omg I just had an epiphany

I have been studying, painting and reading between naps today when I came across a statement in my cultural anthropology book where it states that Cultural Anthropological research is the summed up by saying that it is immersion into other cultures, meeting new people, living and interacting with new people and often making friends. Or something like that but It was amazing. When I have talked about my desire to travel when I turn 40 I have often stated that I wanted to really get to know new people and new places all over the world. That there wasn't a place I wouldn't want to go because every culture has something to offer and something to be learned about how they survive or thrive in thier environment. I have been saying that since Samantha was born. That I wanted to dissappear for at least 2 years and study the world. If I continue in my anthropological studies I could really live out my dream. Maybe that is what I have been trying to tell myself what my purpose was but I didn't know it. Maybe this is the plan that was always made for me to study the different cultures as a career. Instead of allowing a zillion people to live with me to fill that whole inside me. I thrive off of people and the study of thier personalities, strengths and faults and why they are who they are and what do I have to learn from them.

I really feel this inside my bones that its what I am meant to do. Wow - i know what I want in life for the first time. what feels right, I just don't know how to react to this epiphany - probably keep it to my self.

only the dragonlady knows

is it possible - could you have sensed what was happening? i find it odd that you reached out to someone when I was calling out for a someone to reach inside. Could it have been me? Or am i just setting myself up for failure right now. is it even healthy to be thinking these thoughts. If it is a open hand I would gladly take it although a little cautiously but still I have wanted this for so long. Not even neccisarily you but someone like you. Some one my own age, with thier own life that I don't have to fix or save or rescue. Someone to share in the joys of the birds chirping out side my window, the beautiful colors of the wildflowers that overtaking my fence. The ocean in the dark of the night. Maturity and the gray hairs. the understanding of true and pure friendship with no strings to be pulled. Oh wouldn't it be great if you were just you and I were just me minus all the other crap that we threw in there. I am in need of a friend right now. Someone who can relate to the inward spiral and the outward spiral and the upward and downward spiral all happening at the same time. Both of our lives have changed so very much, is it possible to start from today, to clear away all the ugliness that we both created for eachother? Am I dreaming unrealistically? Am I inviting pain? well shit isn't it time to let go of all that? I think (which isn't saying much) that we have so much to offer in the friendship world just you and me, dancing in the moonlight, toasting to the sun, and finding a little solice in this crazy messed up world. But then again maybe I am wrong. I will wait for a nod.

From what I heard you think I did something to hurt you recently and i have to tell you from every bone in my body that I didn't. I could have but I cared more about the project than getting revenge. I cared more about the team than getting the win. The file still sits in my cabinet never signed, never an effort to make it come true. Oh there were thoughts but I put them aside for the greater good and putting the pettiness aside. All in hopes that you would know, I couldn't every really do anything to hurt you. But someone else did and put my name out there as a possible suspect. I may have had motive but not the means, the balls or desire to tear you down. I just wanted you to notice me in my absence. I just want you to notice me now.

2003 americana

6:41 PM - Americana this is about patriotism and has nothing to do with !@$%

This is gonna be a long one. It's been brewing for a while and i just wanted to make sure it was all formulated in my head before writing it out but that isn't working.

Being a precint inspector for the elections on March 2 and then going to the citizenship ceremony on March 9th has really affected me and my position on this earth, in this community and how my presence affects those around me.

There is so much more to being an american than just being free to do whatever the hell you want too.

Date: Mar 10, 2004 04:09 PM
Subject: Americana
Body: Yesterday I went to Jojo's citizenship ceremony and i have to say i was truly in awe. There were 1,053 people from 86 countries that have fought hard and fair and legal to come to this country to have the freedoms, rights, privlidges and opportunities that you and i were born with. We did not choose to be american born but we were - we are allowed to worship any god we want or in my case no god at all - we can think and feel and dream without persecution - yet we do nothing in response - only 13% of us voted last week - that disgusts me.

We are born with certain freedoms and we are born with certain responsibilities to our community, country and neighbors. There were people there yesterday from Afganastan, Iraq and Iran - gaining their citizenship into our country that has liberated theirs.

Do you know what 80% of those new citizens did as soon as they came out the doors? They registered to VOTE!

