do you exist?

My own writings tell me that if you want somethng in life you have to focus intently on it. To Manifest; I must write it out. Here I will beging the manifestation of a partner for me. In great detail I can now go, knowing what I have truly enjoyed in my relationship with jojo and what I have found since, that displeases me.

I seek a partner that enjoys the simplest of life; the sound of frogs, and crickets, the ocean crashing against the shore, a babling broor or a soft waterfall. A partner that adores my smile, one that smiles upon the sight of me, whom I lift upon the clouds with my love and passion. I want to bring happiness to someonne. This someonewill find the good in life and other people, this one will not find pleasure in the degredation of others but will seek out what is good and right with people of the world, regardless of class, skin color, race, or religion, but will judge upon the choices and actions of people.

This one will accept, acknowledge and encourage self actualization and quest for knowledge of other religions and my developing spirtual beliefts. Possible another former christian who would undestand and empathize with my loss of faith in one god.

This one will have a passion for sailingand will share my desire to sail around the world. A passion for learning is also desired as well as acceptance and encouragement of my educational goals. This one will be an artist of some sort and will share their knowledge and passion with me and others.

my lover will excite me and my passions, and we will fee equally comfortable in eachothers presence without clothing, masks, inhibitions and insecurities. This love will enjoy me in my nakedness yet not desire to share it with anyone else. Manogomy is desired. This love will befriend my children and adore them as well as having had children of their own, one who loves their children as I do mine and wh is able to be free of the daily responsibilities of them within a few years. This man will be taller than me, and will be about the same size, I would love to share levi's. A lover of the sun and in good health to handle the sailing, skydiving, hiking, swimming. Hair should be long to run my fingers through and play with at night. This man will be born in the 60's who has an understanding of my upbringing as a child of a flower child and has compassion for my relationships with my faimly, he should have family of his own so that he will truly understand the ups and downs of family relationships.

He will let me inside his head and share his thoughts with me. He wont' keep secrets yet will respect privacy and space, he will be funny and make me laugh and he will enjoy my silly side. He will like to eat my cooking and will at times cook for me. We will be equals in the household and will teach me when I don't know how to do something and will accept my teaching as well when I have more experience or knowledge. he wont compete with me but he will push me to be the very best I can and will expect the same from me. His passion for the ocean will equal or outweigh mine never wanting to be long from her. He will either have a boat already or will share the same focus of getting or building one to sail from port to port around all the shores of the world. If he comes along after I have gotten my boat he will feel at home on her and lover her as I do. He will like or tolerate my love for VW busses and my desire to shed material possesions. he will love us more than anything he owns and will be committed to the relationship equally as I. He will enjoy my love of fairies and mermaids and will have similar passions of his own. He will encourage me to write and will be content eith the fact that some of it is not meant to be read but will be interested in reading what I offer. he wont be a jealous man, he will know and accept my love but he will value me and my love and not do harm to me and our relationship. He will be slow to anger and easy to please. He will have character and respect from and towards those we meet. He will share his dreams, passions and life with me, he will never feel superior or inferior to me. He will cherish me and my love. He will be my friend above all things and will love me with a passion that fulfills me but does not suffocate me or hinder me. I will not be a burden to him but a partner. Money will not be an issue between us as either there will be plenty to share or our struggle will be equal in giving all that we have. He will not be a lazy man but will appreciate hard work as well as a nap in the afternoon.

he will enjoy all types of musice and will tolerate my tastes as varied as they are. He will enjoy talking good of me and will not find pleasure in degrading me or making fun of me, he will accept my head strong ways and will not be turned off by my intensities. I will not scare him or push him away with my love and passion but he too will be excited by our relationship and will allow it to take it's natural course however fast or slow that may be. My impulsiveness will delight him and my ever changing interests will keep him entertained. Did I mention his LONG HAIR and passion for art and music and learning. His face will be weathered from the sun and his skin will be pleasing to the touch, his eyes will tell stories of past lives and loves but will brighten when they gaze into mine. I will see my future in his eyes and we will sail the world together very soon.

he will like to play scrabble and rummy. This one will be content in silence and please with a quiet smile a simple touch and mad and passionate lovemaking. affection will be given and recieved in perfect balance.

