Saturday, February 19, 2005

for my girls - should they ever take the time .....

Saturday, February 19, 2005

11:07 PM - for my girls - should they ever take the time .....
Current mood: melancholy

the following is a ritual that I have adapted for my girls. They hate me right now, I put some very ugly negative shit on them yesterday. My delivery is horrible and painful. We don't communicate very well right now and I am empty without them. It's too quiet when they aren't yelling at me or eachother. I hope that they won't turn this off just because I said Ritual. How 'bout if I call it a prayer - what ever you call it - it can work if you believe for what you believe determines your experiences. if they believe that I am crazy and a horrible mother then that is all they will experience from me because they need to justify thier beliefs. If I believe that they hate me then that is what I experience, I experience thier dislike which justifies the belief that they hate me.

So I have choosen to alter my reality, to believe that they love me and themselves and that we can grow up together happily ever after.

KNOW what it is that you desire...
Spend time think about your desire...
Become intimate with that part of you that desires it...
That part of you that knows you can have it...
Deep within you lies a Knowing...
A Knowing that it is your Destiny to have your hearts desire...

Go deep...Know thyself...And without judgment...
To thine own self be true....


BECOME aware as well, of that part of you
that does not want it....
The Martyr...The Victim....The Long Suffering Struggler...
Know that if that ugly part of you did not exist,
you would probably already have your hearts desire...
Know the possible "payoffs" that result
in your not having your hearts desire.
The "opportunity" to hold on to that anger,
just a little bit longer...
The "opportunity" to blame...
Remember that in order to blame another
for ruining your life...
You must first have a ruined life.
Remember as well that when you place blame on another....
You are in effect,
placing your own power within the hands of another.
Know and understand that the need to blame
comes from a place of Powerlessness...
Giving up blame is not about acceptance...
Giving up blame is about Reclaiming Your Own Power....
Your Power To Choose!

Go deep...Know thyself...And without judgment...
To thine own self be true....



DO NOT dwell in the House of Judgment!
Your purpose is not to pass judgment of right or wrong,
But rather simply and without judgment,
to acknowledge and own what lies within.
Know and understand that your emotions,
your feelings...are yours...
You Do have a right to them...Whatever they may be!
Emotions only become "negative" when they are repressed...ignored...denied...

Know furthermore, that although you Do deserve,
Success does not "run" on deservability, but rather on Choice.
See what choices you have already been making....
Own those choices...acknowledge them...
know that they are yours....
Know that the Power To Choose lies at
the very core of your Being.

Go deep...Know thyself...And without judgment...
To thine own self be true....


NOW... from this Place of Power....
Knowing and understanding that the
Choices really are yours to make....
have in fact been yours all along...
Make the Choice to have your hearts desire!

Declaring your desire with Confidence, Dignity
and Clear and Precise Intent...
Release it...Let it go...release it to the Universe...
to the Hand of The Goddess Herself...

Go deep...Know thyself...And without judgment...
To thine own self be true....

Knowing that with every desire comes
the means to make it happen,
begin watching for the signs that tell you...
YES...It is beginning....and watch it grow!
Allow yourself to have it!

As you will it....Blessed it Be!


Most of this is taken from Sharon at the legacy of the cauldron and from harry Palmers Avatar course.

I desire a happy, loving, kind and gentle relationship with my girls. I desire to be a good mother, a good daughter and a good sister. I desire their love, affection and appreciation. So may it Be!

I love you girls and this silence is tearing me apart. If I hadn't made it happen, if you were just being nice and giving me some space I would probably love it but being avoided and having the house so quiet is unnerving and i miss the chaos that fills our lives.

Currently listening:
The Celtic Circle: Legendary Music from a Mystic World
By Various Artists
Release date: By 07 October, 2003

Friday, February 18, 2005

Tattel.....the tattered fairie

well that day went all to shit - Jess and I had the worst fight ever in the history of mother daughter fights, I told her to leave, i wanted her to hurt like she hurt me and now i hurt more. She left and I don't know where she is, how she is or who she is. I miss her so badly I want to go find her and drag her ass back home but everyone is telling me that i cant do that, that i need to let her have her space and she will come home of her own choice but the waiting is killing me. and it's hurting sam which hurts me even more. I don't want my girls to hurt because of me, I don't want them to hurt ever, I want them to be commpassionate, kind, considerate, happy, peaceful, enlightened. I want them to not hate me and not call me a freak and make fun of me all the time.

Then I go to the damn doctor and he tells me great news - Surgery is not the answer Woo Hoo - but Time is the answer, time and rest and not using my back, not lifting anything, I hate this, hate it hate it hate it. I want my life back. i want to be out of pain, I want my girls to be happy and I don't want to be alone.

ARRRGGHHH! I can't believe i am commenting on my own journal - damn that's pretty sad. I need to go jump out of a plane, i need my mommy, I don't have any tears left and my head hurts and now my back hurts just when I was getting artistic. Oh well I guess I should just go read and keep sending protection energy to jess and hope that she will come home soon on her own. Should I go to the airport to stop her............

