Tattel.....the tattered fairie

well that day went all to shit - Jess and I had the worst fight ever in the history of mother daughter fights, I told her to leave, i wanted her to hurt like she hurt me and now i hurt more. She left and I don't know where she is, how she is or who she is. I miss her so badly I want to go find her and drag her ass back home but everyone is telling me that i cant do that, that i need to let her have her space and she will come home of her own choice but the waiting is killing me. and it's hurting sam which hurts me even more. I don't want my girls to hurt because of me, I don't want them to hurt ever, I want them to be commpassionate, kind, considerate, happy, peaceful, enlightened. I want them to not hate me and not call me a freak and make fun of me all the time.

Then I go to the damn doctor and he tells me great news - Surgery is not the answer Woo Hoo - but Time is the answer, time and rest and not using my back, not lifting anything, I hate this, hate it hate it hate it. I want my life back. i want to be out of pain, I want my girls to be happy and I don't want to be alone.

ARRRGGHHH! I can't believe i am commenting on my own journal - damn that's pretty sad. I need to go jump out of a plane, i need my mommy, I don't have any tears left and my head hurts and now my back hurts just when I was getting artistic. Oh well I guess I should just go read and keep sending protection energy to jess and hope that she will come home soon on her own. Should I go to the airport to stop her............