what I want

1:14 AM - What I want
Current mood: awake
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

I don't want another one of me but I do want a partner, a friend, a companion for all the moments of life, to work together on something, play together, cry together, be alone and still be together. I want to make memories while building, fixing or breaking something together. I would love to go to far away places and learn and explore this world together. This person would have to be a very open minded person, intelligent, love to learn and love to teach, and feel that people should never be judged or looked down upon for things they can not control, like the color of their skin or the country in which they are born, or who their parents are. Bad behaviors, however, should not be tolerated. I want someone who is happy with themselves yet still sees room for improvement and seeks out all opportunities to do so. I would love to meet someone that had a metal or wood shop that would like to teach me how to express my creativity in three dimensional work. I want someone who is emotionally honest with themselves and at least me if not everyone else. I want someone that will call me when they see something in their life that makes them think of me, I want someone to be able to go away enough for me to miss them but be there when its cold and raining and be my sunshine. I want someone to sit in the water with and stare up at the stars, just being silent together. I want someone I can talk to and even more importantly someone I can listen too. I want someone who is proud to introduce me to their friends and doesn't feel the need to parade me around like a trophy or to hide me from their whatevers. I want someone who makes me laugh and laughs with me. I want someone who can make decisions about life, who can take the reigns just for a moment, and still respects mine.

I want someone to share the passing of time with, watching the grass grow, or skydiving, or riding a motorcycle down the coast with a tent on the back, camping where ever our hearts desire. I want someone who already has kids and is a great parent but who doesnt' want to do it all over again. I want someone to respect my role as a mother and understand the family dynamics from experience. I want someone whose expectations I can exceed and who accepts and exceeds mine. I want to make someone smile, I want to make someone dance on clouds of happiness with themselves and our life together.

I am sure I am asking for a lot but theres no point in wasting any moment of life on anything less than exactly what we want.

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." Mahatma Gandhi

Currently listening : Eyes Open By Snow Patrol Release date: 09 May, 2006

Do I get more

stoned so I can get creative again? What was it about the other night that got my thoughts flowing so well? Was it the dinner, the bath, the pleasure? paranoia is getting to me tonight about bills, who would read this, and what do people really think of me. Tells me I should just go to sleep and not reach down this dark whole anymore tonight. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

when I write. .....

When I write, I wonder who is going to read my thoughts. Are my daughters reading my posts and am I going to have to explain or defend random bolts of enlightenment to them? If I could write and make sure that noone would ever judge me for the words that come out, I could create masterpieces, volumes of thought and ideas, reflections and analogies.

Someone asked me today why I don't like little kids anymore and I had to think about a really good response that would not offend anyone. My daughters and I have had a few really difficult years. I was growing up at the same time they were and it wasn't easy on any of us. I have been a huge disappointment to both my daughters, and to myself for not following through on my dreams earlier. I wish I would have gone to college when they were younger and gained the self-confidence to not need a man in my life. I wish I could have provided for them an example of an intelligent, determined, goal driven person that lives their lives without masks. I don't think I did a bad job raising them overall, but the last few years were difficult for all.

I hope to finish college soon, so that they can be proud of me again. I hope to provide for them all the love and emotional support and encouragement that they need to be successful in life and love and the "pursuit of happyness"

I have been very selfish of late with my feelings and I hope they don't take it personally. I just know I have some more growing up to do. Both my girls are spectacular in every way and are quite capable of living their lives without my control. This beautiful reality gives me the freedom to explore who the rest of me is.

Posted by Mountain Fairy on Thursday, December 13, 2007 at 10:33 PM
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creative writing exercise.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

1:32 AM - creative writing exercise How would you complete the phrase: I never feel I should be doing anything else when I am…? I always feel as if I should be doing something else, when I am cooking I feel like I should be cleaning up. When I am dancing, I feel like I have to pee. When I am working, I feel like I should be playing. But when I am laying in the ocean or floating in the air there is no where else I would rather be. I feel like I should be doing other things but I wouldn't rather be doing those things. When I am indulging in my fantasies, I get interrupted with parental duties or rent or or bills and the pain comes back and then fantasy dissapates. When I am writing, I wonder who is going to read this and are they going to pick it apart and throw it back at me. But just for a moment, let's go there. Let's hop on the Fred, my imaginary old vw bus, and go for a ride. A ride that has no destination but experience, and no return date in mind. Up and then down the pacific coast we go, camping and adventuring mixed with lazy days of basking in the sun on the oceans shore. And once upon a time we reach the tip of baja and pick up a sailboat and sail across the sea to the Mexican coast and keep venturing into all the South American countries, stopping and meeting people all along the way. Making friends, learning about other ways of life, other ways of seeing the world and sharing fun and good times. Ahh what a nice dream for me to fall asleep too tonight.

i don't even want to sleep tonight

1:33 AM - I don’t even want to sleep tonight
Current mood: blissful

Laying in the hot black liquid surrounding me, surrounding my soul, so quiet, so still, so warm and comforting. The water sang to me, saying let me hold you here for just a while. Let me give you warmth in those dark empty places. Let me fill you up and not want for any more. Open your eyes and see the night sky, see my stars light up just for you, notice the different colors, no two are the same, each is unique just like you. Look in front of you and see my beautiful trees, and mountains and miles and miles of bountiful land leading to my blue ocean waters. The waves are calling you now, come play with me soon.

But I can't go, I have rent to pay so for now I just slink on over to my neighbors outdoor tub and indulge in pure selfish fantasy for just a few moments of sailing the ocean blue to ports unknown. I can't let go of that fantasty, that dream, that goal, that itch that must be scratched. I must go sailing in a not to large boat, one that I can manage on my own or with a captian, and get out on the still ocean water at night and just absorb the universe. That is my goal, that is the picture I want for my vision board, that is the reward of the hardwork that I want to recieve. That is the reward for earning my degree, that is the reward for writing my first book, that is the reward for getting my first teaching job. I realize I have far to go in order to earn that reward but I do want to earn it. If it is handed to me on a silver platter, I might not appreciate it as much and if I don't accomplish the things I want to do before I get that dream, I don't think I would ever come back and finish. I would just keep going, from one port to the next, from one adventure to the next, from one experience to the next.

why

Monday, December 10, 2007 11:25 AM - Why? Why can't I let go and say goodbye. He's getting married, he loves someone else, he will never love me again. Can I go just one day without missing him, talking about him, mentioning him in conversation, dreaming about love we had and will it ever happen to me again. Does she love him like he deserves to be loved? Is she good to him in every way? Does she make him smile? Does he walk on clouds? I hope she does all these things for him and more. I hope she smiles because of him and I hope she knows how precious his love is and doesn't screw it up. I hope she loves him completely with all her soul. I hope she is good to him. I hope I can let go and move on. I hope I find that peace within myself that lets me just BE without him even in thought.

the sky

10:07 AM - the sky
Current mood: awake

The sky is calling me
Her peace is screaming for me
come to me
come dance inside me
come play with me
Come and Fall Away
let all your doubts
let all your fears
let all your tears
let all your pain
let all your lonliness
Fall to the ground
As you rest in the arms
of my freedom
And soak up the peace
That keeps you coming back for more

wish I had soemething to write about

9:48 AM - I wish I had something to write about

A very good friend of mine keeps encouraging me to write, I have had difficulty writing since the love of my life has left my soul and left my inspiration dry. I live in the most beautiful area that I ever have lived in, and I have lived a lot of different places, so you would think that i would be inspired by the large oak tree in my front yard, or the deer family that visits me on every good day I have; but that has not been the case. I have been encumbered by this very heavy monkey on my back of rent and bills and unpaid debts that just keep rising and pushing me further and further away from where I want to be.

