who I want in my life

The Invitation



Oriah Mountain Dreamer



It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.



It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.



It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.



I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.



I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being a human.



It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.



If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore be trustworthy.



I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
everyday.
And if you can source your own life
from it's presence.



I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes"!



It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone

and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.



It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.



It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.



I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.



http://www.pacificnet.net/~spectre/pagan.html

its that time of the year again

Once upon a time there was a little girl who loved her daddy very much but she didn't get to see him very often because of the big bad evil sea hag that kept the little girl hidden from her father. One day, a very sad day, the little girl came running home from school cuz the evil sea hag was going away and allowed her father to come get her and take her away from her beautiful beach home to the magical land of lakes, mountains, forests and desert.

She ran so fast carrying her big cello....She didn't mind if it went out of tune because she knew that when she played for her father the voices of angels were heard.

When she got home there was no one home and then the evil sea hag arrived in a tattered mess. Unusual for this sea hag, she was never a mess, she was the epitomy of beauty, ok superficial beauty the little girl found out, but beauty never the less. The little girl asked the mean sea hag when her father would be there to pick her up and the sea hag replied "little girl, you can't go see your father any more, he has left this world for another and he wont be back".

The little girl didn't understand....she couldn't grasp why the sea hag would do this to her little girl....why would she keep her away from her father forever....why did the seahag have to be so mean.................

It's scary that almost 30 years later that little girl is still waiting for her father to come pick her up....she drives by the lake often and wonders what would have been, what could have been, if only he hadn't slammed into that damn pole and cut his head off. Why, why, why ..... almost 30 years and still not one answer.... just questions, emptiness, doubt and confusion.

Why would a father get into a car with a drunk driver, why would a sea hag keep her daughter away from such a wonder man, why won't the little girl understand that he is not coming back.

daddy, i miss you so very much, i am overcome with grief. I waited for you in the tree in the next door neighbors yard for 2 days, hoping that the sea hag would just go away and that you would come and rescue me...how could you leave me in that place...how could you stay away...do you see me now?.... do you like what you see....if i do better will you come back.....

you know i see you often in my dreams, you have a new family, with good kids, no evil sea hag, and a great life but you don't want me, you always turn me a way and tell me that if i would have been better that you wouldn't have left.

I see you out of the corner of my eye sometimes...I see that father, loving his daughter, walking along the shore, telling fairy tales that never seem to end, but this one ended, didn't it.....

Daddy i miss you.

rest in peace
Ronald Kieth Page
Died May 6th, 1976
killed by a drunk driver - his best friend
he was only 31 years old, his daughter was 9, and is still waiting for him to return

20 years

Once upon a time there was a little stoner chick (Tattel), she was in 8th grade, the captain of the cheerleading team and a true stoner at heart, she had a mom and a step dad and a pool in the backyard and lived in a pretty nice part of town. Then one day the evil sea hag decided that she didn't want that life any more and ripped the little girl from everything she knew and moved her to the yucky part of town in tiny little house and a new school (the rival school). This was not the first time that the sea hag had ripped Tattels life from her, The Sea hag had a long history of stealing Tattels world.

No one at the new school liked Tattel and since she didn't have a car she couldn't really keep in touch with the other friends besides she was embarrassed and sad because the evil sea hag had morphed again and was partying, getting drunk, hooking up with all sorts of people, doing unspeakable things and the little girl couldn't face all of her previous friends.

One day when she was walking home from school she met a really freaky looking group of boys, cute but freaky, with peacock blue Mohawk, big flock of seagulls hair, shaved heads, tri color heads, and they were all cute as hell. There was Doodle who was tall and blonde, he had a girlfriend and was always competing with Ezel but had a very special relationship with Tattel, he was very protective. And there was Razzle the cutest of them all but almost too cute, like a very pretty man but definitely MAN. And there were a couple of Joz; both became very good friends of Tattel in very different ways. One of the Joz was very feminine and he had a secret friendship with Tattel. They would discuss things that no one else could hear, Tattel loved Joz because she knew how tormented he was. The other Joz became one of Tattels favorite friends, he was a lot of fun and took Tattel on crazy rides on the motorcycle and even let Tattel drive it. He trusted Tattel with many things. They were in high school or seniors, they were cool and they were hot. The little girl started hanging out with them and getting high in the PR (party room). She fell in love with one of them, (Ezel) he was so sweet, funny, cute, and enough weird to keep her interested. This became her new world filled with all sorts of cool new people that welcomed Tattel into their world. One of the boys had a girlfriend that was really cool, she was funny too and had a very unique outlook on the world and she became the little girls best friend. They would write marathon letters to each other because Luna was older and went to high school too not the yucky junior high that Tattel went to. Luna was smart like Tattel and they would talk about life, the origins of the world, read books, and go for very long walks and talk for days on end.

