it's hard to type with tears rolling down your face onto the keyboard

6:05 AM - it's hard to type with tears rolling down your face

being a friend is hard sometimes, you never know how far to push before the button just pops back in your face!

sometimes we don't feel like taking the time to really get to know someone and we get all butt hurt if things dont go the way we think they should but when you take a step back and ask why??? you find out some new things about people when you just don't give up on them or give up trying to get inside their head.

I have a lot of girlie friends right now - more than i think i have ever had, these are true friends, people that you could call at 2 am and have them laugh with you over a horrible day or that you could show up on their doorstep homeless and hungry and they would invite you in and give you the shirt off your back.

I feel so very blessed right now. I feel rich. not with money but with love and friendship. I don't know how to be anyother way, i am a little controlling at times or maybe a little too pushy but it's out of love. I have never loved so many people in my life and never felt so loved by others. When I younger i would wonder who would show up at my funeral. Now i feel as if I can't ever die - there are too many people that need me - Too many people that bring joy to my life by sharing their life with me.

its amazing that my boyfriends wife is one of my best friends and her sister is like my sister - perfect friendship that i wouldn't trade for the world - they both bring me so much happiness. Cassandra is nothing like I was at 21 and everything any mother would want for her daughter. - happy, joyful, ambitious, dedicated, honest, NOT FAKE, just a true friend.

Then there's Jen - We met under some pretty gross circumstances when you look back at it. I was horribly addicted to a very ugly drug and she joined me - 6 months later I knew I had to leave CA to stay alive but it was hard leaving her, that was almost 10 years ago - we haven't seen eachother since but I consider her another of my best friends. We have not only maintained a friendship but we have grown so much through email, yahoo and now myspace.

Debi- Damn i miss you - where are you - you were the only friend i had for 15 years prolly and i think it's only because you showed me what friendship is that i am able to have so many that are close to me now.

My own sister - who I am just getting to know - ill write all about that story some day but damn it feels good to be accepted by your own blood!

My mom - Wow - we have gone through some serious shit over the last 36 years and I expect we will again but right now it's really nice - I love having her in my life by my choice.

My own daughters - Sam doesn't always make me feel like she likes me very much but it's not really my job to make her like me - I am her mother and that's a hard thing to be - but I love her so very much and watching her grow and mature is so heartwarming. She is so beautiful and smart, self disciplined, neat, organized - everything i am not.

Jess - oh my gosh - I couldn't be much prouder of her - And I dont feel like i can take much credit for her success, she has been determined about who she is and what she is going to do with her life since she is 3, i feel honored that she allows me along for the ride sometimes. She is a senior in High School, she has a's and b's in school, she is the captian of her cheerleading team, she has some really good friends herself, she is driven, ambitious and I know is going to very very successful in everything she does - and just like she has told me before - She is nothing like me - she is amazing and she still allows me in her life sometimes - those few moments when she lets me share her happiness are moments that i treasure most in life.

Ashley - Wow - here i go crying again, You have been hanging around our family for a while now and you have seen us go through some pretty horrible shit and you still want to live with us??? Girl you must be crazy. But you bring sunshine to our lives, you are so damn beautiful - inside and out - I am so honored that you chose to move in with us. Thank you for bringing happiness to all of us.

then there are the new myspace friends that I haven't met yet in person but that i feel so very close too!
Lexi, Loralie, lucretia - ok what is it with the L's???
there are many more too
sinderella, dangerous angel, cerbal cortex, dark slayer,( ok the last two aren't girlies but you are friends)

cher, char, du - you all add happiness to my life

I guess i could go on with the men in my life but this is dedicated to the women right now.

So thank you to all my friends, near and far, for adding value to my life, for being a friend and letting me be a friend - someday I hope we can all celebrate our lives together - and not at my funeral - before that please - hehehe.

almost perfect!

7:11 PM - it was so perfect

below is a bulletin from the day we put in the offer.

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we need good thoughts and maybe a spell or two

Jojo and I are putting in an offer on a house today, right down the street on Home Avenue, it's a 5 bed 3 bath with a 2 car garage for the pool table and a back yard that robinson coruso would die for - treehouse, tire swing and all. It is perfectly decorated in vintage rust gold and chocolate brown colors - woo hoo it even has a cork wall and a mirrored wall (the kind with the gold lines in it) Anyhow we are inlove with it but we can only afford to offer him 20K less than he is asking so if everyone could think good thoughts for us maybe we can will him into accepting our poormans offer.

Thanks to everyone for all your support during this rough time for me. My first disability check arrived two days ago - almost a full 60 days after my injury - almost 2 full months of Jojo carrying the load for me and my kids. Many fairy blessings on him too. He is the most wonderful man I have ever met.
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Right after we got done writing the offer and dealing with finances to see if we could make work we went to the beach, on the way to the beach a shooting/falling star was right in front of us on the freeway and we both saw it at the same time and had the same wish, then when we got to the beach we couldn't find the moon then all of a sudden as we looked back towards the coast from the water this big huge harvest moon appeared over Point Loma, it was as if it was searching us out, jojo went back in to shore to watch the dogs, I swam in the black liquid for a while pretending i was a dolphin, then as i looked back to the shore I could see the dark silohette of the man i love with my doggies standing on either side of him the moon rising over their heads and then all of a sudden when I thought it was the most beautiful view Seawold lit off their fireworks, how much more perfect could it be? My son walked up to jojo and knelt down so that the two men I love and the two women that love me the most were there under a full harvest moon with fireworks, it was amazing, I was so complete and totally happy and in love, I was so hopeful that the house would be ours by 5 pm the next day

Well that didn't happen it got dragged all the way to saturday evening when the final word came that they accepted the competing offer and we were shit out of luck, so i get on the net and search for any 4 bedroom 2 bath with a two car garage ANYWHERE in San Diego and of course the only ones that we could afford were either in TJ or Murrietta, Not one in San Diego county, then last night there was a new listing on the market,

another one just over the hill from us, 4 bed 2 bath 2 car garage and A FUCKING POOL, how much better could it be?? Now i cant find a realtor that can get me into the house until tomorrow at 5:30 This has to be the most horrible thing to do in the world. Buying a house is hell, purgatory, torture, when you are poor, have a lot of people that you want to take care of and need to get out of where your at in less than 45 days.

Talk about stress! Well I am also studying to be a realtor while i am on disability. Hopefully i will get my liscense in time so I can go to work for an agency here in SD when I get better, I know that I will comprehend what the wait is like to a first time buyer and the stress that a family goes through. I think this experience will make me the best damn realtor in CA

Woo hoo, i might be a homeless realtor but I will understand and have compassion for others like me!