I had a few days of inspiration - he was fun but many many years of age difference put an end to it, even though the friendship continues the muse is gone. I have had such a turmultuous couple of years since the end of jojo. I have moved many times, tried many different lives on like masks and costumes and nothing seems to fit. My clothes don't fit, my house doesn't fit, my job doesn't really fit (right now at least - but it may in the future.) I wanted for so long to be alone, without any encumberances so I could live my life for me and now that I am here, I still don't know who I am.

I work and I sleep and have a glass of wine a few nights a week and that's the extent. I want now for time and energy to create, yet I feel so many barriers to this. I need an art studio a place to go - to get away from all this "life" weighing on me so I can create again. I wish I didn't need a man to do these things. Why is it that I can't seem to be who I want to be without one? I have a "friend" now that is the most romantic man I have ever known, he treats me well, when he's around but it isn't possible for him to be mine and I don't think he is the ONE, I do feel that maybe he will introduce me to the One though, So I do indulge when the opportunity presents itself but I don't go out of my way to make it happen.

I want to go back to school, maybe that is the key to my inspiration, being around others that are like me. I need to get back to San Diego and go back to Palomar College, that's where I felt most at home even without jojo.

So Jen, I will write something every day - I promise - even if it is just to say that I have nothing new to write about.

still has teeth

3:57 PM - another old post that still has some teeth
Category: Friends

originally posted January of 2006 =

So what are the intentions of ex loves, old friends, coulda would shouldas when they pop back into your life just to see how your doing, to let you know that they are thinking of you? Really what is the purpose? to pour more salt in the wound, make sure it's still festering? to remove the scab that has finally formed to open it all up again?

And then Jojo where does he come off asking me how I am doing, it's really none of his business damn it, I doing great, not what we had planned on, not the things we said we would be doing, I am not playing with our puppy, I am not going to the beach, I am not skydiving, I am not with my kids, I am ALONE the way he left me, what the fuck does he really want from me? I can't be his friend, I cant share my thoughts with him, i want to kick him in the shins damn it.
.
So you know what to all of you EX peoples, just leave me alone, you left me or I left you for some really good reason, I don't need to be reminded that your gone, I dont need to be reminded that I am alone. I am quite well aware of my alone ness right now and after the stupid move I made today I am content to be alone for a very long time.

if there is a prince charming, and if he does fall in love with me for all that I am, then he will know he needs to come to me, he will ride up on his white horse and carry me away in his own good time. I don't need to go out there find him nor do I need to wait around for him, or help him out by "giving him a little push". I have a wonderful life with out jojo, without michael, without any man and DAMN you for telling me I needed one.

So there, there is my pissed off, bruised feelings, embarrassed and vengeful side for all of you who were wondering if I had one. posted by Tattel....The Tattered Fairie at 5:18 PM | 0 comments


and how do I feel today, OMG I miss Jojo so freaking much - anyone that I date now - I ask myself - Would jojo like him for me? Would I be proud to introduce this guy to him? and if not then I just keep walking. Jojo loved me once upon a time, very deeply and I destroyed it - I realized now that I did it to us - He didn't just up and walk out on me, I drove him away, I stopped being me and got caught up in something else. That wont happen again. If I ever did get the chance to spend one more day with him, I would want to go skydiving, and sit at sunset cliffs in one of the caves and thank him for being the greatest love of my life and loving me the way no other has ever been able too.
So I guess I got over the angry part of the loss and moved on to the acceptance part but I still greive for the loss of that love. and hope he is doing well no matter what he is doing these days.

this year

1:47 AM - This Year

I have gone to college for Art and anthropology, owned a clothing store, worked for the Yellow Pages as an Advertising sales person, spent two weeks in training/on vacation in Southern California, gone sailing, camped in the santa cruz mountains, moved from the bay area to the mountains, gone hiking, worked as a waitress, worked at a home improvement store as a cashier, worked at a grocery store, drank wine, dated someone more than 15 years younger and another 15 years older, turned forty, watched my youngest daughter graduate from high school, swam in the ocean, hiked in the mountains, lost a fiancee, regained a life long friend, hurt someone, made someone smile, missed someone and met someone, moved one daughter in, one out and my son in and out, finished maybe 3 pieces of art outside of school, .........and wonder whats next....

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he did it again

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

5:46 PM - he did it yet again I was so full of inspiration, I had my pencils and sketch book in hand and he stole it away AGAIN. I don't want to break up with him every freaking day. it's not fun telling someone that you loved that they cant fix what is broken. there is NOTHING to revive, it's dead, and in the process of being buried. I was reading old stuff from 2005 the last time I was learning to be alone ( but not in the sense I am now) I was just learning how to live without a lover, I have never not had a lover or partner for more than a week or two since I was 14. Now I don't only not have a partner or lover or husband but my kids have all gone on to lead their own lives as well. So truly I am single now instead of single plus 3. I guess my dogs count becasue they do occupy my time and thoughts in part of the day. And I do have to make sure they are fed and watered and I do have to clean up their messes. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't like what I see right now, I see an aging lonely woman who has "let herself go" and i want to find me again. how to I put windows in those walls and eventually even a door (with the handle on my side only) I don't see the artist/anthropology student that I want to be, I see a girl trapped in an aging body who is a little off of her path and needs to find her way back to the journey.

reason for the season

7:34 AM - What is the reason for the season?

Winter Solstice

The Winter Solstice is a magical season . . . one that marks the journey from this year to the next, journeys of the spirit from one world to the next, and the magic of birth, death, and rebirth. The longest night of the year (December 21 in the Northern hemisphere), is reborn as the start of the solar year and accompanied by festivals of light to mark the rebirth of the Sun. In ancient Europe, this night of darkness grew from the myths of the Norse goddess Freya (also called Frigga)who sat at her spinning wheel weaving the fates, and the celebration was called Yule, from the Norse word Jul, meaning wheel. The Christmas wreath, a symbol adapted from Freya's "Wheel of Fate", reminds us of the cycle of the seasons and the continuity of life.