Haven't had much to say lately

Haven't had much to say lately
Current mood: artistic

I finally go to the dr this after noon for my back surgery - I got hurt in July 2004 and NOW i get to go to the dr. couldn't be better timing i guess since i have been down all week with the heating pad glued to my back. This is getting very annoying - I want my life back DAMNIT! I keep having weird dreams about people that are no longer in my life - I have tried to make amends but no luck so far. I really can't wait to leave now cuz this limbo shit is getting real annoying - July July July - why oh why do I have to wait for July

i bought paper and pencils and actually started practicing Marks Lessons on Art - Thank you Mark for being my personal instructor but I guess when you move to ESCO that will stop :(

It's nice having Cassandra live with us again - i missed her - I hope she will agree to try vegas with us, I figure Brian could come too and we could all live happily ever after in the middle of the desert.

Penny is still sick - it's really wearing all of us down. She hasn't had a fever for a long time but still wont eat or drink on her own. Must give food every 2 hours, water every hour, meds every eight hours. It's exhausting :( She is miserable too - but every time we think of putting her out of her misery she will go play upstairs and dig tunnels and chew a bone and give u smiles.

I am soooo sick of being in Pain - damn it -

The pool is still too cold to swim in - the solar heater doesn't work well with the sun doesn't shine. I thought San Diego was supposed to be Sunny! and according to the sign down the street Lemon Grove has the "best climate on earth" Hah! Well then where the hell is the SUN!

hmmm what else - oh yeah my doll making has been going well except I cant seem to make a female - all my fairies are wizards that look very much like Jojo - kind of odd don't ya think!

I got 30 new colors the other day so I might venture into something different that fairies.

My weekly bookstudy is coming along as well - We are studing Bucklands Big Blue book of Witchcraft. It's been interesting. - However next wednesday is Full Moon Ritual and then the wednesday after is a visit to Vegas to pick out our new house. So no meetings till the 8th or 9th but that gives me time to build my altar I guess. Damn my girls are gonna freak out if they see an altar in the house - I will have to disguise it. I know they don't read my blog so I don't have to worry about them reading this.

Speaking of my girls - it's been real hard lately, I have tried not being their friend or being overly nice to them to show them that they can't treat me (or people in general) so shitty and then expect every thing to be hunky dory the next day. But I love them so much it's hard to stay mad at them. I just wish they would see how rude and disrespectful they are.

Oh well enough complaining - I am off to make a new art piece. I told my self I don't have to clean anything till 10 am so I can play for a couple hours.

Currently reading:
Buckland's Complete Book of Witchcraft (Llewellyn's Practical Magick)
By Raymond Buckland
Release date: By 01 December, 1986

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Tibetan Numerology.....Should I change my name?

I hosted a workshop today with a yahoo group called SDOpenMoonRitual it was a Chalice Circle workshop on Tibetan Numerology. It was great to have so many good energy people over. The most witches I have ever seen and the age range and the variety of people was so enchanting.

It was just a workshop, no spiritual awakenings happened, the earth didn't shake, I didn't get the chills, I didn't cry, I wasn't trying to impress anyone with how the spirit was moving me, I wasn't upset because I still couldn't speak in tounges, I wasn't jealous of others "sprituality", I wasn't worried about what I looked like and who was talking about me.
I was just me, learning about a new way of looking at things.
What I got out of today is that the hindu people have a similar theory of "the collective, or Gaya, or Earth Spirit"
which makes me more motivated to do reasearch and discover the differences of each religion, the similarities of each, and then I will be able to decide what works for me and what doesn't.
I don't want to blindly bounce around through life anymore, accepting things as they appear, I want to have an educated life, filled with experiences, and a foundation of truth. Do you need to know all the lies to know the truth? hmmmm that's another story i think.
Anyhow back to the topic, hmm what was the topic, (let me scroll back up the screen.....oh yeah - tibetan numerology)
Ok, so according to the class teacher the tibetans also believe that vibration is the point, the center, if you will, of creation, all engeries have a vibration, when you speak your name you are sending out a certain wave of vibrations, each of the sounds has a numerical value and that compiliation of numbers paints a picture of who you are. It is your calling card, your image (not just physical appearance but who you are completely). Just like TV stations send out waves of vibrations to your TV set in your living room and the TV turns those vibrations into a picture that you can see.

So you may want to rethink what you call yourself or at least compare what your putting out there to what you would like to put out there. So we did our names, our first names, last names, nicknames, spouses, etc.

My name was hard to do, should I go by the name that my mom says she gave me or what is printed on the birth certificate (long story but it's a spelling issue), So I decide to do both because I changed my name when I was 13 to what was on my birth certificate not what my mom had been calling me for the last 7 years. Wow! When I use the name that is on my birth certificate I am blocked from prosperity and success and stuck in a perpetual state of change, according to the charts that Richard had provided us with. And if I go by the name that I was before I decided to change it I am sending the vibrations of a much different person, more of the person that I want to be and not blocked from anything. I am giving off an open and receptive energy. A powerful energy. I wrote this charge for myself

I am Kim with a personal powerful force that is Innovative, pioneering, trailblazing, logical, stable, and united. This takes me through times when I am challenged by feeling alone, lost, chaotic and crazy. And with this powerful force I attract wisdom, leadership, creativity, strength and divine spirituality.

So what do I do now? Do I change my name, go to tibet and find a monk and ask him? Am I ok with these types of meetings? Is it real for me if I don't "Feel" it? Can i have blind faith again, do i want it? Should I stay here and build a foundation and a home and life or take off on the next adventure - sticking to the perpetual change - Even though my sacred path cards keep insisting that I "DO" something, that I act in some way, I am beginning to wonder if the action I am supposed to take is to STOP. Stop changing my zip code and start changing ME.