Voting is our right and it's our responsibility to the future not just our future but our childrens - grandchildrens - triple great grandchild - centuries of history are determined at every election and it is your birth right and duty to voice your opinon.

It's ok to have an opinon here in this country and it's not only OK to voice it but encourgaged -

Please register to vote - please take an hour of your life and do some research into the issues and people that we are voting for and VOICE YOUR OPINION.

If i hear one more gen x er complain about their life, cost of living, lack of work, tyranny of the cops against skating and then say they have never voted- i will scream - how many of you that feel persecuted by the cops actually voted last week.

Do you know we were voting for a mayor of San Diego?
Do you know how each candidate feels about skating on city property?

GET MOTIVATED AND DO SOMETHING!

if you would like more information on any current US, California or San Diego issues please let me know what your question is and i will do my best to find answers for you - both democratic and republican. I my self am republican because i believe that the government has no business telling me how to live my life or raise my children. We need less government - less taxes and more personal opportunity.

things are shakin

4:01 AM - things are shakin

Wow what a great couple of weeks, I rescheduled my Exam so I should be licensed just in time to go back to work. I made my first Purse, I finished 3 sketches and think I have the body thing down now - Very excited about that. I have written a little. I have made 2 more wands. I got my first "interventional radiology treatment" today ( just a little steroid injection in the spine) - Oh yeah the Doc says - well if it hurts real bad then you know we got the right spot (nerve) If you can't feel a thing well then I screwed up. Yes it hurt, brought tears to my eyes but it was short and the pain was quickly forgotten upon my return to my paper and pencils. Only problem is that Steroids make me mad, angry and a little "puffed" up. I really enjoy solitude when I feel like this. that's why I cant wait to get my own studio. I don't think I can make the gallery opening if I don't get some alone time soon. Especially since everytime I work on the digital work it gets lost. I really need my OWN computer and space where no one can distract me. I get so easily distracted in other peoples lives. I think that's why I watched Soaps so much cuz it was so easy to loose myself and my intentions for 3 hours. Too bad they still don't have that same effect on me. Now i need pencils, paper, sewing machines, clay, ovens, irons, paints and huge canvas'. I am being consumed by this desire to create. Trouble is I have about 40 unfinished projects that are all waiting for something. Wether its the fabric from england or the crystals from brazil or the armature wire that has seemed to dissapear from the earth. I need to get organized but since we are moving in such a short time that there is really no sense.

I am so looking forward to the time when I get to be there alone - ahhhh soon - soon soon.

Jessica's 18th birthday is Monday - She will be come her own woman - What is she going to do with herself? I wonder.

So anyhow - Cali is my home for at least the next 3 years then who knows where my art will lead me. Looking forward to the house warming party though!

It must have been the Crue

Monday, March 21, 2005


12:12 AM - It must have been the Crue

Ok so I hear Motley Crew is going on tour a while ago and all of a sudden I want to bleach my hair platnium white and throw on my leather jacket and hang out at the rainbow then today when Jojo leaves me a lone in a house with hair dye, siccors and Aqua Net. Well the Big Hair just had to come back. I love it.! Haven't been this happy with a hair cut since I had extensions put in a LA Rocks Hair Salon in 1985. So if you see me bouncing around downtown tomorrow look for silly girl who is picking daisies, It might be me. I will be basking in the sunshine and reveling in the beauty that Jessica turned 18 Safely and is more than I could have asked for in a daughter, its the beginning of Spring, I love my hair, I love my boyfriend and he loves me more than I thought he did, My dog is healthy and chomping on bones again, I am moving to the most amazing home on 3 acres overlooking vineyards, citrus groves, and a beautiful valley, Bathing in the pride of my son enjoying his journey through life finally and being able to provide everything my youngest one needs (not every thing she wants but everything she will need to be happy and successful too). The divine has certainly touched my life lately. I have seen the goddess come alive this last week as the sun returns to rule the day. I am so looking foward to playing outdoors again with sand in my toes and seaweed in my hair.

Thank you Jessica! Happy Birthday

I rise before the sun

7:04 AM - I rise before the sun

I rise before the sun to welcome her to my world each morning. her warmth and energy exicte me and charge my senses. My view is beautiful, I carry it with me where ever I go. The birds sing to me, the snake comes to greet me, the owls protect me at night and the abundance of produce around me reminds me that our mother earth provides us with all our needs and sustanence. I am home now in my beautiful plot of paradise. I feel blessed by the Goddess.