That the timing of the Christian celebration of the birth of Christ occurs in the Yule season is no coincidence. Christmas was once a movable feast, celebrated many different times during the year. The decision to establish December 25 as the "official" date of Christ's birth was made by Pope Julius I in the fourth century AD, hoping to replace the pagan celebration with the Christian one, since this date coincided with the pagan celebrations of Winter Solstice with the Return of the Sun Gods occurring throughout the world.

Numerous Christmas traditions derive from the earlier pagan celebrations. Yule, celebrating the birth or rebirth of a god of light, made use of fire, both in candles and the burning of a Yule log. The Christmas tree has its origins in the practice of bringing a live tree into the home so the wood spirits would have a place to keep warm during the cold winter months. Bells were hung in the limbs so you could tell when an appreciative spirit was present. Food and treats were hung on the branches for the spirits to eat and a five-pointed star, the pentagram, symbol of the five elements, was placed atop the tree.

What I want for christmas

Saturday, December 16, 2006 8:31 AM - What I want for christmas Every one keeps asking what I want for christmas - So here it is All my bills paid The dent that Sam put in my beautiful new truck, removed and painted to match a trip to catalina a trip to san diego a trip anywhere actually A big Yule Solstice Party a pair of brown shoes that Abbey wont eat A pretty Scarf for my hair Speakers for my computer Some CD's for my truck Lily hollbrook Barbara Striesand Jewel Rod Stewart Tickets to the theater Candles Most anything from this store http://www.magicalomaha.com/fairybooks.htm Pencils for drawing Canvas for painting Paint Brushes Sketchbook (travel size) Books Ann Moura Phyliss Currott Vintage from the thrift store Earrings - Silver Actually any silver jewelry A day trip to flea markets Windows for my boat A camping trailer for my truck (small tear drop kind would be most awesome) some furry boots and a furry jacket to match find my make up bag or new clinique makeup a hand written letter coffee with a friend anything Fairy, pagan, or nature minded. Anything that you want me to have to remind me of you!

where are you mr. Frazier

Thursday, November 30, 2006

10:16 AM - I miss him soooooo much! Where are you mr. Frazier So I found my niece on myspace and she tells me she found her dad but doesnt' tell me what's up with him------ I am going nuts I want to hop in the car and drive down there right now but I don't even know if he's there. Could you go 8 years without seing your brother? the one who loves you unconditionally and protects you and loves you with no requests for anything in return? gosh I miss him. He took the place of my father when my father died when I was 9 he was my best friend, my brother, my dad, my protector, my idol, and my hero - Where are you mr. frazier. I need you!..

truth............

11:53 AM - I hate windows, I miss my mac-all the buttons are on the wrong side

I wrote this really intense blog and then hit the wrong button and lost it all damn it. and now it doesn't seem that important now that I have gotten it out of my system but at the same time I think it's an important observation. So I will try again.

I have learned about Truth in my Anthropology class, in science there is no Absolute Truth, we do not posses the capability to prove things to be true in every instance, we can only prove things to be false.

This leads to an interesting perspective on truth, and as many of my friends know I consider myself to be an honest and truthful person. But when and where do you draw the line. Do you share every thing, every thought, every desire, every action or non-action? What constitutes a relationship? Dating is not a relationship, it is a series of events, so i have been told. Dating is new to me I have never done it before. So how do I know when to stop being open to opportunities? What are the boundaries? Do they need to be defined in advance or do we know only when we push them?

I don't want to kill something before it gets a chance to get started but I have to be honest with myself and therefor the people that are important to me. I do want the dream but the dream will be finding me, I am not out searching for it, however I am not gonna sit on my ass and wait for it to knock at the door. I have written before that my prince will know me, and by that I mean will know all of me and still love everybit of it. If he does come knocking and I am not home, he will keep trying until I am.

End of myspace version.

the rest of the story.............

Ok, so where am in this world I have created? What is honesty, real honesty with those you care for? How do I know what to say and when to say it? how do i determine when too much information is just not neccessary, or wanted even?

how do i know what my feelings are if I can't share them? I cant post on here what's really going on in my head, i have to keep some things to myself. I am torn and confused? Which is more important to me? What could be or what is? The fact that someone cares for me is exciting but at the same time if I accept what is for right now am I going to end up in the same place I was a month ago, a year from now? three years from now? 10 years from now? 20 years from now? I don't ever want to go back to that dark place of loneliness and heartbreak and what could be is most definetly a broken heart in the long run. Do I try this happily ever after for now bit again? If I do am i cutting myself off from the good could be's with someone else? Will my prince or my frog really keep trying if I am not immediately available? Do I have to make myself available at all times for him? Am I ruining what could be with someone else by accepting what is here right now?

So there's this frog and this turtle, The frog is great, the frog could be that one true love that has been evading me my whole life. The frog has many other priorities and keeps the fairy at bay, always wondering what if. Now the turtle is there, knocking and knocking at the door, saying come catch me if you can. The turtles priority is my pleasure, the turtle waves extasy infront of me and says it's all yours for the taking, do with me what you will. So what's a fairy to do........ Why couldn't the frog and the turtle be the same? is there a turtle frog out there for me that I am not seeing at this moment? Why can't the frog accept my help with those other priorities and let me make them mine too? and why can't the turtle see that pleasure now leads to pain later?

Oh frogs and fairytales - what could be, will be I guess!

love.............

2:21 PM - Love.................

Love trancends many things, miles, time, obstacles, pain, hurt, other loves, other passions, barriers.

I am falling in love with someone, it's scary, it's exposing, it's naked and It's about time. I am falling in love with me, I am learning to accept the love from my family that I have pushed away for so long. I am learning accept my new role as not every day mom but mom none the less and my role as friend, co worker, sister, daughter, aunt, student, single woman, artist, writer and so much more.

Thanks kids for sticking by me - I love you all so much and hope we can get together soon.

.

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That guy


Very nice!!! Congrats!!!

Posted by That guy on Tuesday, January 31, 2006 at 2:55 PM
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rethinking

8:12 PM - rethinking

Someone asked me the other day what my intentions are, how do I really feel about being single? I ve had a couple days to think about this now and taken together with the news of a friends marriage I have really looked within to figure out the answer to the age old question "what do I want out of life".