Jesus Christ Superstar

I was watching one of my favorite shows the other night - Jesus Christ Superstar with Ted Neely
(he is still the Hottest Jesus I have ever seen) Anyhow it occurred to me that if Jesus was the "Almighty God" Why did he only visit a small portion of the world? why didn't he reveal himself to china, Native America, or other places on the earth. Why was Jerusuelum so special??

winter solstice 2005

Well the year has been coming to a close/end/darkness/ etc. for the past 6 months now. This couldn't be more true in my life. Since June 21st my life has gone through a downward spiral, spinning out all the people that don't really care or weren't getting what they thought they wanted from me. Spinning out all the material things which have come to have no value in my life, spinning out all the dirty water, slowly spiraling down to the bottom. I feel it. It's coming to an end, things are going to get better very soon, the sun will start shining again more and more each day after the darkness of tomorrow. The longest night - the longest darkness, the longest loneliness and then......... it gets better, it gets warmer and the earth starts bearing her fruit.

I know it's coming, and I can rejoice in the darkness of now because I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can rejoice in the lonliness of now because I see myself in the mirror and I am starting to like what i see, I can rejoice in the lack of material things because I now know what is truly important to me and what I can't live without. I can rejoice in all the trouble and chaos, and even the loss and destruction because I have made it through to the very darkest of days and it's only going to get better from here.

I can look forward to spring, the new life, new found love of myself and my own world that is a creation all of my own doing. I am alone, I am hurt, I am poor, I am sad and yet I love who I am spending all my time with these days, my pain is dissepating and it didn't kill me, I am rich with the love of my kids and closest friends who have walked through this fire with me (marshmelo, rex, sammy, mom, jen, tony & katie), I am happy with who I have become and who I am and NO ONE can ever take that away from me again. Those who have left me in this dark time didn't really deserve me anyhow, they are truly the ones who have lost something because I have gained me.

So I embrace this winter solstice with a big warm hug and bright moonlit smile.

sorry guys - gotta buy your own beer!

Dear kymberley,
Here is your single's love horoscope
for Wednesday, December 14:

There's no need to spend a fortune to impress that cutie you're after. And if you do need to break the bank, perhaps this isn't the person for you. Besides, shouldn't you be using that money toward more immediate needs?

Currently listening:
Too Fast For Love

am I invisible?

I am beginning to wonder if I am a figment of my own imagination. Some friends just dissappear overnight, no explanation, no return calls, no emails. Teachers forget who I am, emails go unread, unreturned, phone goes silent.

Did I fall off the face of the earth and someone forgot to tell me?

waiting for the perfect...........................

I have been applying for jobs like crazy, as well as scholarships, and registering for classes all independent of eachother, opening myself up to what ever opportunities may come my way. Well, I have been offered like 9 jobs now but it is unbelievable what has happened. During my job search I decided to only schedule classes on Tuesday and Thursday to leave more work days open so I could find more work for more money for more stability and less dependence on everyone around me.

When I applied at the new college I decided to re-take my assesments just to see what I have learned over the last year. Well, it seems as though I am smart! who woulda thunk it. I scored very high on reading, english, and so so in math. Enough to be awarded the Honors Program. I am carrying 15 units and I go from 8am - 7pm on these days and I got almost every class I wanted, I just couldn't swing the ceramics class. I am taking Anthropology, Art, English, Algebra and American History. I am very excited about each class. My art class is in three-dimensional design and is the longest class with 3 hours each day. The Anthro Class is just general Anthro but they weren't offering any others this semester so I took what I could. My English Class is the Highest Class you can test into. Woo Hoo - lots of writing coming up I am sure. The other classes Algebra and History are requirements that I must get out of the way. I am not too hip on American History, I am afraid I will disagree with the teacher on many subjects. I have my own opinions about our government and how it was founded and what has become of us. I hope that the class can give me new insight, I will try to keep an open mind, however I walked out of my last history class on the first day and that was when I was still "christian" Imagine how I will be these days.

So back to the unbelievable part as if the above wasn't enough. I ran into an old accquaintance from 17 years ago or so and we were talking about my job search, he told me there might be an opening in his company come march, blah blah blah but it turns out that someone is leaving and left a gaping hole that needs to be filled. Amazingly enough, I have the skills to fill the position AND>>>>>>>>>>>> I can work Mon, Wed, Fri, Sunday - which means - I have a full time job, with benefits, AND A full School Schedule AND I still get Saturday's OFF! - Holy shit! Thank the Goddess for giving me the perserveance to just keep trying and looking till I found EXACTLY what I wanted and NEEDED.

I couldn't be happier - Anxious to start, work, school, Saturdays for me! I am one happy camper right now!

Just wish that a certain friend named Mike would call me - and no NOT my exhusband Mike - eewwweeewwww that would be gross.