Luna lived on the top of "snob hill", she had an older sister Lizella that was also one of the girlfriends of this group of really hot punks. Luna and Lizella had an older brother, Juno, was the ultimate in coolness because he had already graduated from school and was too cool for our crowd. The three of them lived in their beautiful 2-story home, with their parents. They had a yellow kitchen, a formal living room, they dressed for dinner and breakfast was on the table every morning when they woke up. It was Tattel’s fantasy to be adopted by them and live there forever. But Tattel knew that wasn't possible so she made a promise to herself that she would provide that lifestyle for her kids one day, even down to the yellow kitchen.

That summer was the greatest summer of Tattel’s life, she had a great group of friends, and Ezel's mother was kind and nurturing to Tattel, and Luna loved Tattel and would have done anything for her. Summers came and went and school came and went and Tattel tried as hard as she could to destroy everything good in her life. She hurt Ezel on several occasions, she lied to Luna to hide her jealousy, and she was lashing out at everything around her because her home life was so sad and lonely. Tattel ended up getting pregnant by an evil wizard, and she got into ugly drugs and was tearing her life apart. Ezel saw what was happening and tried to stop her. He declared his undying love for Tattel and tried everything he could to get the little girl to marry him and live happily ever after. But Tattel couldn't understand that love and she was mean to Ezel. Then she just disappeared. She didn’t ever see any of the punks again, she thought of them often. She wondered how they were doing, if they ever thought of her, why they never came after her and just let her slip away.

Tattel searched for them in the cyber world very often, she tried every name she could remember and always came up empty handed. This disturbed Tattel because these were the best group of people Tattel had ever known and Tattel had based all of her relationships off of these relationships. Tattel tried to model her life after Luna and Lizella’s life.

Finally Luna showed up in the cyber world and Tattel got in touch with her. Tattel was saddened by the stories that Luna had told her. There were so many heartbreaks, lost children, destroyed friendships, etc. Tattel couldn’t deal with that because Tattel had tried so very hard to live her life the best she could after the ugliness that she had brought to that group. This haunted Tattel for the next decade.

Tattel moved back to the southern pond about 18 years after she left. She would often drive up to the PR for the next two years but couldn’t get the nerve to knock on the door, last weekend when she was at a Pleasure Faire she couldn’t control the urge to visit them and face her past in order to move on in a more complete future. She wanted to know if Ezel's failed relationships were due to her indiscretion and abuse of their relationship and if she could do anything to fix it. She loved Ezel and wanted happiness and peace for him. She was haunted by this unsettled feeling.

So she found her motivation and got the nerve to knock………….And a new story begins!

give me dirt roads and wooden gates anyday

Give me a dirt road any day!

7:29 AM - give me a wooden gate anyday
Current mood: awake

Why would "god" create such beauty and then seek to destroy it in it's "armageddon" That just does not sit well with me. I don't like the feeling of seperation that was created by my christian leaders that this world is just temporary. This world is ALIVE, Gaia, earth spirit, mother nature is real and here and now. i can see the individual trees at the top of Palomar Mountain from my kitchen window. That mountain is the result of a live and energy filled world. How dare "they" teach that this is not our real home and that its just a resting place until the "lord" comes and takes us to the pearly gates. Fuck the pearly gates, give me a wooden gate any day and a dirt road and a home made with a connection to the world surrounding it. a gorgeous view framed by every window in the house, the positioning of the house to coordinate with the path of the sun, I don't want to send up lumber to a place far away, I want to build my life here and now. I don't want to focus on the "hereafter" I want to enjoy and bask in the NOW, not what happend 2,000 years ago and who did what for sinful ways. I want to be thankful for today. I don't want to fullfill some distant gods will for my life - I want to experience my own will, my own purpose, me! How dare they teach us that we are born "sinners" and evil and that we have to fight our ownselves to overcome what their god created. Why would he create such an evil group of people and such misery and heartache, what kind of god is that. what a load of crap that teaching was.

I wish I would have spent more time with my kids showing them the glory and beauty of their lives today in the world we gave been so freely given. I wish I wouldnt have pounded this crap into their heads, I wish I would have taught them more about this world and less about that fantasy of heaven. I wish I would have taught them to accept themselves as they are and to enjoy the beauty of their bodies and their thoughts and energies instead of stifling them and placing fear and inhibitions in them. I want them to experience the here and now. To seek out truth and not to fear curiosity and exploration of themselves.

I had a dream the other day about one of my ex pastors/teachers, I got the chance to tell him what I thought of his teachings and how they stifled real growth. I guess i was yelling at him and woke jojo up. I felt so good when I woke up, I remember everything word I said, what a release.....

I don't hate christians, if it works for them then I am happy for them, I dont hate churches - I think they fill a need for people who are unwilling to face who they really are and accomplish a lot of good in the community. I do dislike, however, that they force feed their crap on others, I wish that alternative groups would organize well enough to provide to the indigent, weak and needy. To encourage personal responsibility for their world and their actions. Maybe some day I will start my own "chruch" now that I have been a certified teacher of religous studies for over a year now.

I am hoping to learn from the natives that live on the other side of the river to expand my knowledge of the world that I live in NOW. Well that is enought rambling for today.

Currently reading:
The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
By Don Miguel Ruiz
Release date: By 01 November, 1997