I guess my actions haven't been lining up to well with my what I say. I say I don't want to get married. I say Happily ever after for NOW. I say I enjoy being single, I say alot of shit. But truth be told........... I want the dream. I want to meet that one special person that knocks all my socks off. The one that can see me for who I truly am. The one that sees through my masks and into my soul and Likes what they see. I want to be swept off my feet and carried away into the sunset with the man of my fantasies. I have to be happy for those that have found it and are able to hold onto it. I thought I had it once and I let it slip away or pushed it away so I am told.

so there it is - the ugly truth.

Now this may turn some current friends away but I have also made one other decision. This is me, this is who I am, I am not going to start hiding parts of myself because they may not be as appealing. I am going to be who I am and the prince will know me and like me.....all of me!

ex peoples

Can I just start another day over? Today just sucked. Damn you michael - you got me all in a jumble and made me do something I wasn't ready to do. I am not ready for any kind of a relationship, and I should never do anything just to prove someone else right or wrong, I know better than that. but hey, I put my self out there and if it's meant to be it will be and if not today then some other day.

I didn't think I wanted to be swept off my feet and carried away into la la land but you made me think that it would happen if i just put myself out there - Damn you for blowing smoke up my ass - I really want to yell at you right now but of course your off line and will prolly not be around for a while again.

So what are the intentions of ex loves, old friends, coulda would shouldas when they pop back into your life just to see how your doing, to let you know that they are thinking of you? Really what is the purpose? to pour more salt in the wound, make sure it's still festering? to remove the scab that has finally formed to open it all up again?

And then Jojo where does he come off asking me how I am doing, it's really none of his business damn it, I doing great, not what we had planned on, not the things we said we would be doing, I am not playing with our puppy, I am not going to the beach, I am not skydiving, I am not with my kids, I am ALONE the way he left me, what the fuck does he really want from me? I can't be his friend, I cant share my thoughts with him, i want to kick him in the shins damn it.
.
So you know what to all of you EX peoples, just leave me alone, you left me or I left you for some really good reason, I don't need to be reminded that your gone, I dont need to be reminded that I am alone. I am quite well aware of my alone ness right now and after the stupid move I made today I am content to be alone for a very long time.

if there is a prince charming, and if he does fall in love with me for all that I am, then he will know he needs to come to me, he will ride up on his white horse and carry me away in his own good time. I don't need to go out there find him nor do I need to wait around for him, or help him out by "giving him a little push". I have a wonderful life with out jojo, without michael, without any man and DAMN you for telling me I needed one.

So there, there is my pissed off, bruised feelings, embarrassed and vengeful side for all of you who were wondering if I had one.

something has changed

Not sure what it is, cant put my finger on it. Maybe it is because I said I couldn't tell sam I had an outside life, maybe it's because I have obvious physical desires, maybe it's because I had a bad day or maybe it's because I got sick and over emotional or it could possibly be that I just don't do "it" for him. I could be a million things, it could be just one thing, or it could be nothing at all, either way something is different.

Church, I feel I am being bombarded with it. Like it's beating my door down saying "if you don't come back your going to hell" and right now I feel like saying fine, send me to hell, at least I will learn something new there. I miss having "the faith", the personal relationship with an invisible man. It was nice to have that faith to lean on in times of despair, to know that "all things come together for good for those who love the lord" That no matter what was happening it was god's will and I just had to believe. Oh how nice it would be to go back to those days where I felt I belonged, the home and the warmth and comraderie of friends. The weekly bible studies where I would learn and teach. When I had valuable information to share with others, when I was looked to as a source of comfort and knowledge and compassion and inspiration.

Is that whats really bugging me? Is god bugging me? is that whats changed. The idea that maybe i was right about somethings once upon a time and I wasn't fooled or brainwashed by these money hunger power mongers that call them selves christian leaders?

What would the goddess say about this? What would the church say about my beliefs that we have the power within us to change our reality through the power of thought and that it's not a bad thing. What would the church say about my questioning of the whole foundation of the "church", would I be doomed to be prayed for, to be relieved of my demonic hold, for eternity. Would I have to denounce my naturistic beliefs to come back to the church? I am sure i wouldn't be welcomed in the christian singles group with open arms.

Where is my mind going? I think I need to expand my options again. i think I got to focused on somethings that seemed to fit perfectly but aren't neccesarily meant to Fit at the moment. I am feeling like a pest all of a sudden and I don't like this feeling, it's not working for me.

Marcelo and I are doomed, neither one of us seem to be able to find anyone that ever meets our expectations or desires. Nobody can ever be as good as a friend as he is, He is ALWAYS there for me, I hope he does find someone someday that can love him as he deserves to be loved but she better be good to him. but I think it's more about the fact that we don't want to settle and maybe I am just not ready. I need more time alone, i need to get more out of me than I have been. I need to paint instead of daydream of frogs and fairy tales or read or write. So this is my commitment to myself. I promise I will not pester, nag, bother, intrude, invite myself, push myself, interfere, or otherwise make myself an annoyance to anyone. If I am wanted, I am easily found. This goes for kids, friends, moms, sisters, more than friend friends, or anyone else that I conversing with.

Monday Morning

I haven't done a painting in almost two weeks but I have painted my room. I have a ton of homework, which I do a little every day. I quit one of my jobs and called in sick to the other yesterday. I guess I just needed a ME day and I got it.

I have had lots of time to think about what sam said this weekend. I understand how she feels and I think she knows how I feel but the fact remains that we don't have any plans to live together anytime soon.

I was afraid to tell her about "that guy" but Ali kinda did it for me - not knowing I didn't want to say anything. Ali told her about this guy that I am dating that seems to be everything I have always been looking for and he's cute too! Sam seemed happy for me and then when I told her we hadn't even kissed yet she laughed and seemed even happier that I am taking things slow. We watched a movie called "The perfect man", it was pretty good, pretty interesting. We talked more about her and I than we had in a long time and it was good to give her my undivided attention.

I miss him though, I haven't seen him in over a week and I really want a hug and I want to see his smile, it seems so genuine.

I feel exposed

Why oh why did I share my innermost thoughts, I feel vulnerable and naked. It's scary, what if he never calls again, arrgghh. but then again, this is me, this is who I am, these are the thoughts that roll through my mind, well most of them at least. And If this isn't pleasing then well there it is, doomed to be distant friends. Oh Damn I am very emotional when I don't feel good. Sam was very honest with me this weekend and I have to be proud of that. She loves me, dearly, she knows how much I love her and love being her daughter but she feels that there is no room in my life for her right now and she understands why, she pushed me away for so long that I had to find myself without her and no she doesn't want to "fit" into my world, she wants to make her own world now.

It was harsh to hear these things from a 16 year old. of course if I buy her a car she will come live with me or if I move to San Diego then she will live with me, she would even live on a boat with me but she won't come here to where I am at in my world. So what's a mom to do??? Do I give up all that I have accomplished in the last few months so that I can give in to her wants???