I am having a difficult time adjusting to lack of funds during this transition, on one side I feel comfortable with my poverty living off the land and look forward to having nothing better to do than to play in the creek and walk through the orchards and enjoy my surroundings on the other side I feel sorrow and sadness that i do not have the funds to provide all that my children want/need. I havent had more than $20 at any one time over the last two months and there is no end to lack of funds until July after Sams birthday. If I can just get through Prom, graduation, 18th and 16th birthdays, braces, and drives to school then I will have the summer to enjoy.

I had to put off my gallery opening until July, I just haven't had the time or funds to complete what I feel is neccessary before I present my completed works to the world. Of course there are those that say I am just making excuses but I want my opening to reflect all that I am and that is just not possible on this time/money budget. I need to take care of my kids first.

I have been wanting to journal the thoughts and feeling that I have when I lay down and watch the world unfold to me each morning and night however I have really enjoyed just being in the moment and not escaping from it into my journal.

21 years

8:42 AM - 21 years

Once upon a time there was a little stoner chick (Tattel), she was in 8th grade, the captain of the cheerleading team and a true stoner at heart, she had a mom and a step dad and a pool in the backyard and lived in a pretty nice part of town. Then one day the evil sea hag decided that she didn't want that life any more and ripped the little girl from everything she knew and moved her to the yucky part of town in tiny little house and a new school (the rival school). This was not the first time that the sea hag had ripped Tattels life from her, The Sea hag had a long history of stealing Tattels world.

No one at the new school liked Tattel and since she didn't have a car she couldn't really keep in touch with the other friends besides she was embarrassed and sad because the evil sea hag had morphed again and was partying, getting drunk, hooking up with all sorts of people, doing unspeakable things and the little girl couldn't face all of her previous friends.

One day when she was walking home from school she met a really freaky looking group of boys, cute but freaky, with peacock blue Mohawk, big flock of seagulls hair, shaved heads, tri color heads, and they were all cute as hell. There was Doodle who was tall and blonde, he had a girlfriend and was always competing with Ezel but had a very special relationship with Tattel, he was very protective. And there was Razzle the cutest of them all but almost too cute, like a very pretty man but definitely MAN. And there were a couple of Joz; both became very good friends of Tattel in very different ways. One of the Joz was very feminine and he had a secret friendship with Tattel. They would discuss things that no one else could hear, Tattel loved Joz because she knew how tormented he was. The other Joz became one of Tattels favorite friends, he was a lot of fun and took Tattel on crazy rides on the motorcycle and even let Tattel drive it. He trusted Tattel with many things. They were in high school or seniors, they were cool and they were hot. The little girl started hanging out with them and getting high in the PR (party room). She fell in love with one of them, (Ezel) he was so sweet, funny, cute, and enough weird to keep her interested. This became her new world filled with all sorts of cool new people that welcomed Tattel into their world. One of the boys had a girlfriend that was really cool, she was funny too and had a very unique outlook on the world and she became the little girls best friend. They would write marathon letters to each other because Luna was older and went to high school too not the yucky junior high that Tattel went to. Luna was smart like Tattel and they would talk about life, the origins of the world, read books, and go for very long walks and talk for days on end.

Luna lived on the top of "snob hill", she had an older sister Lizella that was also one of the girlfriends of this group of really hot punks. Luna and Lizella had an older brother, Juno, was the ultimate in coolness because he had already graduated from school and was too cool for our crowd. The three of them lived in their beautiful 2-story home, with their parents. They had a yellow kitchen, a formal living room, they dressed for dinner and breakfast was on the table every morning when they woke up. It was Tattel’s fantasy to be adopted by them and live there forever. But Tattel knew that wasn't possible so she made a promise to herself that she would provide that lifestyle for her kids one day, even down to the yellow kitchen.

