising them overall, but the last few years were difficult for all.

I hope to finish college soon, so that they can be proud of me again. I hope to provide for them all the love and emotional support and encouragement that they need to be successful in life and love and the "pursuit of happyness"

I have been very selfish of late with my feelings and I hope they don't take it personally. I just know I have some more growing up to do. Both my girls are spectacular in every way and are quite capable of living their lives without my control. This beautiful reality gives me the freedom to explore who the rest of me is.

Posted by Mountain Fairy on Thursday, December 13, 2007 at 10:33 PM
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creative writing exercise.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

1:32 AM - creative writing exercise How would you complete the phrase: I never feel I should be doing anything else when I am…? I always feel as if I should be doing something else, when I am cooking I feel like I should be cleaning up. When I am dancing, I feel like I have to pee. When I am working, I feel like I should be playing. But when I am laying in the ocean or floating in the air there is no where else I would rather be. I feel like I should be doing other things but I wouldn't rather be doing those things. When I am indulging in my fantasies, I get interrupted with parental duties or rent or or bills and the pain comes back and then fantasy dissapates. When I am writing, I wonder who is going to read this and are they going to pick it apart and throw it back at me. But just for a moment, let's go there. Let's hop on the Fred, my imaginary old vw bus, and go for a ride. A ride that has no destination but experience, and no return date in mind. Up and then down the pacific coast we go, camping and adventuring mixed with lazy days of basking in the sun on the oceans shore. And once upon a time we reach the tip of baja and pick up a sailboat and sail across the sea to the Mexican coast and keep venturing into all the South American countries, stopping and meeting people all along the way. Making friends, learning about other ways of life, other ways of seeing the world and sharing fun and good times. Ahh what a nice dream for me to fall asleep too tonight.

i don't even want to sleep tonight

1:33 AM - I don’t even want to sleep tonight
Current mood: blissful

Laying in the hot black liquid surrounding me, surrounding my soul, so quiet, so still, so warm and comforting. The water sang to me, saying let me hold you here for just a while. Let me give you warmth in those dark empty places. Let me fill you up and not want for any more. Open your eyes and see the night sky, see my stars light up just for you, notice the different colors, no two are the same, each is unique just like you. Look in front of you and see my beautiful trees, and mountains and miles and miles of bountiful land leading to my blue ocean waters. The waves are calling you now, come play with me soon.

But I can't go, I have rent to pay so for now I just slink on over to my neighbors outdoor tub and indulge in pure selfish fantasy for just a few moments of sailing the ocean blue to ports unknown. I can't let go of that fantasty, that dream, that goal, that itch that must be scratched. I must go sailing in a not to large boat, one that I can manage on my own or with a captian, and get out on the still ocean water at night and just absorb the universe. That is my goal, that is the picture I want for my vision board, that is the reward of the hardwork that I want to recieve. That is the reward for earning my degree, that is the reward for writing my first book, that is the reward for getting my first teaching job. I realize I have far to go in order to earn that reward but I do want to earn it. If it is handed to me on a silver platter, I might not appreciate it as much and if I don't accomplish the things I want to do before I get that dream, I don't think I would ever come back and finish. I would just keep going, from one port to the next, from one adventure to the next, from one experience to the next.

why

Monday, December 10, 2007 11:25 AM - Why? Why can't I let go and say goodbye. He's getting married, he loves someone else, he will never love me again. Can I go just one day without missing him, talking about him, mentioning him in conversation, dreaming about love we had and will it ever happen to me again. Does she love him like he deserves to be loved? Is she good to him in every way? Does she make him smile? Does he walk on clouds? I hope she does all these things for him and more. I hope she smiles because of him and I hope she knows how precious his love is and doesn't screw it up. I hope she loves him completely with all her soul. I hope she is good to him. I hope I can let go and move on. I hope I find that peace within myself that lets me just BE without him even in thought.

the sky

10:07 AM - the sky
Current mood: awake

The sky is calling me
Her peace is screaming for me
come to me
come dance inside me
come play with me
Come and Fall Away
let all your doubts
let all your fears
let all your tears
let all your pain
let all your lonliness
Fall to the ground
As you rest in the arms
of my freedom
And soak up the peace
That keeps you coming back for more

wish I had soemething to write about

9:48 AM - I wish I had something to write about

A very good friend of mine keeps encouraging me to write, I have had difficulty writing since the love of my life has left my soul and left my inspiration dry. I live in the most beautiful area that I ever have lived in, and I have lived a lot of different places, so you would think that i would be inspired by the large oak tree in my front yard, or the deer family that visits me on every good day I have; but that has not been the case. I have been encumbered by this very heavy monkey on my back of rent and bills and unpaid debts that just keep rising and pushing me further and further away from where I want to be.

