removed from myspace

This has been a difficult year for me - I went from making 65K to 25K in just a few short days when I got hurt last year. If it werent for the fact that my kids hate me and call me crazy and psycho and according to thier blogs I am the worst mother in the world, This year has been the best thing that ever happened to me. I have been able to deal with life long issues now that I have the time to face my reality. I am changing who i am, I thiink for the better, yet the girls seem to think that i have turned into an ugly monster. I used to get so hurt by their snide little comments and the mean things that they say to me. Now I just take a pill and it all goes away.

I really think that I need to get professional help for the youngest one or i will end up instuntionalized very soon. I have never met anyone as mean and vicious as her. not even aw can hold a stick to this girl, She is just down right cruel, mean, nasty, hurtful, self centered, and hateful. It's hard because I created her yet she hates me sooo much. and the otherone. I mean how ungrateful can a girl be? She has no appreciation for the sacrifices that people make for her, she expects it from everyone and feels that the world owes her because she is graduating and isn't pregnant. I really thought things would be different when she got her car. but I was wrong, I thought she would be more appreciative when School was all paid for, but I was wrong.

i fight off the urge to runaway every single day of my life. It is so hard to stay here and put up with their shit day in and day out. They have no idea how hard life really is. I feel that I have failed them in that area. I have given too much of myself and now they not only expect it but demand it from me.

I am getting over the fact that they don't like me and I have stopped parenting with the hopes that they will like me because frankly I don't give a damn anymore. I always used to yell and say "I am done" but I didn't mean it even though I wanted to mean it. Now its just the facts. I feel I have done my best and now it's in my best interest to not let them hurt me anymore. So my kids don't like me - oh damn should I kill myself over it - NO I have given them the last 20 years of my life and the next twenty are for me. It is going to be all about me from now on. I can buy cars, give them money that I don't have, take them places when I don't have the gas, get a gorgeous home and a good school district and they still hate so you know what - Fuck um Yeah that's right Fuck em! They are old enough to figure shit out on thier own. I have so much pain and hurt built up right now I just want to go in their rooms and tear everything off the walls and tell them to get the fuck out of my life but I can't, I have to be a better mom regardless of how they treat me.

admitting all of this and dealing with the past issues has really taken a toll on me mentally and physically. I really do want to run away and honestly i think it's coming sooner than anyone expects.