That summer was the greatest summer of Tattel’s life, she had a great group of friends, and Ezel's mother was kind and nurturing to Tattel, and Luna loved Tattel and would have done anything for her. Summers came and went and school came and went and Tattel tried as hard as she could to destroy everything good in her life. She hurt Ezel on several occasions, she lied to Luna to hide her jealousy, and she was lashing out at everything around her because her home life was so sad and lonely. Tattel ended up getting pregnant by an evil wizard, and she got into ugly drugs and was tearing her life apart. Ezel saw what was happening and tried to stop her. He declared his undying love for Tattel and tried everything he could to get the little girl to marry him and live happily ever after. But Tattel couldn't understand that love and she was mean to Ezel. Then she just disappeared. She didn’t ever see any of the punks again, she thought of them often. She wondered how they were doing, if they ever thought of her, why they never came after her and just let her slip away.

Tattel searched for them in the cyber world very often, she tried every name she could remember and always came up empty handed. This disturbed Tattel because these were the best group of people Tattel had ever known and Tattel had based all of her relationships off of these relationships. Tattel tried to model her life after Luna and Lizella’s life.

Finally Luna showed up in the cyber world and Tattel got in touch with her. Tattel was saddened by the stories that Luna had told her. There were so many heartbreaks, lost children, destroyed friendships, etc. Tattel couldn’t deal with that because Tattel had tried so very hard to live her life the best she could after the ugliness that she had brought to that group. This haunted Tattel for the next decade.

Tattel moved back to the southern pond about 18 years after she left. She would often drive up to the PR for the next two years but couldn’t get the nerve to knock on the door, last weekend when she was at a Pleasure Faire she couldn’t control the urge to visit them and face her past in order to move on in a more complete future. She wanted to know if Ezel's failed relationships were due to her indiscretion and abuse of their relationship and if she could do anything to fix it. She loved Ezel and wanted happiness and peace for him. She was haunted by this unsettled feeling.

So she found her motivation and got the nerve to knock………….And a new story begins!


The story is over Ezel is unreachable, Tattel spent a few days with ezel, he went back to the pleasure faire with her the following weekend and it was as if no time had passed and all was forgiven and forgotten. They played in the fields and walked and talked like old lovers would but there was a sadness. Ezel is comfortable in his addictions and has not found the power to overcome them. Tattel went to see him a couple of weeks later on his birthday. She gave him a copy of her creed.....Desertada.... he didn't get it....clouded by the addiction, she tried to reach his soul but it is scarred and seemingly unreachable. She was saddened and had to say goodbye all over again. The story has ended for now but hope remains that truth will reach him and the glory of life will return to his soul.

I miss you ed and hope that you are able to break through those walls and come out of your cave and experience the world again.

I am a new College Student!

I completed my educational plan today and formally finished my registration. I am taking a full class load to get my AA in Psychology with transfer for Fine Arts. I think I want a double major in Psych and Arts. I really want to be a professional artist but I am not sure if I have the talent. I guess I will find out soon enough though.

I love doing my artwork, it is sooo relaxing for me, I am able to really focus on one thing. Which is hard for me in any other situation.

So I am going to go to college, this conservative, open minded, rush limbaugh listening, ex christian, pagan is diving into the Liberal world. Will my therories and thoughts be changed? Will I be a good student? Will I be able to stick it out? How am I gonna do with SO Many People that are not like me. It's not like ACC where I feel at home. Do I tell my counseler that I have mental issues. In fact shouldn't all these people be talking to eachother. Shouldn't my Orthopedic Dr., My MD, my Psychiatrist, School Counseler, Disability worker, Therapist and Case Worker all know whats going on? What do I do just say Hey, I found out that I am nuts, Do you need to know that?

It's kind of interesting to learn about the diseases of the mind and getting some relief from my past mistakes. I kept doing the same stupid things because of an ILLNESS not a character flaw. I am NOT a bad person, I am a disabled person with some physical, psycholigical and emotional challenges. Do I need to wear a label? Am I really coping out on society and taking the easy road? Cassandra (my roommate) has told my children that I am faking this so I don't have to do anything for the rest of my life. Could that possibly be true? Is it a character flaw? Am I just a really clever criminal? How do I know what is reality and what is a delusion? Is the movie camera that I feel behind me real? Am I gonna show up on Fox News? Oh wow, that is a crazy memory blast. I remember laying on my bed when I was supposed to be asleep and I would look in the walls and ceiling for the movie camera. hmm I will have to sit on that one.

What I learned today

I have decided to document my learnings through this crisis in my life I am gonna create a seperate blog for it. http://whatilearnedingroup.blogspot.com/