I had a few days of inspiration - he was fun but many many years of age difference put an end to it, even though the friendship continues the muse is gone. I have had such a turmultuous couple of years since the end of jojo. I have moved many times, tried many different lives on like masks and costumes and nothing seems to fit. My clothes don't fit, my house doesn't fit, my job doesn't really fit (right now at least - but it may in the future.) I wanted for so long to be alone, without any encumberances so I could live my life for me and now that I am here, I still don't know who I am.

I work and I sleep and have a glass of wine a few nights a week and that's the extent. I want now for time and energy to create, yet I feel so many barriers to this. I need an art studio a place to go - to get away from all this "life" weighing on me so I can create again. I wish I didn't need a man to do these things. Why is it that I can't seem to be who I want to be without one? I have a "friend" now that is the most romantic man I have ever known, he treats me well, when he's around but it isn't possible for him to be mine and I don't think he is the ONE, I do feel that maybe he will introduce me to the One though, So I do indulge when the opportunity presents itself but I don't go out of my way to make it happen.

I want to go back to school, maybe that is the key to my inspiration, being around others that are like me. I need to get back to San Diego and go back to Palomar College, that's where I felt most at home even without jojo.

So Jen, I will write something every day - I promise - even if it is just to say that I have nothing new to write about.

still has teeth

3:57 PM - another old post that still has some teeth
Category: Friends

originally posted January of 2006 =

So what are the intentions of ex loves, old friends, coulda would shouldas when they pop back into your life just to see how your doing, to let you know that they are thinking of you? Really what is the purpose? to pour more salt in the wound, make sure it's still festering? to remove the scab that has finally formed to open it all up again?

And then Jojo where does he come off asking me how I am doing, it's really none of his business damn it, I doing great, not what we had planned on, not the things we said we would be doing, I am not playing with our puppy, I am not going to the beach, I am not skydiving, I am not with my kids, I am ALONE the way he left me, what the fuck does he really want from me? I can't be his friend, I cant share my thoughts with him, i want to kick him in the shins damn it.
.
So you know what to all of you EX peoples, just leave me alone, you left me or I left you for some really good reason, I don't need to be reminded that your gone, I dont need to be reminded that I am alone. I am quite well aware of my alone ness right now and after the stupid move I made today I am content to be alone for a very long time.

if there is a prince charming, and if he does fall in love with me for all that I am, then he will know he needs to come to me, he will ride up on his white horse and carry me away in his own good time. I don't need to go out there find him nor do I need to wait around for him, or help him out by "giving him a little push". I have a wonderful life with out jojo, without michael, without any man and DAMN you for telling me I needed one.

So there, there is my pissed off, bruised feelings, embarrassed and vengeful side for all of you who were wondering if I had one. posted by Tattel....The Tattered Fairie at 5:18 PM | 0 comments


and how do I feel today, OMG I miss Jojo so freaking much - anyone that I date now - I ask myself - Would jojo like him for me? Would I be proud to introduce this guy to him? and if not then I just keep walking. Jojo loved me once upon a time, very deeply and I destroyed it - I realized now that I did it to us - He didn't just up and walk out on me, I drove him away, I stopped being me and got caught up in something else. That wont happen again. If I ever did get the chance to spend one more day with him, I would want to go skydiving, and sit at sunset cliffs in one of the caves and thank him for being the greatest love of my life and loving me the way no other has ever been able too.
So I guess I got over the angry part of the loss and moved on to the acceptance part but I still greive for the loss of that love. and hope he is doing well no matter what he is doing these days.

this year

1:47 AM - This Year

I have gone to college for Art and anthropology, owned a clothing store, worked for the Yellow Pages as an Advertising sales person, spent two weeks in training/on vacation in Southern California, gone sailing, camped in the santa cruz mountains, moved from the bay area to the mountains, gone hiking, worked as a waitress, worked at a home improvement store as a cashier, worked at a grocery store, drank wine, dated someone more than 15 years younger and another 15 years older, turned forty, watched my youngest daughter graduate from high school, swam in the ocean, hiked in the mountains, lost a fiancee, regained a life long friend, hurt someone, made someone smile, missed someone and met someone, moved one daughter in, one out and my son in and out, finished maybe 3 pieces of art outside of school, .........and wonder whats next....