Damn my thoughts are racing and I am sick and I want to feel better :(

School

It's my first week and I am again in love with learning. I picked some great classes this semester, I have 5 hours of art on Tuesday and 4 on thursdays, General Anthropology taught by a CURRENT Field Researcher - Oh how exciting. Mexican American History 1900-present - I am really hoping to learn a new perspective on the culture of these peoples and maybe get a new understanding of the immigration problems that we have. and then English - College Composition and critical thinking - I hope to learn a ton in this class, to improve my writing skills and gain more confidence in the works I produce.

Woo Hoo! it's a great day to be a student. - Never mind that 80% of the class are the same age as my kids and only in the english class did I find someone older than me. It keeps me young I guess

My new history class

I am taking Mexican American History from 1900 to the present. It wasn't my first choice in history classes because I feel I already know what I need to know to form my opinion but it was the only history class that fit into that time slot, so I dedcided to let go of my preformed opinions and take the class to actually learn something, gain some new perspective.

During our first class, the instructor went over brief history of Mexico and asked the question "when does Mexican/American History begin?" Would it be before the conquering by spain, after the mexican american war? etc. This lead us to a discussion of the conquest itself and how the New Spain government was pushing its northern borders, first they would set up a Presidio (military installation) and then the Church would follow with it's missions. I prosed the question "what about the people that were already here? The indigenous peoples of what we call the South West and what the Mexican's called their Northern Territory. Where did they go? What happened to their way of life? I find it interesting how the indigenous peoples of most all lands have been "improved" via Christianity and Catholocism ARRRGGHHH! I find this frustrating on the surface but def. something I want to study more. It's not the indig. Mexicans that were doin this but those damn Europeans from Spain looking to conquer the world with their stupid church of Reformation.

Catholocism could hardly be called a religion any more, they continually absorb the ways, means, rituals, fesitvals and belief structures of those they Conquer to make their ways seem more tolerable.

3 days without a computer

my passion for writing doesn't go away with a computer, here is 3 days worth of stuff.

Jan 17, 3pm
Wow, I got hit by a truck today. Between classes I went to the goodwill store and as I was walking in I heard this song on the radio, I gotta really warm and tingly feeling that started in my belly and radiated out to the tips of my fingers and my toes. I guess that's why Marvin Gaye was and is still so popular.

Anyhow it got me thinking about us and how we've been talking for a while now building our friendship really taking our time in getting to know each other. I want to get close to you to feel your touch upon my skin, to be led in your arms. I want to fall asleep with you and cuddle up close but there is this new feeling that you and I are developing by not going "there". I know that once we kiss the anticipation will go away and hopefully be replace with that comfortable feeling that couples get after being together for a while. So for now I will try to enjoy the nervousness, the wondering, the curiosity of daydreams and fantasies.

1/18/06 6:57
if I called you every time I thought of you we would never get off the phone. I am listening to one of my favorite CDS Celtic Circle. The sounds are so relaxing, so ancient, peaceful and calming. I find myself drifting off into fantasy land often daydreaming of the day we finally open up to each other, giving you access to my journal is a big step for me, because that (this) journal contains my innermost thoughts. It's a little deeper than the stuff I post on myspace. I edit much out for public viewing.

I am glad you like my story about my vacation last year. I love having that inspired feeling where words just pour from my pen in perfect harmony with my soul. I feel easy is that it only took you to actually read my writings to my interest in you.

I feel like you really want to know me, know my thoughts, see my soul for all it's beauty (and craziness) Your thoughtfully comments on my writings give me pride and encouragement to continue writing my perspectives on life, my insights on myself and the world at large as if I have something valuable to say. Not just because "I" write it but because it has meaning to someone other than myself.

But the fact that we don't discuss how we feel about each other is interesting. You don't comment on my looks or my choice of clothes as if they are insignificant. again, this peaks my interest because I get the feeling that getting laid is not your priority in the is relationship of no relationship and it makes me feel all the more valuable to myself and to you.

I get the feeling that if I had purple hair and green polka dots you would still be excited by me, interested in getting inside my head more so than my body, and since all my previous relationships began as sexual ones this is a new experience to me.

It does not by any means diminish the fact that you turn me on in more than physical ways but also physically. But I have no idea whether this is reciprocated and I wonder if it matters.


Can I, am I am capable of having an intimate relationship without sex? Does that mean I have to find new ways of showing my intimate feelings? my appreciation and desire to know you?

I have so many questions about me and us but if I ask them then it puts our relationship on a different path. a path I have traveled before. Maybe this is the path to the relationship I have always desired by letting someone into my world, my soul, without sharing my sexuality. Maybe it's sex that blocks people from really knowing me. Maybe he just tolerates the person that comes along with it. So in our case maybe we could learn to really know each other and that the sex would be a secondary or even frivolous perk. If you really get to know someone and fall in love without ever having sex would it matter then if the sex was earthshaking? Do I have more to offer than great sex? Would I enjoy it even more if I believed that I was loved without it?
................

more later

dreams and fantasies fill my mind

I am anxious now to feel his touch, to feel his skin against mine, to be held by his strong arms, to fall asleep listening to his heartbeat. but no - don't go so fast - slow down, enjoy the anticipation, learn the joy of patience, because once we kiss it will be over, there will never be another first time. But oh how I long for his breath upon my neck, his fingers running through my hair, his tender but passion filled kiss that drops me to my knees.

Will I "fit"? Will I be uncomfortable? will I know his thoughts? Does he know mine? Is this OK?

I didn't think i would miss you
I thought my shell was pretty strong
you have pierced a hole with your smile
and delighted me with your songs
of frogs and fairytales
of who we want to be
who we were and werent and
who we can still be

I dont want to want you
I am fighting it everyday
I dont want to miss you
being alone is ok
I dont want to miss you
come back to me and ........

REQUEST FOR COMMISSION WORK

In the past month I have received a few requests for my work, either galleries that want to carry my art or others that enjoy my writing. Today, I received a request that I am going to seriously consider. A major player in the Pagan world is putting together a "pagan magazine" with world wide distribution and they have asked me to be a columnist based upon my "confessions of a recovering Christian" writings posted on my blog site (not this one). We haven't discussed pay yet, I explained that I have a more than full schedule with school, two jobs, kids, family, my passion for art and the attempt to gain a social life.

But it's worth considering, my concern is that I am not sure if I will be able to write if given a deadline. I am sure MANY an author has the same issues. Another concern is - Will I have anything to say after a couple of articles? of additional concern is wether it will distract me from my goals.

Speaking of that.....I wonder if I should be more flexible about my goals. I have shut certain people down because their goals didn't line up with mine, I have also turned away work because of the conflict of where I am going and my current status. I thought life would be easier if I set myself some clear cut goals and if things didin't mesh with that then the answer would automatically be NO. Here I go second guessing myself again.

