things that make you go HMMMMMMMM?

1:30 PM - things that make you go HMMMMMMMM?

So for the first time in my memory I have been on multiple dates (with the same guy), without falling in love, giving all that I am or deciding it's def. not worth the time to do it again. Friendship first, what a concept! It's nice, comfortable, no pressure, no worries, no drama, no weird feelings and no desire to get married anytime soon. Am I finally maturing? I guess when you have a kid as young as I did it kinda handicaps the "dating scene". Do I pay for my own food? do I go buy a new outfit everytime we go out? I feel like a teenager again, so nervous and akward. It's been just about a month since we started becoming friends and I am not looking at wedding dresses, infact I am thinking about getting my own apartment again.

Tanner really blew it by ransacking my room while I was gone, I feel like I can't trust him anymore and I don't want to live where I don't feel comfortable and respected in the most basic sense. I understand he is just a kid but I don't like it anyway.

So it's kinda cool to have someone to talk to, hang out with, try new things with, without the pressure of a "relationship". I feel free, happy, intrigued, excited, and looking forward to the next time we meet again, but I am perfectly ok with it not being tomorrow. I enjoy my time alone, my painting time, my time with my sister, my jobs and soon enough school. I don't have to worry about hurting his feelings by having other things that are more important, because ultimately my goals are the MOST important thing to me. It's good that we share the idea that Family (our own kids) come first, jobs and schools second, me time third and if there is time left over than it's all good for date time. I just hope that he doesn't take that as a lack of interest, but I think we agree on it so I am not going to worry about it. What did he say today, oh "if its meant to happen it will" so there is no need to rush it.

I am still nursing my healing heart, I am still quite reserved and a little shy of having ANY feelings, let alone showing them if I did have them, so slow and easy is the course we are taking and I feel good about this. I don't want to be totally consumed by a guy ever again, I've let that happen three times in my life and it's turned out bad every time. I don't want to make decisions based upon how good it feels and I certainly don't want to just hand over the keys to my heart and soul again. I do, however, feel good when we are together but it's a much free-er feeling, not trying to make something happen or not, just being me, as silly and dimented as I am.

So here I sit going HMMMMMMMM, this is nice, this is easy, this is wierd. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.