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he did it again

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

5:46 PM - he did it yet again I was so full of inspiration, I had my pencils and sketch book in hand and he stole it away AGAIN. I don't want to break up with him every freaking day. it's not fun telling someone that you loved that they cant fix what is broken. there is NOTHING to revive, it's dead, and in the process of being buried. I was reading old stuff from 2005 the last time I was learning to be alone ( but not in the sense I am now) I was just learning how to live without a lover, I have never not had a lover or partner for more than a week or two since I was 14. Now I don't only not have a partner or lover or husband but my kids have all gone on to lead their own lives as well. So truly I am single now instead of single plus 3. I guess my dogs count becasue they do occupy my time and thoughts in part of the day. And I do have to make sure they are fed and watered and I do have to clean up their messes. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't like what I see right now, I see an aging lonely woman who has "let herself go" and i want to find me again. how to I put windows in those walls and eventually even a door (with the handle on my side only) I don't see the artist/anthropology student that I want to be, I see a girl trapped in an aging body who is a little off of her path and needs to find her way back to the journey.

reason for the season

7:34 AM - What is the reason for the season?

Winter Solstice

The Winter Solstice is a magical season . . . one that marks the journey from this year to the next, journeys of the spirit from one world to the next, and the magic of birth, death, and rebirth. The longest night of the year (December 21 in the Northern hemisphere), is reborn as the start of the solar year and accompanied by festivals of light to mark the rebirth of the Sun. In ancient Europe, this night of darkness grew from the myths of the Norse goddess Freya (also called Frigga)who sat at her spinning wheel weaving the fates, and the celebration was called Yule, from the Norse word Jul, meaning wheel. The Christmas wreath, a symbol adapted from Freya's "Wheel of Fate", reminds us of the cycle of the seasons and the continuity of life.

That the timing of the Christian celebration of the birth of Christ occurs in the Yule season is no coincidence. Christmas was once a movable feast, celebrated many different times during the year. The decision to establish December 25 as the "official" date of Christ's birth was made by Pope Julius I in the fourth century AD, hoping to replace the pagan celebration with the Christian one, since this date coincided with the pagan celebrations of Winter Solstice with the Return of the Sun Gods occurring throughout the world.

Numerous Christmas traditions derive from the earlier pagan celebrations. Yule, celebrating the birth or rebirth of a god of light, made use of fire, both in candles and the burning of a Yule log. The Christmas tree has its origins in the practice of bringing a live tree into the home so the wood spirits would have a place to keep warm during the cold winter months. Bells were hung in the limbs so you could tell when an appreciative spirit was present. Food and treats were hung on the branches for the spirits to eat and a five-pointed star, the pentagram, symbol of the five elements, was placed atop the tree.

What I want for christmas

Saturday, December 16, 2006 8:31 AM - What I want for christmas Every one keeps asking what I want for christmas - So here it is All my bills paid The dent that Sam put in my beautiful new truck, removed and painted to match a trip to catalina a trip to san diego a trip anywhere actually A big Yule Solstice Party a pair of brown shoes that Abbey wont eat A pretty Scarf for my hair Speakers for my computer Some CD's for my truck Lily hollbrook Barbara Striesand Jewel Rod Stewart Tickets to the theater Candles Most anything from this store http://www.magicalomaha.com/fairybooks.htm Pencils for drawing Canvas for painting Paint Brushes Sketchbook (travel size) Books Ann Moura Phyliss Currott Vintage from the thrift store Earrings - Silver Actually any silver jewelry A day trip to flea markets Windows for my boat A camping trailer for my truck (small tear drop kind would be most awesome) some furry boots and a furry jacket to match find my make up bag or new clinique makeup a hand written letter coffee with a friend anything Fairy, pagan, or nature minded. Anything that you want me to have to remind me of you!

where are you mr. Frazier

Thursday, November 30, 2006

10:16 AM - I miss him soooooo much! Where are you mr. Frazier So I found my niece on myspace and she tells me she found her dad but doesnt' tell me what's up with him------ I am going nuts I want to hop in the car and drive down there right now but I don't even know if he's there. Could you go 8 years without seing your brother? the one who loves you unconditionally and protects you and loves you with no requests for anything in return? gosh I miss him. He took the place of my father when my father died when I was 9 he was my best friend, my brother, my dad, my protector, my idol, and my hero - Where are you mr. frazier. I need you!..