I tried three times yesterday to post to my blog here but when it would post only the title would show and my writings would be lost - I rewrote this two times;
I was disturbed today (during class mind you) by a phone call from mr. sailorman. Someone posted something mean on his website that I had no knowledge of and he thought it was me. He said it had all the trademarks of my writing. He even emailed me some real sarcastic remarks too. It bothers me that he would think that I am that kind of person. Yet he thought of my writings, I wonder what was written? I can't get that out of my mind, and I hadn't thought of him in weeks. I had forgotten all about his rejection and realized that it was truly his loss that he didn't know me. He didn't take the time to see who I really am before he brushed me aside. Yet, I opened myself up to him; why do I do that? Why do I give of myself so freely to people who dont really deserve it? He could have deserved it - but I didn't make him earn it - I just gave it away - therefore devaluing my soul. Hmmm writing this is really helping in addition to some wise words from a true friend. When I meet someone I usually make an immediate judgement wether I could let them in or not, a select few have been given free reign inside my soul, I open all the doors, let down all the walls and say "here I am." I see now that I am not allowing these people to get to know me as they should, slowly, bit by bit. Earning my trust so that I don't have this feeling of rejection. I fell in love with that boat damn it.
Why did he call me - why would he think of me? I thought he would never think of me again. It bothers me - do I give the impression of a mean and vengeful person? He distracted me from my pain of jojo leaving me - but just for a few days really. I tried to immerse myself in the Harbor to distract myself of the pain that I was suffering. Jojo hurt me more than I thought he could, so I found someone else to fall into. Him pushing me away was probably the best thing that has happened to me lately. Thank the Gods that he didn't allow me to escape into his dream, because I wanted too. I really wanted to just sail away into his world and never come back to reality. I could have dropped everything I was working towards and followed him and his dream and yet again I would be living someone elses dream.
I am making my own dreams now. I really glad that I have figured out a way to focus solely on my education and get my degree then I can dissappear into my own dream. My own new reality and live MY story. Not another mans story. the shitty thing is if he would have called and said that he missed me and wanted to see me I probably would have gone to be with him and i would have just layed myself out for him to take all over again. I might even find a way not to move to SF- I have been trying so hard to find a way to stay here to continue at Palomar. Palomar has the best damn art department and Sam really wants to finish high school at SDHS - I wish I could make that happen but it's just not possible. No prince charming is going to come along and make it easy for me - I am going to have to work for it and it's probably better that way.
So good bye mr. sailor man. Sorry you think so poorly of me, sorry you didn't want to really know me but i think i am going to be just fine and maybe even have a boat of my own to sail around the world.
Then I found his page this morning and read the comment, the grammar was all wrong and the statements are not anything that I would ever write and it doesn't look my writing at all - to me at least. I wonder why he thought it was me - damn it it's bugging me so badly I could scream. Why did he call and email, what are his real motives? To infect my brain again? To get back under my skin? Why couldn't he have just forgotten about me as I had forgotten about him? Why damnit? Why? Just go away and leave me be - I erased his email AGAIN and his phone call from my phone - I don't want to email him anymore - I don't want to open myself up again, but I did, I told him all about me and my life AGAIN. He doesn't care, why did I offer that information? Why couldn't I have just said "I forgot all about you - I didn't write anything about you, I don't have time for that and then just hang up? Damn it Damn it Damn it - why do I let him in, over and over? I only knew him a couple weeks yet he infected my soul. But the more I think about the more I realize it wasn't him really. It was the boat and the dream, he would have just been an added perk. I really want to sail around the world and his boat would have made it very comfortable. But I don't need that big of a boat, I really want something smaller - just for one person to handle on their own. I don't need all that luxury - I just need enough room to paint and draw when the wind is still.
I will find something but after being on the windchime all other boats pale in comparison. It sucks that I have even been there, it's like going to the most expensive model home before you see the cheaper ones. The windchime is gorgeous, 6 beautiful staterooms, a full size galley, nice bathrooms and more deck space than most homes, I could actually be on that boat and not see him for days if I wanted too. I wanted to care for that boat. I felt like the boat and him had manifested me to take care of them both, it sucked ass when he decided that he didn't want me - he wanted someone with more "Class". There are other boats - one that is better suited to my needs and better men - one that appreciates me and my rough edges, my passion for life, my quirky creative side and appreciates my nurturing nature. A partner to share this journey with. Someone who will love me as passionately as I love them but who will be my friend first and foremost.
someone, someday, some boat, will be mine - I can wait - I have all the time in the world.
