something has changed

Not sure what it is, cant put my finger on it. Maybe it is because I said I couldn't tell sam I had an outside life, maybe it's because I have obvious physical desires, maybe it's because I had a bad day or maybe it's because I got sick and over emotional or it could possibly be that I just don't do "it" for him. I could be a million things, it could be just one thing, or it could be nothing at all, either way something is different.

Church, I feel I am being bombarded with it. Like it's beating my door down saying "if you don't come back your going to hell" and right now I feel like saying fine, send me to hell, at least I will learn something new there. I miss having "the faith", the personal relationship with an invisible man. It was nice to have that faith to lean on in times of despair, to know that "all things come together for good for those who love the lord" That no matter what was happening it was god's will and I just had to believe. Oh how nice it would be to go back to those days where I felt I belonged, the home and the warmth and comraderie of friends. The weekly bible studies where I would learn and teach. When I had valuable information to share with others, when I was looked to as a source of comfort and knowledge and compassion and inspiration.

Is that whats really bugging me? Is god bugging me? is that whats changed. The idea that maybe i was right about somethings once upon a time and I wasn't fooled or brainwashed by these money hunger power mongers that call them selves christian leaders?

What would the goddess say about this? What would the church say about my beliefs that we have the power within us to change our reality through the power of thought and that it's not a bad thing. What would the church say about my questioning of the whole foundation of the "church", would I be doomed to be prayed for, to be relieved of my demonic hold, for eternity. Would I have to denounce my naturistic beliefs to come back to the church? I am sure i wouldn't be welcomed in the christian singles group with open arms.

Where is my mind going? I think I need to expand my options again. i think I got to focused on somethings that seemed to fit perfectly but aren't neccesarily meant to Fit at the moment. I am feeling like a pest all of a sudden and I don't like this feeling, it's not working for me.

Marcelo and I are doomed, neither one of us seem to be able to find anyone that ever meets our expectations or desires. Nobody can ever be as good as a friend as he is, He is ALWAYS there for me, I hope he does find someone someday that can love him as he deserves to be loved but she better be good to him. but I think it's more about the fact that we don't want to settle and maybe I am just not ready. I need more time alone, i need to get more out of me than I have been. I need to paint instead of daydream of frogs and fairy tales or read or write. So this is my commitment to myself. I promise I will not pester, nag, bother, intrude, invite myself, push myself, interfere, or otherwise make myself an annoyance to anyone. If I am wanted, I am easily found. This goes for kids, friends, moms, sisters, more than friend friends, or anyone else that I conversing with.