Are my goals realisitic? Can I achieve them without hurting those around me? Am I selling myself short of opportunities that may come along because I am so focused on this particular set of goals? Will I end up lonely and miserable once I have achieved them?

Oh what to do, what to do? It seems as if this year is coming together better than I had hoped for, considering where I was a few months ago. I have a lot to be proud of and yet I still have so far to go. I want my kids to look at someday soon and say "even though she is weird; I admire her. She inspires me to set and attain high hopes and aspirations. She has conquered major obstacles with grace and fortitude. She is more than the best mother in the world, She is my mentor"

Those goals aren't too lofty are they?

I am FREE FROM the US GOVERNMENT

OMG OMG OMG WOOO HOOO PARTY PARTY PARTY

I AM NO LONGER IN DEBT TO THE UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION.

I AM NOW ELIGIBLE TO RECEIVE ALL YES THAT MEANS ALL MONIES OWED TO ME OR THAT I QUALIFY FOR.

THIS MEANS MY $18,000 SCHOLARSHIP, $4,500 IN TAXES FROM LAST YEAR, $4,800 TAXES FROM '05


WHOLLY SHIT! I AM OUT OF DEBT OUT OF DEBT OUT OF DEBT. I CAN BUY A REAL CAR, A HOUSE, A BOAT, A CREDIT CARD, A LIFE!

I CAN GET A STUDENT LOAN TO PAY OFF THE REST OF JESSICA'S SCHOOL, MY SCHOOL AND SAMMIES SCHOOL TOO!

I HAVEN'T RECIEVED A TAX REFUND IN 16 YEARS AND NOW i CAN I CAN DO ANYTHING, THE TIES THAT BIND ARE GONE

things that make you go HMMMMMMMM?

1:30 PM - things that make you go HMMMMMMMM?

So for the first time in my memory I have been on multiple dates (with the same guy), without falling in love, giving all that I am or deciding it's def. not worth the time to do it again. Friendship first, what a concept! It's nice, comfortable, no pressure, no worries, no drama, no weird feelings and no desire to get married anytime soon. Am I finally maturing? I guess when you have a kid as young as I did it kinda handicaps the "dating scene". Do I pay for my own food? do I go buy a new outfit everytime we go out? I feel like a teenager again, so nervous and akward. It's been just about a month since we started becoming friends and I am not looking at wedding dresses, infact I am thinking about getting my own apartment again.

Tanner really blew it by ransacking my room while I was gone, I feel like I can't trust him anymore and I don't want to live where I don't feel comfortable and respected in the most basic sense. I understand he is just a kid but I don't like it anyway.

So it's kinda cool to have someone to talk to, hang out with, try new things with, without the pressure of a "relationship". I feel free, happy, intrigued, excited, and looking forward to the next time we meet again, but I am perfectly ok with it not being tomorrow. I enjoy my time alone, my painting time, my time with my sister, my jobs and soon enough school. I don't have to worry about hurting his feelings by having other things that are more important, because ultimately my goals are the MOST important thing to me. It's good that we share the idea that Family (our own kids) come first, jobs and schools second, me time third and if there is time left over than it's all good for date time. I just hope that he doesn't take that as a lack of interest, but I think we agree on it so I am not going to worry about it. What did he say today, oh "if its meant to happen it will" so there is no need to rush it.

I am still nursing my healing heart, I am still quite reserved and a little shy of having ANY feelings, let alone showing them if I did have them, so slow and easy is the course we are taking and I feel good about this. I don't want to be totally consumed by a guy ever again, I've let that happen three times in my life and it's turned out bad every time. I don't want to make decisions based upon how good it feels and I certainly don't want to just hand over the keys to my heart and soul again. I do, however, feel good when we are together but it's a much free-er feeling, not trying to make something happen or not, just being me, as silly and dimented as I am.

So here I sit going HMMMMMMMM, this is nice, this is easy, this is wierd. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

full moon names

Jan. 14, 4:48 a.m. EST: The Full Wolf Moon. Amid the zero cold and deep snows of midwinter, the wolf packs howled hungrily outside Indian villages. It was also known as the Old Moon or the “Moon after Yule.” In some tribes this was the Full Snow Moon; most applied that name to the next moon.

Feb. 12, 11:44 p.m. EST: The Full Snow Moon. Usually the heaviest snows fall in this month. Hunting becomes very difficult, and hence to some tribes this was the Full Hunger Moon.

March 14, 6:35 p.m. EST: The Full Worm Moon. In this month the ground softens and the earthworm casts reappear, inviting the return of the robins. The more northern tribes knew this as the Full Crow Moon, when the cawing of crows signals the end of winter, or the Full Crust Moon because the snow cover becomes crusted from thawing by day and freezing at night. The Full Sap Moon, marking the time of tapping maple trees, is another variation. In addition, a very minor penumbral lunar eclipse will take place on this night; the Moon will pass through the Earth’s outer and cause a slight tarnishing or smudginess to appear on its lower rim. The darkest phase of this eclipse comes at 6:48 p.m. EST. For about 40 minutes before and after this time, the subtle penumbral shading may be detected with binoculars and even the naked eye.

April 13, 12:40 p.m. EDT: The Full Pink Moon. The grass pink or wild ground phlox is one of the earliest widespread flowers of the spring. Other names were the Full Sprouting Grass Moon, the Egg Moon, and -- among coastal tribes -- the Full Fish Moon, when the shad came upstream to spawn. This is also the Paschal Full Moon; the first full Moon of the spring season. The first Sunday following the Paschal Moon is Easter Sunday, which indeed will be observed three days later on Sunday, April 16.

May 13, 2:51 a.m. EDT: The Full Flower Moon. Flowers are abundant everywhere. It was also known as the Full Corn Planting Moon or the Milk Moon.

June 11, 2:03 p.m. EDT: The Full Strawberry Moon. Known to every Algonquin tribe. Europeans called it the Rose Moon.

July 10, 11:02 p.m. EDT: The Full Buck Moon, when the new antlers of buck deer push out from their foreheads in coatings of velvety fur. It was also often called the Full Thunder Moon, thunderstorms being now most frequent. Sometimes also called the Full Hay Moon.

Aug. 9, 6:54 a.m. EDT: The Full Sturgeon Moon, when this large fish of the Great Lakes and other major bodies of water like Lake Champlain is most readily caught. A few tribes knew it as the Full Red Moon because the moon rises looking reddish through sultry haze, or the Green Corn Moon or Grain Moon.

