winter solstice 2005

Well the year has been coming to a close/end/darkness/ etc. for the past 6 months now. This couldn't be more true in my life. Since June 21st my life has gone through a downward spiral, spinning out all the people that don't really care or weren't getting what they thought they wanted from me. Spinning out all the material things which have come to have no value in my life, spinning out all the dirty water, slowly spiraling down to the bottom. I feel it. It's coming to an end, things are going to get better very soon, the sun will start shining again more and more each day after the darkness of tomorrow. The longest night - the longest darkness, the longest loneliness and then......... it gets better, it gets warmer and the earth starts bearing her fruit.

I know it's coming, and I can rejoice in the darkness of now because I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can rejoice in the lonliness of now because I see myself in the mirror and I am starting to like what i see, I can rejoice in the lack of material things because I now know what is truly important to me and what I can't live without. I can rejoice in all the trouble and chaos, and even the loss and destruction because I have made it through to the very darkest of days and it's only going to get better from here.

I can look forward to spring, the new life, new found love of myself and my own world that is a creation all of my own doing. I am alone, I am hurt, I am poor, I am sad and yet I love who I am spending all my time with these days, my pain is dissepating and it didn't kill me, I am rich with the love of my kids and closest friends who have walked through this fire with me (marshmelo, rex, sammy, mom, jen, tony & katie), I am happy with who I have become and who I am and NO ONE can ever take that away from me again. Those who have left me in this dark time didn't really deserve me anyhow, they are truly the ones who have lost something because I have gained me.

So I embrace this winter solstice with a big warm hug and bright moonlit smile.