come sail away

I went to the beach the other day - just wandering around, trying to clear my head and heal my wounded heart, looking for a sign i.e. "houseboat for rent $500" or something similarly ridiculous, to no avial.

So I picked up the paper and sat down at a picnic table and stared at the small wooden sailboat in front of me. The boat I was looking at had recently returned from a solo trip to Nova Scotia by an 83 year old man sailing alone, according to the article in the paper I was reading - to my surprise he appeared suddenly on the boat. I couldn't find my sketch book so I grabbed some flyers and started sketching away furiously on the blank backs. As I was letting the pencil guide me a woman sat down next to me and started attempting to yell over to the boat owner " Bob.....How much longer???...... he didn't hear her and she huffed and sighed a little and then made some comment about how she wonders if he loves the boat more than her. We started talking and she is Mary Ellen... Wife of Bob. The wife that stayed behind while Bob sailed halfway around the world all by himself. 9 months he was gone, 9 months she waited for him at home, taking care of the bills, finances and all that other stuff that gets left behind while someone vetures off to follow their dream.

Of all the things she could have told me about the hardships of his journey ....... She only had to say that she missed him. There were weeks at a time when he couldn't call her and she missed waking up next to him in the morning. She has loved her husband for the last 56 years and she was so happy and proud that he was able to follow his life long dream. He had a second love in his life - that of the boat - his mistress as she called it. But she says she always knew that he would come home to her and that it was her love and support that gave him the confidence to follow his dreams. She knew her place in his life and was happy to occupy it.

Bob and Mary Ellen had 8 children and though I don't know much about them I would assume that they too have had all the love and support to follow their dreams. Mary Ellen finds herself in supporting her family to become all that they can be and she shares in their successes. Tears welled up in my eyes as he came ashore and told her that he was ready to go now. She introduced me to her husband and said..."This girl has a dream too..... She wants to sail away someday to the far reaches of the earth and explore the world."

Bob Smiled at me and said "You can do it! Learn as much as you can from someone willing to teach you. Absorb all the information you can and then just DO IT!" They kissed and smiled and wished me well on my journey and walked away into the sunset.


This had to be one of the most memorable conversations in my lifetime and will and has already spawned a few sketches, drawings, paintings, a search and many many questions.

What if I would have had the support, love and encouragement of two parents like that? What kind of person would I be? What if my marriage would have been strong like that? Will I ever find a love like that? Am I doomed to failed relationships for the rest of my life? Can I really follow my dreams? Will anyone ever love me for the rest of my life, through good times and bad, through injuries and illnesses, through happiness and success as well as failled attempts? Does love like that exist?


The next day I woke up cranky and in a bad mood, I layed in bed for a while and cried that I was alone in this huge bed with noone to hold me and tell me it was all going to be OK. I went to school and muddled through the day, when it came time to take the kids to work I thought I would go back to the beach insearch of that sign, up and down streets I drove, again to no avail. The sunset was amazing and I sat at the pier parking lot until it dissappeared into the horizon. I decided to go back to the harbor and stare at Bob & Mary Ellens boat for a while.

I still had 4 more hours till I had to pick up the kids and I was hungry and my head was filled with many more thoughts, questions, hurts, dissappoinments, and desires. So I walked along the harbor and saw a sign for Bacon Cheesburger with Fries for $4.50 - a bit much for my small pittance but I figured it would be better than a double cheese from McDonalds and it would be nice to sit down and eat at that harbor. The place turned out to be a cantina (BAR) but I stayed anyway and ordered my burger and Diet Coke. Out of nowwhere there appeared a man next to me sitting at the bar having a beer watching the football game, he was talking to another guy to his right down the bar about his boat and his journey that would begin in October of 2007. My ears must have stood up on end, like Penny's do when she hears a coyote. I eavesdropped while eating my burger, what a bad girl I am. I don't recall how him and I started talking but we did, just chit chat small talk stuff about how I have always planned on "taking off" in November of 2007 when I turn 40 and my youngest daughter turns 18. How I want to go meet the peoples of the world and not have a cell phone or an address or any responsibilities other than my daily needs.

I finished my burger and went outside to have a smoke before I paid my bill and began to leave but something told me to go back in, So I went back in and told him goodbye, "it was nice talking with you and Good luck on your Journey. He asked where I was going and I just blurted out "I need to walk off my burger" hehehehe what a goofy girl I am. He said "can I join you?" and I said "Sure" - as the butterflies in my tummy started fluttering about and I felt a little dizzy.

We walked along the beach and he asked if I wanted to go look at his boat from across the harbor so we walked over to the docks and he said "do you see it? it's right there". My night vision is horrible and even though it was clear outside I had a hardtime making out the outlines. I saw something that looked like a kayak and I was thinking "wow, that's a little small to sail around the world" but i didn't say it. He could tell I was stuggling to make it out and he pointed to the mast. I looked at it and started looking up towards the top of it - It was a long look because the mast is freaking HUGE!, I was still trying to figure out what I was looking at and then it started to come together, - those weren't 3 kayaks next to eachother at the end of the dock, that was ALL one Boat. My stomach started jumping in chaos as I began to put the pieces together. This was the largest sail boat I had ever seen. (i feel as if I am rocking on the water right now thinking about it)

It IS the largest privately owned boat in the harbor and it's owner was putting his arms around me to warm me as the fog started rolling in. I couldn't speak....... words were just flying around in my head but thoughts couldn't be formed much less words. He grabbed my hand and said Let's go Aboard!

I only had about 45 minutes untill I had to leave to pick up the kids but I decided we could make it if I picked up my car and drove over there, he said he would meet me at the end of the dock. I started to seriously wonder if there was alcohol in my diet coke, I felt tipsy, giddy, overwhelmed. When I got to the dock we walked down to his boat and it was even bigger than I had imagined. The deck goes on forever, he gave me the grand tour of the 6 staterooms and the main "Salon", I checked out the galley and decided it was big enough for me to cook a turkey in there. Why is it that I always think of those things when I see a kitchen? What would it be like to cook thanksgiving dinner in here?

We went back up on the deck and I told him I had to go, he didn't want me too, I didn't want too. Why can't the kids drive themselves? He grabbed me like out of a 50's movie and kissed me with a passion I hadn't felt in a very long time. I felt his kiss in my toes and everywhere inbetween. My heart was beating so fast I was getting dizzy again. This couldn't be happening to me could it? I had to go, I couldn't leave the kids waiting for me as this man swept me off my feet and carried me away into the horizon like the sun just a few hours earlier. I really didn't want to go but I did and I couldn't contain myself, I just burst into tears as I drove away.

Oh shit! Here I go again, getting carried away by some man, yet again. But this was different, we have a common dream, we both have kids, teenage kids, and we are both very wounded right now. We are older, more mature, more experienced, at what I am not quite sure. Could this really be different? Am I going to fuck it up? Am I going to scare him away with my wounded heart? Am I going to rush into fast? Is my dismal financial status going to put him off? How do I make this work? How do I make this happen? Do I MAKE it happen or just sit back and see what develops? holy crap, how do I do this? What should I do now?

We met again on Thursday while the kids were working again. We layed in the nets and watched the sunset and talked and talked till it was time to go. He invited me out on Sunday for a ride on the Sailboat, he was having a party to celebrate the new Spinnaker for the boat and I was invited.........