Sept. 7, 2:42 p.m. EDT: The Full Corn Moon. Corn – an Indian staple -- is now ready for gathering. The Moon will also be at perigee later this day, at 11:00 p.m., at a distance of 221,938 miles/357,175 km. from Earth. As such, this will be the biggest and brightest Full Moon of 2006. Very high tides can be expected from the coincidence of perigee with full Moon. In addition, a rather small (19%) partial lunar eclipse will be visible from Africa, Asia, Australia, and Eastern Europe. Maximum eclipse occurs at 18:51 GMT.

Oct. 6, 11:13 p.m. EDT: The Full Harvest Moon. Always the full Moon occurring nearest to the Autumnal Equinox. In one out of three years, it comes in October and 2006 is one of those years.

Nov. 5, 7:58 a.m. EST: The Full Beaver Moon. Time to set beaver traps before the swamps freeze to ensure a supply of warm winter furs. Another interpretation suggests that the name Beaver Full Moon comes from the fact that the beavers are now active in their preparation for winter. Also called the Frosty Moon.

Dec. 4, 7:25 p.m. EST: The Full Cold Moon; among some tribes, the Full Long Nights Moon. In this month the winter cold fastens its grip, and the nights are at their longest and darkest. Also sometimes called the “Moon before Yule” (Yule is Christmas, and this time the Moon is only just before it). The term Long Night Moon is a doubly appropriate name because the midwinter night is indeed long and the Moon is above the horizon a long time. The midwinter full Moon takes a high trajectory across the sky because it is opposite to the low Sun.

Lunar cycles

Lastly, here are some interesting calendrical facts that the famed Belgian astronomical calculator Jean Meeus has compiled concerning the phases of the Moon.

All are cyclical, the most noteworthy being the so-called Metonic Cycle that was independently discovered by the Greek astronomer Meton (born about 460 B.C.). This is a 19 year cycle, after which time the phases of the Moon are repeated on the same days of the year, or approximately so.

For instance, there is a Full Moon on July 10, 2006. Nineteen years hence, in 2025 there’ll be another Full Moon on July 10. Another interesting cycle: after 2 years, the preceding lunar phase occurs on, or very nearly the same calendar date. Thus, in 2008, the First Quarter Moon will occur on July 10. After 8 years, the same lunar phases repeat, but occurring one or two days later in the year. The Greeks called this 8-year cycle the octaeteris. Indeed, in 2014, a Full Moon occurs on July 12.

Finally, in our Gregorian Calendar, 372 years provides an excellent long-period cycle for the recurrence of a particular phase on a given date. Thus, we know with absolute certainty that the same Full Moon that shines down on us on July 10 of 2006 will also be shining on July 10 in the year 2378.

full moon Friday the 13th

I feel really weird right now. I just got home from a second date or a first real dinner date. I honestly cant remember ever "dating" before. I have gone out with guys before and either never saw them again by choice or married them or lived with them within weeks. So a second "date" is unusual but at the same time it feels really good. We had a great dinner and conversation. I of course chose somewhere I would feel comfortable so we went to The Red Caboose; the place I work at 2-3 days a week. So I was surrounded by people that knew me and were happy that I was coming out just for fun.

It's odd, I really enjoy taking things much much slower. He is a great guy, has a ton of attributes that are important to me, the only disagreement we have so far is country music but hey I am willing to expand my musical experience even further. I think he is the first person I have ever ever met that hasn't said "oh you have such beautiful eyes". I find that intriguing. He is open but a little mysterious and I am reserved as well.

But of course the superstitions of the day would have to come to fruition some how and when I got home I found my nephew had had a party in my room. ARRRGGGHHH My bedroom has been my sanctuary for many many years and my kids knew better than to go in my room when I am not home. I had allowed him to go on the computer but also requested that he never bring anyone in there while I was gone. My paint brushes were thrown on the floor, the tips to my calligraphy pen are all over the whole room many lost I am sure. a few of my paintings were crumpled during the pillow fight and I am afraid to look any further. This makes me want to move out. I don't want to be pissed off at my nephew but I don't ever want the little fucker in my room ever again. I need my own place, I can't live here and truly become my OWN being; I also don't want to move in with a man, any man. I would like my own apartment and I think I am going to work on that more so than the car. I am pissed and my next date with that guy is in exactly 12 hours. How many new pair of underwear am I gonna have to buy? Because as you all know, You have to have on a brand new, never before seen pair of the cutest underwear, "just in case he sweeps me off my feet and throws me in his bed and says he can't live another second without seeing my tattoo" :)

my cutter!

I found a boat! can't wait to research it and see if it's good! 44' CSY Cutter, 1977: Fiberglass. Recently refurbished w. new 4.5KW generator, re-built Perkins with >10 hours, Benmar autopilot; VHF; depth-sounder/log; refridgerator. Ideal liveaboard/charter/world cruiser. Clean, well cared for, good maintenance. Many extras. $92,500/obo

to that guy

You impress me tremendously, you read my writings, you take time out of your busy life to let me know you are thinking of me. I feel comfortable with you, as if I don't need a mask, that you can see ME as I truly am. You are kind, sensitive and a devoted father. You make me laugh and smile and think. This was how I felt last night before I got to see you in person. And then......... Then I saw you and well ...I am looking forward to the next time.

He impresses me
but does not intimidate

i want to feel his skin
did my eyes capture his soul

Kindness, devotion, loyalty

My mysterious man
What is going through your mind?

I don't want to wait for saturday

You impress me tremendously, you read my writings, you take time out of your busy life to let me know you are thinking of me. I feel comfortable with you, as if I don't need a mask, that you can see ME as I truly am. You are kind, sensitive and a devoted father. You make me laugh and smile and think. This was how I felt last night before I got to see you in person. And then......... Then I saw you and well ...I am looking forward to the next time.

Don't know if I can wait five days to see you again. Thoughts and fantasies fill my head. Leaving was akward, I didn't want too, I wanted you grab me, to kiss me, to bring me back inside, to hold me. I wanted to reach out and kiss you several times but I don't want to scare you away. I want to hold you, and be held.
there are so many things I want to know, did it feel as "right" to you. Your smile is amazing, Did I capture your eyes like you captured mine? I couldn't read you. which is so rare for me. Your hugs felt warm and comfortable, I wonder if we would lay down together if I would just fit with your body as you have seem to just fit so comfortably with my soul.

I told you things were looking up

Wednesday, December 28, 2005


4:43 PM - I told you things are looking up!

So remember last week when I said I could see the light coming, well the sun shined on me today - literrally for the first time in MANY MANY days, I hate not seeing the sun, any how, i digress,

I signed the papers today for....... drum roll please......AN ART STUDIO 6 blocks from the marina, it 528 square feet with 16 foot tall ceilings, I cant shower or cook food there but it's all mine, including a table saw, router, jigsaw and some other shop tools, and he is building out a space for my kiln (that I hope to get from santa on the next paycheck) So as long as I cook and shower at my sisters it's all good. I have 24 hour access, I can SMOKE! woo hoo, and I can have my dogs there - it's so freaking awesome.
I am so happy, i am so happy, happy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happyhappy happy happy.

I wasn't gonna go out cuz this huge pimple between my eyes is enormous and i am embarrased but i decided that if the sun could show it's warm and glowing face then I could too. I am so glad I did but now I am back in my room hiding. (WAITING FOR THE PHONE TO RING!) hint hint hint

the sun shined again today

I took a break outside today and sat there and let the sun warm my face. It felt so good to be embraced by the suns firey glow. Spring time where are you? I know winter has just begun but I CANT wait for the sun to rule the days again. At least it's staying out a little longer everyday now.

I got a chance to talk with someone I was hoping would call for a few weeks now. It was nice, when I heard the phone ring I Flew from the living room into my room. A nice respite from my self inflicted solitary confinement. I am looking forward to the next time. :)

I decided a few days ago that I am in need of adrenaline, it's been a few months since my last jump, a few months too long. I am calling bryon and davis tomorrow to see when AFF begins again. I want to fly on my own now, I am ready to control my own destiny.

I wanna fall 14,000 feet towards the ground at terminal velocity

8:57 PM - Wanna Join me???



Byron dropzone has $20 ground school in March (that's $100 savings), I am So on that list, already sent my email but I need a tandem in the mean time,
Visit Bayarea Skydive! Just incase anyone wants to join me :)

To catch a frog

8:40 PM - What an AMAZING Day!

I haven't felt this good in 5 months- at least- I feel good and strong again! I got a phone call today from someone that appreciated my art, a compliment from my boss, a present from my brother in law :'), and I heard frogs ribbitting while filling up my gas tank. I am not sure but that might have been the most wonderful part, I just sat there listening to the frogs - wondering where they were and would I get arrested for going to look for them. I love frogs, I love the sounds they make, I love their cute little faces, I hate it when they are squished on the driveway.

Frogs remind me of a simpler time in life when chasing frogs was something to do that filled 1/2 your day. Woudln't it be nice to be so child like that you just take off on an adventure, unplanned, unaware of the rest of the world, your only focus is the sound of the frog and how you can find him? Oh I remember many times taking off with my cousin who was a couple years younger than I, and sometimes we would end up on the complete other end of town without even realizing it and then we would get in trouble for being gone so long and so far away. Of course, I always blamed it on him, saying I had to run to keep up with him and he kept going further and further and it was me who dragged him home. The truth was neither of us cared about anything else than being the first to catch a frog.

Well I feel like that today, Like I was the only one to catch the frog!

do you exist?

My own writings tell me that if you want somethng in life you have to focus intently on it. To Manifest; I must write it out. Here I will beging the manifestation of a partner for me. In great detail I can now go, knowing what I have truly enjoyed in my relationship with jojo and what I have found since, that displeases me.

I seek a partner that enjoys the simplest of life; the sound of frogs, and crickets, the ocean crashing against the shore, a babling broor or a soft waterfall. A partner that adores my smile, one that smiles upon the sight of me, whom I lift upon the clouds with my love and passion. I want to bring happiness to someonne. This someonewill find the good in life and other people, this one will not find pleasure in the degredation of others but will seek out what is good and right with people of the world, regardless of class, skin color, race, or religion, but will judge upon the choices and actions of people.

This one will accept, acknowledge and encourage self actualization and quest for knowledge of other religions and my developing spirtual beliefts. Possible another former christian who would undestand and empathize with my loss of faith in one god.

This one will have a passion for sailingand will share my desire to sail around the world. A passion for learning is also desired as well as acceptance and encouragement of my educational goals. This one will be an artist of some sort and will share their knowledge and passion with me and others.

my lover will excite me and my passions, and we will fee equally comfortable in eachothers presence without clothing, masks, inhibitions and insecurities. This love will enjoy me in my nakedness yet not desire to share it with anyone else. Manogomy is desired. This love will befriend my children and adore them as well as having had children of their own, one who loves their children as I do mine and wh is able to be free of the daily responsibilities of them within a few years. This man will be taller than me, and will be about the same size, I would love to share levi's. A lover of the sun and in good health to handle the sailing, skydiving, hiking, swimming. Hair should be long to run my fingers through and play with at night. This man will be born in the 60's who has an understanding of my upbringing as a child of a flower child and has compassion for my relationships with my faimly, he should have family of his own so that he will truly understand the ups and downs of family relationships.

He will let me inside his head and share his thoughts with me. He wont' keep secrets yet will respect privacy and space, he will be funny and make me laugh and he will enjoy my silly side. He will like to eat my cooking and will at times cook for me. We will be equals in the household and will teach me when I don't know how to do something and will accept my teaching as well when I have more experience or knowledge. he wont compete with me but he will push me to be the very best I can and will expect the same from me. His passion for the ocean will equal or outweigh mine never wanting to be long from her. He will either have a boat already or will share the same focus of getting or building one to sail from port to port around all the shores of the world. If he comes along after I have gotten my boat he will feel at home on her and lover her as I do. He will like or tolerate my love for VW busses and my desire to shed material possesions. he will love us more than anything he owns and will be committed to the relationship equally as I. He will enjoy my love of fairies and mermaids and will have similar passions of his own. He will encourage me to write and will be content eith the fact that some of it is not meant to be read but will be interested in reading what I offer. he wont be a jealous man, he will know and accept my love but he will value me and my love and not do harm to me and our relationship. He will be slow to anger and easy to please. He will have character and respect from and towards those we meet. He will share his dreams, passions and life with me, he will never feel superior or inferior to me. He will cherish me and my love. He will be my friend above all things and will love me with a passion that fulfills me but does not suffocate me or hinder me. I will not be a burden to him but a partner. Money will not be an issue between us as either there will be plenty to share or our struggle will be equal in giving all that we have. He will not be a lazy man but will appreciate hard work as well as a nap in the afternoon.

he will enjoy all types of musice and will tolerate my tastes as varied as they are. He will enjoy talking good of me and will not find pleasure in degrading me or making fun of me, he will accept my head strong ways and will not be turned off by my intensities. I will not scare him or push him away with my love and passion but he too will be excited by our relationship and will allow it to take it's natural course however fast or slow that may be. My impulsiveness will delight him and my ever changing interests will keep him entertained. Did I mention his LONG HAIR and passion for art and music and learning. His face will be weathered from the sun and his skin will be pleasing to the touch, his eyes will tell stories of past lives and loves but will brighten when they gaze into mine. I will see my future in his eyes and we will sail the world together very soon.

he will like to play scrabble and rummy. This one will be content in silence and please with a quiet smile a simple touch and mad and passionate lovemaking. affection will be given and recieved in perfect balance.